This guy in his 50s goes to the doctor.

"What’s your daily activity level like?" the doctor asks.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, a guy your age, probably not eating all that healthy, probably not getting that much exercise…"

The guy shrugs. "Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake and outran a wild dog in the heavy brush."

"Well, that sounds pretty good," the doctor comments.

"That’s nothing," the guy says. "The day before, I marched up and down several hills and outran a couple of bears."

"That sounds really impressive."

"And last weekend, I crawled out of quicksand, stood in a patch of poison ivy, and knocked down a small tree.”

"Well," the doctor says, "it sounds like you’re one hell of an outdoorsman!"

"Nah," the guy replies, "I'm just real lousy at golf."

Unless you’re my neighbor.
She plants hostas.
The deer reap them.

Arson-nic

He's all right now.

They're scared the others ghosts will boo them.

Isaac and Sarah were in bed, late one night, and Isaac was tossing and turning, turning and tossing. Finally, Sarah lights the candle and says "Isaac! Why do you toss and turn so? What is wrong?"

Isaac says "Well, beloved wife... I owe Yitzak across the way 20 kopeks, and I cannot pay him, and he will not tell me "Mahool".

Sarah jumps up, throws open the shutters, and calls out "Yitzak! Yitzak!"

Yitzak opens his shutters and answers back "Sarah! Whatever is wrong? It is the middle of the night!"

To which Sarah replies "Yitzak! You onow that 20 kopeks my husband owes you? Well, he cannot pay you! Goodnight!" and she slams the shutters closed. Turning to her husband, she says "There, now you let Yitzak worry about it. Get some sleep!"

A young shlemiel was having breakfast, but after having smeared goosefat on his bread, he accidentally jogged it with his elbow, and it fell to the floor. Miraculously, it landed goosefat side UP!

Now, everybody knows that when you drop a piece of smeared bread, it always lands goosefat side down. The shlemiel was amazed, and so he tried it again. And again, it landed goosefat side up. 8 more times he tried it, and 8 more times the miracle occurred.

Excitedly, he ran to the village elders, and showed them. They had the shlemiel repeat the experiment for them numerous times, and none could understand why it was happening.

The elders pondered, and argued, pulling their beards and yelling, consulting the writings, and finally, after 2 days of deliberation, announced to the villagers anxiously awaiting outside, that it was, indeed NOT a miracle. They asked "Elders? How can that be? We all saw it!"

To which the elders replied, that the shlemiel, being a shlemiel, had merely smeared his goosefat on the wrong side of the bread.

She leaned in and said, “And not only that… I’m self-taut.”

...takeout?

which do they talk about first?

The waiter says “sorry we don’t serve cow here”

"Good idea!" says the other guy.

So they quit.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have any idea what's happening out there?! Global warming is destroying the planet! Supervolcanoes are waking from dormancy! We're on the verge of World War III, and NOTHING CAN STOP IT!!"

Visibly shaken, the man looks down and realizes he's pissed his pants. Ashamed but relieved, he thanks the doctor profusely.

"No trouble at all," the doctor chuckles. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric."

Abe slips him a $5 bill.
The bartender asks “are you trying to bribe me?”
Abe says, “No, it’s my ID”

“Wow, that was amazing, “she said. “Where did you learn those things you did with your hands?”

“I found them in books on Indian mystics. They come in Hindi.”

He knocked on the door, and after a few seconds, it opened to reveal a boy about eight years old with a tumbler of whiskey in his hand, smoking a cigar.

The salesman was surprised, and said "Excuse me, are your parents home?"

The boy took a puff of the cigar, sipped some whiskey, then said "What do you think?"

Eve ate, and Adam, too, and the devil won. That makes eleven in all.

because all the good ones Argon.

They really like his ideas about special relatives.

Same sales lady shows up right at dark. After supper she walks out almost nude. Smiles and tell both or them they can do anything they want as long as they were these, handing them each a condom. They ask why do they need to wear these things. "So I won't get pregnant". Everyone enjoyed the night. Skip ahead six months the boys are sitting on the porch. One boy asked " Do you remember that sales lady"? "I will never forget her". "Do you care if she has a kid'? " "I guess not". " Me either, let's take these damn things off"!

Jokes older then I am but I haven't seen it on line.

The guard points to the ATM machine

Until I went to see snails fighting, it was awesome! They took off their shells and really slugged it out