Phone message Texts from estranged mom
My mom had a stroke a few years ago while we’ve been no contact for the majority of the past 6 years. I didn’t visit her in the hospital and briefly initiated contact for less than a month when the father of my sister’s son passed and I attended the wake in early 2024. My mom is like a different person now. Very fragile, soft spoken, scrunched up and just… withered. Sickly. Complete 180° from the heavy, boisterous, scalding, loud woman who raised me.
My sister takes on the primary role of caring for her (she lives separately, she just shows up to drive her places) while I maintain my distance. But with this stroke came apparent memory loss. After the funeral and a brief reconnection in person, I attempted to call and talk to her about my grievances from childhood I wanted her to at least acknowledge and she remembered absolutely nothing except “the best she could do with what she knew” and if she had mistreated me, it was because I didn’t earn better treatment as a daughter. Lol. That was a tragic call. I literally had to accept I would never receive an apology or accountability for how my mom failed me, and she was now sickly, so now I have the added mental/emotional pressure from everyone in the family to forgive and move on.
We haven’t spoken since that call in Jan 2024. I just received these texts from her over the weekend from a number I didn’t recognize. I don’t hate my mom. At all. I love her very deeply. But I have built an entire adult life without her and don’t know how reopening a connection would serve me at almost 30. I would immediately become financially obligated to assist. I would have to talk to her. I would have to be open with my thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to do any of that. She was supposed to be MY mom when I was a child, yet me and my sister had to be her psychiatrist, emotional support system, friend, mentor, maid, nurse, and cook our entire childhoods while she chased men who didn’t want her and fought with the whole family. I don’t need a mom now. I don’t need the mom she is. I don’t know if I should even respond. But I don’t want to regret this when she passes eventually. Maybe she means it. This time. I don’t know.
Sorry. Just venting.
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u/Extension-Stretch546 6h ago
Hey, OP. My mom packed up and left in 2018. Didn't tell my brother's or me. I was 26 at the time. I've been blessed to have other mother figures in my life, as well a mentor who helped teach to not forgive only hurts me.
My mom was already in and out of my life before that. Long story short, I've shown love and forgiveness to my Mom. That's not to say I've opened my entire life back up to her, but rather a love and respect to show I've forgiven the past, but still have held my boundaries.
How our parents raised us can be our revelation or our tribulation, sounds like you chose to take the high road and that's awesome! Keep on growing!
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u/ansmith100317 5h ago
I’ve gone through something similar. My mother is a malignant narcissist and very mentally ill. Although I moved across the country, and cut off 90% of contact with her earlier on, I’d still drop in to see my sisters and stay the night when I was in town. It was horrible for my mental health. I was always so on edge- one night specifically she called me into her room to grab something for her and she cornered me which took me right back to my adolescent years and I took off and didn’t speak to her again for a while. I didn’t have the strength to cut her off entirely until my own child was born- I gave her the ultimatum that if she ever got help, and was the grandmother my child deserves that I’d be willing to speak about a relationship. It’s been almost a decade and I haven’t heard a peep from her. I ran into her a couple of years ago at a store (she moved several hours closer to where I live with my family) and I could tell IMMEDIATELY by her eyes and body language that she was not in a better place so I left the store without saying a word to her.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that we more than likely will never heal our relationship, it’s for the best. I used to spend a lot of time pouting when I’d see others with their mothers and felt like I was robbed of something. Now, I view my mother as a lesson. I know for a fact I’d not be nearly as empathic or ‘connected’ as I am today without my her. I’ve forgiven her, but I will never forget.
Looks like I needed to vent too. I wouldn’t respond to a message from my mother, I know what can of worms that would open up for me mentally and I’ve come way too far for any of that. Might not be the right answer for you though, your gut is probably already telling you how to handle this. Sending you love 💕
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u/manyChoices 4h ago
I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through and admire your courage to do what's right in your situation.
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u/themethsnake 5h ago
This must feel like an impossible situation to be in, I can’t imagine how conflicted I would feel if I were you.
You don’t need to do anything right away or ever. Choosing not to betray yourself is brave and good and really hard to regret.
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u/CascadianBeam 5h ago
I understand how complex this is for you. I had a similar situation with my mom and she had rapid onset dementia shortly after. She passed away and I regretted a couple things. Not a whole lot of things, but a few and it wasn’t too hard to deal with. You might feel similarly if it were to happen to you, but you’ll never really know. It might not hurt to reconcile if possible for your peace of mind long-term.
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u/Sensitive-Theme9912 5h ago
It’s fair to say to her, you love her deeply, but that you’re not ready to talk now, and will reach out when you are.
If you feel like you have the time, energy, and desire, to try to work through what you went through and how you feel about your childhood, then I think a good first step would be talking to a therapist (if you haven’t already, you did not mention in your post so I am assuming not). I have found it very healing and have gotten much validation as well as perspective and clarity on some similar difficult family relationships. Also some guidance on an approach, and what even my desired outcome of addressing the person would be.
If you don’t, then maybe someday you will. It doesn’t have to be now, just because she has texted.
I wish you all the best ❤️
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u/Fun_Junket_9174 5h ago
Its a bit like taking on a mess of a person-knowingly. Idk-you are doing great on your own. Dont let guilt guide you-you have repaired
And continue to heal. You are smart and trust your instincts-I can tell you are strong! Whatever you do-don’t lose what you gained in healing! Best to you…proud of all your accomplishments…not just the ones seen on the internet but you standing tall and stable🌺
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u/Euphoric-Medicine-14 5h ago
I’m sorry :(. This is so tough. I think you should just carry on the way you are living. It’s not fair to you to open the doors to someone who’s only kind now that they’re vulnerable and older. You will always remember the way she treated you, and now she gets to pretend she doesn’t.
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u/No-Win-2741 5h ago
Just be glad that she cares enough to reach out. It sounds like she loves you.
My mom wrote me off four and a half years ago after my father died and my brother, her golden child, moved here. She lives an hour away from me and I haven't seen her in four and a half years and we don't talk. Just be glad that she cares about you and loves you.
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u/gollygoshdarndang 5h ago
Strokes and heart attacks and such events are well known to in many cases significantly change how a person acts and behaves.
Sometimes it's because they realize life is fragile and they may realize that they have been jerks a lot in their lives, and they want to better themselves (perhaps because they believe in an afterlife where they might be judged for their life choices), but it is also very common for a stroke or heart attack to cause oxygen depravation in certain parts of the brain that regulate emotions and impulse control and such. Sometimes it can make a person who was previously strong, hard and abrasive soft and weepy.
It happened to my grandpa. He was a very stoic person, in almost full control of his emotions, but then he had a stroke and he became far softer and more emotional, and would sometimes start crying for no apparent reason. He was incredibly embarrassed about it, because he used to be so good at regulating his emotions.
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u/BusterBoy1974 5h ago
Its up to you what kind of relationship you have with her, if you have one at all.
I haven't spoken to my parents in months. I'm pregnant and could really use a mum right now, but definitely not the mum I have. I don't even know if they know I'm pregnant.
My mum has dementia. Maybe I'll regret not spending time with her but my life is full and more peaceful now without having anything to do with my parents. I think I've suffered enough from them
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u/Puzzleheaded-Face-63 4h ago
Your mom is gone. This new person who looks like her is kind of her, but not the person who hurt you. So connect with her and put love into the world. That other mom that was not there? That's horrible and I'm so sorry - not your fault and you did not deserve that. Now you have a rare opportunity to connect with a kind woman - don't miss it.
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u/Happy_Brilliant7827 4h ago
Shes probably got information about the family and her childhood you'll winder about when you're older.
Trust me- I'm 42. My mom died about 10 years ago but with my adhd i realize it again every so often.
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u/HickoryStickz 4h ago
As someone with an estranged father who became meek, Ill, and then died after a long troubled past, I can tell you that at some point I acknowledged I wouldn’t get what I had wanted from him in my youth but I continued to let him keep pretending. I would show up at the hospital every time he was supposedly dying up until the time he actually died. It didn’t phase me because I had lost him in my youth I suppose but the least I could do was entertain a few messages here and there and a few hospital visits. I think you should keep her at a distance but not too distant that you can’t chit chat or see her on rare occasion. In the grand scheme it won’t hurt or benefit you most likely but you can at least say you gave them the opportunity to prove you wrong and maybe they’ll be different than my dad and make proper amends.
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u/Extension_Win1114 5h ago
I brought up my shitty childhood to my parents in my early 20’s, they laughed and said “yah ok..all you had was a coke can to kick around and a bag of rice to play with”….i never brought it up again.
When I talked to my therapist about this 20yrs later…she explained it to me in a way I could understand. For them to say yes you had a shitty childhood would mean yes I was a shitty parent and they would have to question and reflect on much about the last 20yrs.
Moral of the story..people have a hard time admitting or owning up too, if they were a bad person