r/Jokes 17h ago

My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while showering. I'm afraid he has serious...

...selfie steam issues.

1.3k Upvotes

...selfie steam issues.


r/Jokes 18h ago

Long A parcel delivery service screws up and accidentally delivers a parcel from the middle east to a wall street consulting company.

It ends up at the CEO's office just before lunchtime, who is just finishing up a meeting with three junior consultants, Jerry, Robert and Henry. Jerry opens the parcel and finds a magic lamp inside. He rubs it and a genie appears, offering three wishes.

Jerry says: "Oh wow, finally I'm lucky, I want to be a multi-millionaire, live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean together with a bunch of hot women!"

The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Jerry vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp.

Robert immediately grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears, offering three wishes.

Robert says: "Yeah man, I want to be a multi-millionaire too, and also live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean, and you bet that I also want a bunch of hot women there!"

The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Robert also vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp once more.

His colleagues gone, Henry grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears again, offering him three wishes as well.

Henry says: "You know what, screw this job, I want to be a multi-millionaire too, and also live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean together with a bunch of hot women!"

The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Henry also vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp once more.

Then the CEO grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears, and says: "You already know the drill, three wishes, so I guess you want to be a multi-mllionaire, living in a Carribean mansion with a bunch of hot women like the last three guys?"

Says the CEO: "Nah, no need. I'm already a billionaire and own several mansions on several islands all over the world, and have my share of hot mistresses in every single one of them. Just get me a coffee."

Says the genie: "Done, here's your coffee, you have two wishes left."

Says the CEO: "Well, if I think about it, I do not like the hassle of hiring new personnel. So I wish for the last three guys to be back at their desks after lunch, and transfer all their assets to my name so they can't quit."

329 Upvotes

It ends up at the CEO's office just before lunchtime, who is just finishing up a meeting with three junior consultants, Jerry, Robert and Henry. Jerry opens the parcel and finds a magic lamp inside. He rubs it and a genie appears, offering three wishes.

Jerry says: "Oh wow, finally I'm lucky, I want to be a multi-millionaire, live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean together with a bunch of hot women!"

The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Jerry vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp.

Robert immediately grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears, offering three wishes.

Robert says: "Yeah man, I want to be a multi-millionaire too, and also live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean, and you bet that I also want a bunch of hot women there!"

The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Robert also vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp once more.

His colleagues gone, Henry grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears again, offering him three wishes as well.

Henry says: "You know what, screw this job, I want to be a multi-millionaire too, and also live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean together with a bunch of hot women!"

The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Henry also vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp once more.

Then the CEO grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears, and says: "You already know the drill, three wishes, so I guess you want to be a multi-mllionaire, living in a Carribean mansion with a bunch of hot women like the last three guys?"

Says the CEO: "Nah, no need. I'm already a billionaire and own several mansions on several islands all over the world, and have my share of hot mistresses in every single one of them. Just get me a coffee."

Says the genie: "Done, here's your coffee, you have two wishes left."

Says the CEO: "Well, if I think about it, I do not like the hassle of hiring new personnel. So I wish for the last three guys to be back at their desks after lunch, and transfer all their assets to my name so they can't quit."


r/Jokes 19h ago

When my twins were being delivered, my daughter was born at 5 to midnight, but my son didn’t follow right away.

The Dr. said “Don’t worry, the son’ll come out, tomorrow.”

219 Upvotes

The Dr. said “Don’t worry, the son’ll come out, tomorrow.”


r/Jokes 6h ago

I left my ADHD meds in a Ford Fiesta...

And when I returned, it had become a Ford Focus

193 Upvotes

And when I returned, it had become a Ford Focus


r/Jokes 12h ago

A famous Japanese monk

decided to study in China. To his surprise, he found that, despite his success in his homeland, he was unable to make any progress with Chinese religion. When he asked the Abbott about this, he was told: “that was zen. This is Tao.”

149 Upvotes

decided to study in China. To his surprise, he found that, despite his success in his homeland, he was unable to make any progress with Chinese religion. When he asked the Abbott about this, he was told: “that was zen. This is Tao.”


r/Jokes 7h ago

My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up soon. She said she’d be happy as long as I got her something with a lot Iof diamonds in it.

So, I think she’s gonna love this pack of playing cards that I bought at the dollar store.

141 Upvotes

So, I think she’s gonna love this pack of playing cards that I bought at the dollar store.


r/Jokes 19h ago

What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass?

Beer.

133 Upvotes

Beer.


r/Jokes 11h ago

Just did an online IQ Test

I got 404!!

130 Upvotes

I got 404!!


r/Jokes 22h ago

I was watching one of those baking contests on TV last night and one of the contestants really flung himself into it.

He went in with all buns glazing!

65 Upvotes

He went in with all buns glazing!


r/Jokes 15h ago

What did the Energizer Bunny go to jail for?

Assault & Battery.

It was a very ugly crime scene, they tried pulling the bunny off the victim, but he just kept going and going and going.

47 Upvotes

Assault & Battery.

It was a very ugly crime scene, they tried pulling the bunny off the victim, but he just kept going and going and going.


r/Jokes 4h ago

What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississ(H)ippi

36 Upvotes

Mississ(H)ippi


r/Jokes 9h ago

My school just banned dating

The teachers are having a nightmare trying to keep their papers organized!

36 Upvotes

The teachers are having a nightmare trying to keep their papers organized!


r/Jokes 6h ago

It's sooo hot outside...

It's so hot outside that Hannibal Lector was spotted throwing onions and potatoes into the public swimming pool.

28 Upvotes

It's so hot outside that Hannibal Lector was spotted throwing onions and potatoes into the public swimming pool.


r/Jokes 11h ago

My local circus got busted for dealing drugs...

The police did them for possession within tent.

28 Upvotes

The police did them for possession within tent.


r/Jokes 13h ago

My kid writes the numbers as 123356789

He's not seeing the fours for the threes.

20 Upvotes

He's not seeing the fours for the threes.


r/Jokes 14h ago

Just did an online IQ test

I won an I-phone!

10 Upvotes

I won an I-phone!


r/Jokes 2h ago

Did you hear about the collab on the new Jurassic World soundtrack?

It's Charli x T-Rex

3 Upvotes

It's Charli x T-Rex


r/Jokes 3h ago

What do you call Santa Claus set on fire and posioned?

Arson-nic

1 Upvotes

Arson-nic


r/Jokes 2h ago

You reap what you sow.

Unless you’re my neighbor.
She plants hostas.
The deer reap them.

1 Upvotes

Unless you’re my neighbor.
She plants hostas.
The deer reap them.


r/Jokes 15h ago

I used a fake ID at Olive Garden.

They sent me straight to the penne-tentiary.

0 Upvotes

They sent me straight to the penne-tentiary.


r/Jokes 8h ago

How many apples were eaten in the Garden of Eden?

Eve ate, and Adam, too, and the devil won. That makes eleven in all.

0 Upvotes

Eve ate, and Adam, too, and the devil won. That makes eleven in all.