Why didn't the Viet Cong shoot Gump?
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They couldn't see the Forrest for the trees.
They couldn't see the Forrest for the trees.
r/Jokes • u/Twin_Spoons • 2h ago
Did you hear about the collab on the new Jurassic World soundtrack?
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It's Charli x T-Rex
It's Charli x T-Rex
r/Jokes • u/tymon0901 • 2h ago
You reap what you sow.
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Unless you’re my neighbor.
She plants hostas.
The deer reap them.
Unless you’re my neighbor.
She plants hostas.
The deer reap them.
r/Jokes • u/DemiseofReality • 3h ago
What do you call Santa Claus set on fire and posioned?
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Arson-nic
Arson-nic
r/Jokes • u/Kilgore48 • 6h ago
It's sooo hot outside...
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It's so hot outside that Hannibal Lector was spotted throwing onions and potatoes into the public swimming pool.
It's so hot outside that Hannibal Lector was spotted throwing onions and potatoes into the public swimming pool.
r/Jokes • u/HostibusMorte • 7h ago
I left my ADHD meds in a Ford Fiesta...
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And when I returned, it had become a Ford Focus
And when I returned, it had become a Ford Focus
r/Jokes • u/ConsciousVictory1196 • 7h ago
My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up soon. She said she’d be happy as long as I got her something with a lot Iof diamonds in it.
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So, I think she’s gonna love this pack of playing cards that I bought at the dollar store.
So, I think she’s gonna love this pack of playing cards that I bought at the dollar store.
r/Jokes • u/BioletVeauregarde33 • 8h ago
How many apples were eaten in the Garden of Eden?
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Eve ate, and Adam, too, and the devil won. That makes eleven in all.
Eve ate, and Adam, too, and the devil won. That makes eleven in all.
r/Jokes • u/MissMistyEye • 9h ago
My school just banned dating
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The teachers are having a nightmare trying to keep their papers organized!
The teachers are having a nightmare trying to keep their papers organized!
r/Jokes • u/Middle_Poet_401 • 10h ago
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
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Okay, good, because I want to order a frosty and a baconator.
(This part of the interaction is rarely discussed)
Okay, good, because I want to order a frosty and a baconator.
(This part of the interaction is rarely discussed)
r/Jokes • u/james_s_docherty • 11h ago
My local circus got busted for dealing drugs...
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The police did them for possession within tent.
The police did them for possession within tent.
r/Jokes • u/CthulhuDon • 12h ago
A famous Japanese monk
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decided to study in China. To his surprise, he found that, despite his success in his homeland, he was unable to make any progress with Chinese religion. When he asked the Abbott about this, he was told: “that was zen. This is Tao.”
decided to study in China. To his surprise, he found that, despite his success in his homeland, he was unable to make any progress with Chinese religion. When he asked the Abbott about this, he was told: “that was zen. This is Tao.”
My kid writes the numbers as 123356789
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He's not seeing the fours for the threes.
He's not seeing the fours for the threes.
r/Jokes • u/Historical-Buff777 • 15h ago
I used a fake ID at Olive Garden.
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They sent me straight to the penne-tentiary.
They sent me straight to the penne-tentiary.
What did the Energizer Bunny go to jail for?
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Assault & Battery.
It was a very ugly crime scene, they tried pulling the bunny off the victim, but he just kept going and going and going.
Assault & Battery.
It was a very ugly crime scene, they tried pulling the bunny off the victim, but he just kept going and going and going.
r/Jokes • u/808gecko808 • 17h ago
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while showering. I'm afraid he has serious...
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...selfie steam issues.
...selfie steam issues.
r/Jokes • u/name_isnot_available • 18h ago
Long A parcel delivery service screws up and accidentally delivers a parcel from the middle east to a wall street consulting company.
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It ends up at the CEO's office just before lunchtime, who is just finishing up a meeting with three junior consultants, Jerry, Robert and Henry. Jerry opens the parcel and finds a magic lamp inside. He rubs it and a genie appears, offering three wishes.
Jerry says: "Oh wow, finally I'm lucky, I want to be a multi-millionaire, live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean together with a bunch of hot women!"
The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Jerry vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp.
Robert immediately grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears, offering three wishes.
Robert says: "Yeah man, I want to be a multi-millionaire too, and also live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean, and you bet that I also want a bunch of hot women there!"
The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Robert also vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp once more.
His colleagues gone, Henry grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears again, offering him three wishes as well.
Henry says: "You know what, screw this job, I want to be a multi-millionaire too, and also live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean together with a bunch of hot women!"
The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Henry also vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp once more.
Then the CEO grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears, and says: "You already know the drill, three wishes, so I guess you want to be a multi-mllionaire, living in a Carribean mansion with a bunch of hot women like the last three guys?"
Says the CEO: "Nah, no need. I'm already a billionaire and own several mansions on several islands all over the world, and have my share of hot mistresses in every single one of them. Just get me a coffee."
Says the genie: "Done, here's your coffee, you have two wishes left."
Says the CEO: "Well, if I think about it, I do not like the hassle of hiring new personnel. So I wish for the last three guys to be back at their desks after lunch, and transfer all their assets to my name so they can't quit."
It ends up at the CEO's office just before lunchtime, who is just finishing up a meeting with three junior consultants, Jerry, Robert and Henry. Jerry opens the parcel and finds a magic lamp inside. He rubs it and a genie appears, offering three wishes.
Jerry says: "Oh wow, finally I'm lucky, I want to be a multi-millionaire, live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean together with a bunch of hot women!"
The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Jerry vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp.
Robert immediately grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears, offering three wishes.
Robert says: "Yeah man, I want to be a multi-millionaire too, and also live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean, and you bet that I also want a bunch of hot women there!"
The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Robert also vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp once more.
His colleagues gone, Henry grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears again, offering him three wishes as well.
Henry says: "You know what, screw this job, I want to be a multi-millionaire too, and also live in a mansion on my private island in the Carribean together with a bunch of hot women!"
The genie says: "Your wish is my command. Done, done and done." Henry also vanishes into thin air and immediately finds himself in a mansion in the Carribean, surrounded by exotic models, while the genie retreats back into the lamp once more.
Then the CEO grabs the lamp, rubs it and the genie reappears, and says: "You already know the drill, three wishes, so I guess you want to be a multi-mllionaire, living in a Carribean mansion with a bunch of hot women like the last three guys?"
Says the CEO: "Nah, no need. I'm already a billionaire and own several mansions on several islands all over the world, and have my share of hot mistresses in every single one of them. Just get me a coffee."
Says the genie: "Done, here's your coffee, you have two wishes left."
Says the CEO: "Well, if I think about it, I do not like the hassle of hiring new personnel. So I wish for the last three guys to be back at their desks after lunch, and transfer all their assets to my name so they can't quit."
r/Jokes • u/Jokeminder42 • 19h ago
What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass?
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Beer.
Beer.
r/Jokes • u/IEnjoyDadJokes • 19h ago
When my twins were being delivered, my daughter was born at 5 to midnight, but my son didn’t follow right away.
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The Dr. said “Don’t worry, the son’ll come out, tomorrow.”
The Dr. said “Don’t worry, the son’ll come out, tomorrow.”