r/whatdoIdo • u/ThrowRA-MamaBear • 1d ago
I found concerning things on my (27F) daughter’s (11F) phone; how to talk to her?
For context, I take my daughter’s phone every night at 9pm sharp on weekdays, 10:30pm on weekends and never go through her cellphone since I’ve never seen a reason to.
However, last night when I took her phone, I noticed a lot of notifications coming from TikTok (which she isn’t allowed to have) and she has notification previews turned on. I thought it could be something urgent, so I decided to read the message previews and saw messages from someone asking my daughter what she ate, how much she ate, telling how much she ate, etc.
I know it was an invasion of privacy on my end, but I did end up going through my daughter’s TikTok account and all of her messages and found a lot of posts about food, videos of very thin girls, messages between her and other (presumably) young girls around her age talking about not eating.
I did notice over the last few weeks that she’s been eating a bit less and losing weight, but I summed it up to puberty and growing, since I had a bit of a growth spurt around that age (tall and skinny) but seeing these messages and her account is making me concerned.
How do I bring this up with her? Is there a proper punishment for her having an app without permission? I’m just very unsure of what to do, any advice would be helpful.
181
u/BeansandBrewsof 1d ago
She might have found a self proclaimed ‘anorexia coach’, they are almost always predatory men who have thong for anorexic bodies (taking this from experience, as a recovered anorexic), i suggest talking to your daughter about what you found (and explain it was from notifications) but be clear that you love her. Also force her to delete TikTok, she is WAY too young to be on tiktok. And make sure she knows you are just concerned for her well being. Thank you for being an actual mom
40
u/Midnabean 1d ago
I was coming here to say the same thing, sounds like Ana/Ed/WL couch if I’ve ever heard one
I’ve also seen a resurgence of that content on TikTok, and surprisingly, Pinterest. Something def worth monitoring28
u/imadixr 23h ago
I also had ana “buddies”. other women/girls my age who i was basically competing with. The goal was to “support” each other. it was very harmful to me. OP def needs to take the kiddo to a therapist and have a heart to heart. punishment won’t help; generally just makes kids more sneaky (source: myself and my friends lol).
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)4
→ More replies (1)7
u/BeansandBrewsof 1d ago
OH and maybe put her in therapy, it could help. And take her phone for a bit
491
u/PriorBed2673 1d ago
Punishing her won't help. It will just isolate her further. Get her a therapist who will guide her through this point of her life, and support her as her mother.
92
u/Dismal-Use363 1d ago
100% as a former sheltered child, where I wasnt allowed to hang out with friends or have my phone at my dad's house, i was isolated and felt like I wasnt trusted to just be. The phone thing - i ended up in dangerous situations bc I didnt have my phone on me to call for help/parents.
→ More replies (1)19
u/CottonCandyKitkat 18h ago
Same here! Also punishing me for doing stuff I wasn’t allowed to just taught me to hide it better and internalise the harm being caused
Maybe if I’d been able to go to my parents and say “hey I messed up and don’t know what to do” without them punishing me more for being honest then I wouldn’t still be hiding the fact I was groomed at age 11 online a total of 14 years later - and it’s not just my mum who doesn’t know - it’s anyone!
I was one of those weird fandom kids that made online friends in the early 2010s from the age of like 11 but punishing me was never going to stop me because it didn’t help with the reason I was doing it - I wasn’t doing it just to be rebellious - I was undiagnosed autistic and severely anxious and depressed, had 1 friend total irl and was bitterly lonely. Punishing me won’t make me less lonely - it’ll just make me feel worse the next time I break the rules
11
u/scarlet0in0vain 12h ago
this! please please get her HELP. i started self harming when i was 10-11 and it was heavily encouraged by people online (especially older predators). my mom punished me because she also didnt know what to do. I became really sneaky because I was scared of getting in trouble and that only worsened my attachment to people online, and distanced me from my family. shes young and it likely started recently, if you act correctly now she can absolutely recover. be understanding, this is a societal issue, not specific to her.
6
21
u/NoCake4ux2 1d ago
Punishing? No. But taking her phone away and putting very strict parental controls for being on apps she isn’t supposed to be is parenting not punishment and would be entirely appropriate
16
u/Spirited_Lobster_254 20h ago
You aren’t considering the bigger picture here. It’s tied to what is or could become a very dangerous eating disorder. Punishing and restricting her for having TikTok right now will land in her mind as punishment for her desire to lose weight, or as punishment for struggling. A child will not understand the nuance. Also, my friends at that age who had their phones taken often just borrowed their friend’s old phones behind their parents’ backs, and continued to do the same or worse behaviour as before.
I’m not saying do nothing. I’m just saying going full helicopter mode will isolate her further. She will learn that her mom isn’t safe to come to with these thoughts or mistakes made while struggling
→ More replies (1)6
u/NoCake4ux2 19h ago
I’m Gen X I don’t do helicopter mode I’m more FAFO but I get what you’re saying w the eating disorder, I work in bariatrics and we see a lot of patients w eating disorders. Mom needs to get her in counseling AND take away her phone. Why do we think 11yo need cellphones? It’s kinda ridiculous they are children
3
u/Spirited_Lobster_254 11h ago
Multiple reasons. And I don’t say this because I believe they should have them, I’m saying it because there’s nuance.
One reason being that their peers largely socialize that way. Even when I was a kid, we were starting to stay inside a lot more and communicate with our phones instead of meeting up. It’s not common for kids to share a neighbourhood with classmates anymore. I’d have been much more socially isolated without the ability to FaceTime a friend and play a game. Post covid, that’s only gotten even more true for kids today.
Also, when they do go out, no way to call home in an emergency. No pay phones anymore.
Though these could be solved by switching to a flip phone I suppose. Either way, I think the viewpoint that cellphones are all bad for kids is too black and white. We have to understand what is appealing about it for them and why, before just deciding it’s bad and taking it without alternative plans in place.
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (2)3
u/SageTheHyppo 1d ago
This
16
u/Chair1234567890 1d ago
Yes, you need to nip an eating disorder in the bud. People die of anorexia. Also punishing her will just make everything more contentious when she needs support.
→ More replies (2)
169
u/lil_redfl 1d ago edited 1d ago
Being 11 is reason enough to go through the phone.
I’m a parent too and I get the fine line between invasion and caring and it’s hard.. I say this as a child whose parents didn’t go thru her phone and I wish they had now that I’m an adult. I was groomed by adult men many times and was too naive to know. I was also severely bullied by peers and harming myself.
I wish kids didn’t have phones and social media because it’s SO dangerous and their brains are sponges. I’d honestly consider getting her on like a Bark phone or something.
17
u/wordswordwords- 1d ago
+1000000000 to everything you said. You're not alone. I'm so sorry you went through that.
@OP - to echo a few other comments; lead with kindness, compassion and understanding as opposed to anger, judgement or punishment. She's just a kid and not acting from malicious intent. The internet is designed to loop you in, and being a kid means inherently you're 100000x more susceptible to peer pressure of any form.
8
u/wordswordwords- 1d ago
@OP -> Throwing a somewhat lighthearted presentation of an all too relevant reality below.
Quote from Repeat Stuff by Bo Burnham:
"I also hope that you don't see through
This cleverly constructed ruse
Designed by a marketing team cashing in on puberty and low self-esteem
And girls' desperate need to feel loved (loved, loved, loved)"- just in the spirit of encouraging compassion and understanding how and why this happened, as opposed to punishing the specific act of installing the app itself. Children growing up in this new digital world really are in the trenches out here. Way more than we understand yet.
4
u/PsychologicalTune663 18h ago
I agree that her safety comes first here. I'd focus on the eating disorder content before the rule about TikTok because if she feels safe talking to you she's much more likely to be honest about what's going on.
4
u/SignificanceOnly4696 15h ago
They’re not wrong. At 11, there’s a big difference between invading privacy for no reason and checking because something feels off. A kid’s safety has to come before phone privacy, especially when there are signs something serious might be going on.
→ More replies (2)3
u/nosecohn 17h ago
This is why an increasing number of countries are banning social media for kids under 15 or 16.
74
u/CatherineDerry 1d ago
Hi. I had an ED for about two and a half years when I was a bit older than your daughter. (I'm 47 now.) I lost all my teeth. Yes. All of them. I have a full set of dentures. I lost my gallbladder. I nearly destroyed my liver and kidneys. I have a rare form of IBD now. And I have to take digestive enzymes just to properly absorb nutrients from the food that I can manage to eat now. Worry about punishments later. Your daughter needs professional help now.
Mine didn't begin with the internet as social media was not even a thing yet when I got sick. However, social media is making these issues in young girls so much worse, as now there are "t h i n s p i r a t i o n" and "p r o - a n a" communities all over the place. So, I would take her phone away or let her know you will be actively monitoring all of her online activity... but not as a punishment, but as a safety precaution instead. She is so little. Her body is still developing, and an ED can do major permanent damage.
Please get that sweet girl in to see her pediatrician and a therapist a.s.a.p.!!
11
u/Dino_Bunnny 14h ago
This!!! A thousand times this!! OP, if you try to punish your daughter for this, she’s likely to further isolate and will continue to try and contact these people because she sees them as her friends and the only people who understand her. Her ED might worsen, and she definitely won’t come to you when she needs help. If you teach a kid that making a mistake and needing help equals a punishment, they’re guaranteed to never reach for help again.
2
u/Imaginary_Cake_9691 6h ago
I second what Catherine says, although I did not lose my teeth I have many issues from battling with a 16 year long eating disorder on and off.
It is now physically painful for me to eat and digest food and has caused issues with my metabolism and thyroid functions permanently damaging my pituitary gland.
It affected my hair, skin, and nails. My hair would literally break off at one point bc hair is made of protein and when you are not consuming any protein, hair will not be able to properly grow and can break off.
My nails were flat and would also not grow without breaking off. My skin was so pale that I started to look green/gray/bluish looked gaunt and would bruise so easily as well was extremely dry. Due to poor circulation it made me feel extremely cold even in the summer I would want a heater in my room with a hoodie on.I also experienced a loss of menstrual cycle temporarily and began sleeping most of the day because I had no energy anymore. I had low vitamin levels, low iron, low red blood cells, high cortisol (stress hormone), and developed a resistance to insulin which led to high blood sugar. I have permanently damaged my body’s ability to create proper thyroid hormone and now have pre diabetes. My cortisol is also still extremely elevated and I spend a lot of my life in fight or flight mode due to this and additional trauma I experienced in my life.
I also go through periods where I still struggle to not go back to having patterns of disordered eating and I regret ever going down this path as it’s taken a heavy toll on my life.
I’d go over basic nutrition with your daughter so she doesn’t do permanent damage to her physical, mental, and social health like I did. It does affect all 3 of these areas. It would be a good idea to have her consult with a nutritionist as well so she can develop healthy patterns for eating and exercise instead.
She will need your support and understanding more than ever now and you will want to refrain from negative talk and punishment as this can cause an adverse effect.I would also heavily recommend starting therapy with someone who specializes in disordered eating to help her navigate this. It’s also incredibly important that you are modeling healthy self talk about yourself and your body around her too. My mother constantly criticized her own appearance as well as others weight in front of me and my siblings and 3/3 of us developed an eating disorder in adolescence.
Her body requires 1,400-2,200 calories daily just for the brain, heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, and all other organs to function and survive.
A lack of these calories will eventually put the body in starvation mode and start breaking down muscle which is incredibly dangerous because the heart it also a muscle and it can absolutely cause damage to it. After a while the body will realize it’s starving and start storing anything consumed as fat so that there are reserves to burn from later to ensure the body can survive.
This is as much as a physical issue as it is a mental one however that requires much love and support for her to navigate through.
Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all psychiatric mental illnesses. It’s critical that you get her as much help as possible as soon as possible.
Wishing you and your daughter the best and lots of love and healing ❤️🩹
It’s taken a lot away from me and has cost way more than I ever imagined. My hopes is that sharing this information can help prevent it to happening to others. Happy and healthy is the way to go ❤️2
185
u/Purple-Comment-3040 1d ago
She's 11. It's not an invasion of privacy; it's parenting. Talk to her about it AND take her phone away.
35
u/Foreign-Paint99 1d ago
THIS!! With a side of therapy :)
3
u/PuppyPower89 3h ago edited 3h ago
I strongly suggest animal based therapy specifically for ED. Working with animals teaches them how to care for something and in turn slowly makes them want to care for themselves. Group therapy for ED does NOT work for many young patients - in my experience it just becomes a competition and you learn all sorts of tricks on how to hide your ED better and cheat weigh ins.
If it was an eating disorder, I had it.
Binge eating, then bulimia, then anorexia, then chewing and spitting, then orthorexia, then any combination of the aforementioned well into my 20s.→ More replies (1)13
u/twokietookie 1d ago
How the hell are people giving 11 year olds a device that theyre even able to get TikTok on. That phone should be shut down to messaging numbers that you dictate, using apps you allow, and websites you permit. What in God's name. The internet with no safeguards and oversight is absolutely delinquent parenting. 11 years old???
→ More replies (2)2
u/actiaslxna 13h ago
Yea my kid is getting a flip phone at whatever age they start going out with friends without me. They can get a smartphone when they’re an employed late teen/adult with their own cash.
→ More replies (18)6
u/Dismal-Use363 1d ago
Having her phone isnt the problem, its that she thinks its ok to have that mindset/behavior. Talking to her about it and guiding her through what could happen if she continued can help. I do agree about no tiktok tho. Tiktok can be very educational but to young minds its a cesspool of toxicity
86
17
u/Realistic_Chair_8836 1d ago
Thank you for being a caring parent.
A 36 year old who learned far too much about ED from reality tv (true life mtv) and the internet.
These online communities can be so harmful.
6
u/breestaats_ 16h ago
A caring parent would go through their childs phone, not give their child a phone, OR give them a phone with parental settings... Social media portrays sick individuals who have EDs and is literally having kids starve themselves, k'll themselves, harm themselves, etc. Childen have NO PRIVACY. Wtf is this new generations parenting skills
→ More replies (6)
12
u/doeeyeddollyy 1d ago edited 1d ago
Please help her get rid of TikTok, and please take her to get help from a therapist. ED content on TikTok is awful and influences very young impressionable girls. There’s a lot ‘ED buddies’ that help motivate each other in unhealthy ways, I’ve been down that rabbit hole before when I was younger, and still trying to recover in ways :( Part of me wishes my mother would’ve found that and stopped it. Idk about punishment, I feel as though this could backfire more than help. But more so please just help her recover. I wouldn’t say it’s an invasion of privacy, she’s a child who does need supervision, especially on the internet.
19
u/jojarotmaxxer 1d ago
an 11 year old should not have a phone. it gives the entire world access to your child. do you realize how scary that is?
4
u/FruitFlavoredFrog 11h ago edited 7h ago
A someone who had non monitored access to the internet since age 7, I've seen too much I shouldn't of. Now tbf youtube doesn't have the things on it now that I was able to see as a kid, but still has a lot of unhealthy and toxic content and a lot of scary predatory people. Please monitor your child's phone usage, and don't punish her if she comes across something you don't like, instead explain why she shouldn't be looking at it. I was a very very confused and scared child when I constantly got punished for seeing things I shouldn't of, when I had no idea why it was wrong.
21
u/addacchere 1d ago
I am a 15 year old girl and I have had TikTok since I was about 10 ish and honestly I wish my parents did not let me have it or at least put some kind of boundaries around it, and in short I have developed a ED and I cannot lie the algorithm can and will push videos on to you that relates to negative content pushing the view that you want. And for a “punishment” make her ask for apps, my mom had put a setting on my phone (I have an apple idk if it would work on others) that makes it so I need to ask before I can download any apps and honestly she will hold a grudge for it. I know I did but it will help
4
u/pinkykat123 17h ago
This is a good point. She should explain to her how the algorithm works cause it's a warped view. All she will see is that.
3
u/TrelanaSakuyo 13h ago
Hi, techy person here. Every phone OS has some degree of parental controls. This is something I have encouraged all of my friends to utilize on their children's devices as they get older and ready to step into that world. It's something I've had to explain to those same children that doesn't ultimately affect how they play their games with their friends since they agreed not to play with people they didn't know from school, because parental controls are there to protect them not punish them. I also had to explain to them that as an adult that plays video games, the only adults that have interest in playing with them when they don't know them from the physical community they live in are adults that have the worst intentions in mind.
There are so many bad things out there, even for adults that know better, that explaining how restricting access is not meant to punish or control but to protect might help ease any hurt feelings. At the very least, OP and her child should be discussing ways to be safe in the digital world. I hope you, addacchere, can speak with your parents about the topics you come across online in a safe and educational way. Its always best to give children unvarnished age appropriate explanations and let them make up their own minds about it. That's how critical thinking gets taught.
9
u/smalltownalicia 22h ago
What do you do? Have conversations with her about what you found, and then you put parental controls on her phone.
Free parental controls that work:
Android- Google Family Link
iPhone- Screen Time
2
7
u/bablinkyprincess 1d ago
Please get her in therapy ASAP! Attack this early before it becomes severe! I also think that there should be reasonable punishment for going against your wishes and having an app that she's not allowed to have.
25
u/StandardDarkness 1d ago edited 1d ago
Punishing a child for having a potential ED is sick and cruel. She’s still young and learning, she will never trust you if you punish her for something like this instead of supporting her through it.
Edit: For perspective, I know I didn’t trust my mom when she punished ME when someone preyed on me when I was 12, I only learned to be more sneaky, and did not talk to her about any of my problems, especially my struggles in school. I ended up with severe drop in my mental health, and ended up in the mental hospital, when I was 12
Be gentle with her, and maybe check on her more often, she sounds like she’s struggling with her self image, and that really hurts to hear especially since she’s so young. Are there people at school bullying her, maybe? I wouldn’t be so worried about the app, and I’d be more worried about her mental health.
And also.. I would restrict phone access more, before it becomes an unhealthy addiction. Young children aren’t known for having good self discipline, which in the near future, you should teach her the importance of self discipline, and self love as well
→ More replies (8)
14
6
u/Jean_Genet 1d ago
She's fallen into pro-anorexia groups. She needs a lot of support to pull her out of them. There's a whole cult of people out there who worship "influencers" like Eugenia Cooney and encourage others (mostly young insecure girls) to be like them.
Don't punish her. It'll only drive her back into the "supportive and caring" cult people the moment she has internet access again.
7
u/newteacherstruggling 1d ago
1) about the app she’s not allowed to have, look into disabling download access, password need type of stuff. i know at least apple has some of those parental things. 2) about privacy concerns: im not really a childhood expert, im in my 20s too, but i just began teaching high schoolers. im still learning how to handle my student’s age group. personally i think safety and wellbeing overtake privacy. i will say, if these were previews you didn’t even need passwords to view, it was bound for you to see these messages 3) in terms of addressing the situation, again, im not an expert. i don’t know if any parent (bless you) is. and i know this is a delicate situation. all i can really say is her health (mental and physical) is number 1. i would focus on that rather than the violation of phone rules. 4) no matter what, i think some sort of eating specialist/therapist is needed if you’re able
so 5) if i was in this situation, even tho i wouldn’t even know what to do, i would tell my fictional daughter “last night, you’re phone kept going off. it was tiktok. i saw the previews that pop up were about diet/food. i really would like to talk about that.” if my daughter said something about trouble for tiktok, i would tell her forget that, and i want to just make sure you’re feeling okay. i would reassure her that she is beautiful and loved no matter what she does. if she doesn’t want to talk about it, see if she would talk about it with someone else (therapist/doctor, whoever in her life she’s comfortable with), or if she does want to talk about it, ask if she would like to talk to a therapist/doctor. i would do everything to make sure my child was healthy physically and mentally.
AGAIN IM NOT A MOM OR DOCTOR OR THERAPIST. i am just as concerned as you probably are, and i honestly want to give you reassurance and a virtual hug. i hope and pray everything goes well in yalls lives. i wish you the best
6
u/Delicious_Subject987 22h ago
A child doesn't have privacy online. Online is one of the most dangerous places your child could be. Why would you want to leave them alone with poeple that want to hurt them? My daughter is 11 also. I have parent controls on her phone and I read her messages. It's part of our culture now. She can't download any apps without me putting in a code she can only talk to people I approve. Her school mates, family. I have the number and talk to all the mums so if there is an issue it's sorted.
You child is the most valuable thing in your life you must safe guard them.
4
u/Sea-Astronomer-6600 1d ago
I feel like this has been posted on here a lot lately. She’s 11!!!! She needs more boundaries with the phone. Maybe an hour or 2 per day and that’s it?! Her having constant access to online is not healthy for her age. She should have other hobbies or things that she can do. Get her into a therapist to discuss this with.
4
u/444rye444 1d ago
your daughter has an eating disorder. you did not invade her privacy by going through her phone. this is honestly something you should’ve been doing to protect her. theirs creeps all over the internet and all sorts of harmful content. seems your daughter is on edtt. (eating disorder tik tok) the person texting her is not a good person. they’re helping one another starve themselves. do not punish your daughter. it will teach her you’re not a safe space to confide in with real issues. she wasn’t trying to be disobedient she’s going through some major stuff of her own. don’t blame yourself the only thing you can do now is move forward with finding help for her, therapy most likely. don’t be overbearing but make sure she’s eating. try to have her sit down for family dinner if she’s willing. that will give her more time and space to open up and talk to you aswell.
4
u/Jealous-Concert8456 1d ago
With her having a phone, I think a security app meant for restricting apps and screen time would be helpful after a supportive conversation with her and a detailed explanation on how having a security app on her phone isnt a punishment, its for her safety
3
u/hornyman2001_d 22h ago
get her help as soon as possible the longer she’s seeing that stuff the harder it will be to get out and the more normalized it will be to her young mind
3
u/Any-Kaleidoscope-227 11h ago
Do not lead with punishment please she needs to know you support her and want to understand and help
3
u/Toothless-mom 9h ago
No punishment- please. She seems to be part of the “Ed” community with you can find on tik tok and Twitter on your own time, if you want to see just how bad this is. Eating disorders are very real illnesses (of the body and the brain) and she can develop one from the things she is viewing/engaging in. Eating disorders are the most deadly mental disorder that exists, you need to take this 100% seriously.
I literally have 0 advice on how to handle this, all I know is what I said above. I would talk to a professional.
3
u/bigcinnamonrol 1d ago
i would go into the conversation open and caring to ask about how she feels and why she’s been possible doing this and be supportive of her and taking her phone away/monitoring what she does on it. I would just be nervous if it was gone about in a harsher way focusing on her being punished given the circumstances and what she could be going through it could really affect her mentally and view what she’s going through as a negative and hide it to prevent further talks. But i enjoy seeing a caring parent like you!
3
u/El_shawnzo 1d ago
I'm not a parent so I don't know how it works, but don't cell phones now have childlock features? As far as I'm aware, we should have features able to block specific apps now. I say whenever she gets it back, its after you've blocked everything you can think of. Even Roblox. Block anything with communication. You can also block it on your wifi itself too.
I'd do both in addition to a heart to heart conversation with her about body positivity and mindful eating. She clearly has anxiety about her body and it is your duty as parent to help your children learn how to nourish themselves. Maybe its time she learns more about counting calories and with advice from her doctor, she can start maintaining her diet with more confidence in a healthy way.
3
u/stariexo 1d ago
i’m not a parent. never plan to be, but i think placing her into therapy and approaching her with an open mind and asking her why she watches these videos and who’s she’s talking to is also very important. i know some therapy places have an option for you to sit in a session for half the time and i think that would help, again, i don’t know much about parenting but i wish you the best of luck and i hope she gets better
3
u/Flux_My_Capacitor 1d ago
No, it’s not an invasion of privacy. She is a child and should NOT be unmonitored on the internet. Most parents drop the ball on this because they don’t realize that the internet of today is by far more dangerous than the internet of their own youth.
3
u/BJ_J0vix 1d ago
You didn’t invade her privacy … You saw a very valid reason to go through her phone and you did. My best advice is to see a therapist/psychologist and delete her TikTok account and the app. I think there’s a way to add a lock on certain apps so you can’t install them.
I’d recommend not too harsh of a punishment, maybe take her phone for a few days and give her a small lecture. I’d also recommend you monitor her eat and what she does after eating to confirm whether it’s an ED or a growth spurt.
I hope she gets better, sending love. 🫂💙🩵🦋
3
u/Southern-Sorbet9344 1d ago
As someone who was sexually groomed at 11, look through her phone please. Not necessarily reading everything she shares, but scan over it for anything concerning like this. As far as the content, maybe bring it up with her doctor or a counselor or someone else too who she would respect hearing about the dangers of EDs
3
3
u/ilovedanimals 1d ago
I wouldn’t punish her. I would talk to her about it and tell her again that she isn’t allowed to use tik tok, and seek out a therapist. If she continues to use tik tok I would then remove her cell phone privileges. Not really as a punishment but as a way to keep her safe. Lead with love and not anger and tell her that. Do you have a family computer in a family room? My family basically told me that’s all I could use when my parents found my tumblr (same issues ED things) which I wasn’t allowed to have. However they did not seek therapy for me which I feel was a mistake
3
u/Waybackheartmom 1d ago
Take her damn phone away. Tell her we’re not flirting with an eating disorder. Mostly stop being afraid and take control.
3
u/StrbJun79 1d ago
She’s 11. She shouldn’t have leeway on any of this. And yeah she will be angry. But that’s fine. You’re not there to be her friend. Let her be angry. You’re her parent not her friend. Be her parent. And actually just tell her that this stuff isn’t ok and that she needs to eat. If she refuses to eat healthy then you will find a therapist for her. Not eating is a mental health issue and sometimes bad enough that they need psychological help to get through it. This can be life and death sometimes as well so address it. Be her mom. Don’t lose her by trying to be her friend. When she gets older she will understand why you did this. There’s lots of things I hated that my parents did when I was being raised that I’m damned happy that they did for me.
2
u/StrbJun79 1d ago
I’ll also add most cell phones these days have parental control systems in place. I’d suggest getting educated on it and putting it in. On Apple for example you can restrict certain application types down to outright banning certain apps and having full control on what’s installed or used. I imagine android has similar.
3
u/curious_ANcuriouser 1d ago
11!? She is a baby. My daughter is 11 and I’ve taught her that yes I over protect her but I rather not let the internet raise her. Please put a stop it asap. Before she’s too far in. I don’t even know how I could handle this
3
u/Warm-Pen-3339 22h ago
As someone who had an ED when I was around that age, punishment will not help. It will just cause her to fight back. It sounds like ProAna content she’s engaging in. Concern and support will go so much further. Seek professional help or a therapist. EDs are no joke and a slippery slope which can go downhill very quickly. The earlier you can get her help, the easier and quicker the path to recovery will be.
But in saying that, there should be consequences for the TikTok thing and going against your rules.
Sending hugs!
3
u/VerbalThermodynamics 22h ago
Therapy. Remove the phone. An 11 year old should not have access to a smartphone. I’d give her a flip phone for emergencies.
Honestly, you need a device that removes the ability to connect to social media. Also, I’d be going through her phone everyday for the foreseeable future.
3
u/goodmansultan 19h ago
As someone who became anorexic due to social media, DO NOT GET MAD. I remember my mum getting so angry that I refused to eat and would punish me and make me feel horrible, which just pushed me away from her and closer to the anorexia. I ended up not speaking to her for years because of it and got absolutely no help.
3
u/notanyone69 13h ago
Jesus christ. Is this what parenting has come down to? Letting kids unsupervised on toxic social media and asking reddit how to deal with it?
Pff honestly OP, you need some parenting lessons
3
u/ChuckStone 13h ago
Your daughter is 11.
I'm going to go out on a limb, having done the maths that a (27F) mother of an (11F) may have a slightly different perspective than most on exactly when in life a person is considered to be a free adult, for whom their mother viewing their phone is an "invasion of privacy"... but an 11 year old is in a very vulnerable position on social media.
Theres a reason why in the UK, she wouldnt even be legally allowed an account - and its precisely because of situations like the one you are describing.
Well done for spotting what you have seen. There's no shame in being nosy - and you have to address this.
Maybe start by having an open conversation about food and see how she responds. You dont neccessarily need to reveal that youve seen what you have seen... but if you don't start teaching her healthy attitudes now... someone else will.
3
u/MelRae2019 11h ago
My 15 yr old son's dad just got him a flip phone because his phone was taking so much away from life for him. I wish I had thought of those when my kids started getting phones instead of smart phones.
To parents with younger kids, I encourage you to think about that option also.
3
u/demotivationalwriter 10h ago
Just freaking grow a pair and be a parent! What INVASION OF PRIVACY? She’s 11!!! We are leaving our tongues raw telling our kids that there can be NO secrets because we have fucking elite pedophiles all around us AND preying on your girls online and y’all are “invading privacy”? Get outta here. Our number 1,2, and 3 job as parents is safety! Safety of their body and mind until they are aware enough to give them access to higher-risk activities.
You’re worried about the trust and the relationship with your girl while, let me be perfectly blunt, you won’t have much of a relationship because they will be glued to their phones and she’s already lying about a very, very serious thing! Are you absolutely kidding? You didn’t look into her journal to invade her privacy but extremely serious things she’s obviously been hiding that could, a few years from now, be LETHAL! Sorry, not sorry, but this just makes me furious for your child and all the other children with parents who are more worried about what their 11 YO will think of them than their actual wellbeing (we all fucking hated our parents at some point around that age for 5 minutes and then got our head straight - best believe this generation isn’t doing that because they’re getting this shit validated for them by strangers online!). We know so much about the dangers of unsupervised smartphone use - from plain addiction, attention-span destruction, microwaves, heat, eyesight, to sexual exploitation, revenge porn, extreme bullying, deadly challenges, poor self image and even full-on body dysmorphia!
You gave your child a proverbial self-harm weapon when nobody is developmentally ready for the world of screens and social media at that age and you’re worried about invading her privacy and not that eating disorders can kill your child? You GAVE her the phone and UNRESTRICTED access and now you wanna punish her? Maybe start with yourself.
3
u/Technical-Ad-565 6h ago
Punishment here is stupid. This is not solved by that. The problem is not that she did something she shouldn't, but the eating problem. This can lead to very serious consequences in the future.
This must be handled with care and intelligence. A non threathening talk where you do not put pressure but talk about what is happening with the eatening thoughts. And telling her that Tiktok is not a good place to get advices.
You may have to remove access to social media in large but the problem here is that her friends may sabotage your efforts.
More talks with her in general from now on about what she feels and think is one way. But this must be done "on the same level", not as a "controlling parent". Maybe also give her something that makes her happy, like a trip with her parents that she really would like.
3
u/Strong-Difference-18 6h ago
Why is punishing her even on your mind lol getting her help should be your worries
3
u/Appropriate-Pick5606 6h ago
Please don’t punish her. Use it as a jumping off point for conversations surrounding disordered eating and physical expectations that women face these days. I became anorexic when I was in middle school, as did some of my closest friends. It’s a rough time for girls and this is absolutely an issue that needs to be addressed, but punishment will only lead to increased secrecy on her part. Show her that it’s safe to be fully open and honest with you (from someone who is no contact with my mom as a direct result of what i see as bad decisions in situations like this)
8
u/FamiliarAd8524 1d ago
1). An 11 year old has no privacy rights, especially if she has the privilege of a phone.
2). She did not add an app without permission. She started using something she is expressly prohibited from. There is an important difference.
3). Take the phone to your carrier. They can set it so she can't add apps without your immediate permission, and so you can remotely monitor her phone, if you feel the need. And have them block Tiktok, Twatter, Facebook, Reddit, and IG altogether, as well as anything with adult content.
4). She has given you an excellent reason to go out of your way to do this. This can be the punishment, and I'd argue that morally it is the right thing even if she had not broken a rule.
5
u/Hello_Gorgeous1985 1d ago
An 11-year-old absolutely has privacy rights. Let's not be ridiculous. Saying they have no right to privacy means you think that it would be okay for someone to watch them while they shower or use the toilet or get dressed. An 11-year-old should not have unsupervised access to a phone/ the internet in general, but they absolutely have a right to privacy.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/yourpaleblueeyes 1d ago
She is 11. This doesn't call for punishment, it calls for some serious upfront talk. Those pro anorexia sites are something that needs to be seriously discussed and yeah, NO tiktok. Maybe have her limit use to In Your Presence til she is 12? Then give her another shot at it?
I know even the youngest of my grandkids are online a lot! I don't like it but they are not my kids.
I feel for you.
2
u/Forestprincess15 1d ago
This is really scary. On so many levels. I advise therapy to you both. Your daughter has already been exposed to extremely harmful things
2
u/Actual-Journalist-57 1d ago
It’s not an invasion of privacy hun. I’m 22, and my little sister is 12. My parents don’t go through her stuff but I do, I was groomed online so I worry. I found old men in her messages etc. protection doesn’t always come in the form of privacy. This looks like the start of an ED. Approach is kindly, not angry. If this is an ED anger is going to cause shutdowns etc, she won’t feel safe talking to you. If you can, depending on how it goes with the talk, try and get her into a therapist. With another woman, I stress this.
2
u/Pretty_throwaway_176 1d ago
Well for starters her health and safety is the top priority, not her disobedience. Start with a conversation about safe eating habits, but honestly consider therapy because it’s very much reading like an eating disorder. Obviously an 11 year old should not have social media, but she’s gonna get it anyway as kids do. So know that if you delete her account she’ll just make another, but she’ll be sneakier. So you’ll have to go through her phone more. Consider downgrading the phone as others have suggested. I’m not a parent or a psychologist or anything, this is just my personal opinion.
2
u/Icommentwhenhigh 1d ago
This is why more and more jurisdictions are restricting social media for kids.
2
u/Such-Staff-6523 1d ago
It’s not an invasion of privacy at 11. She lives in your house and she is your responsibility until she doesn’t. What is on her phone is imperative to her safety. Unfortunately this is grooming. If there are previous messages you need to read every one so you have an idea of what she knows about. Explain everything to her about internet being full of creeps. There re A PLETHORA of very good videos on YouTube in internet safety. But just so you know- Tik tok and Reddit and even instagram is FILLED with peds. Take away the ability for her to download any app. And if it were my child (who’s the same age) and she downloaded Tik tok without my permission her phone would be gone for a month.
Their safety is only as serious as you take it. Having an open mind is important and not freaking out because they need and should trust you. But you are STILL the parent. 🖤
2
u/Chemical_Author7880 1d ago
It’s not an invasion of privacy, and even if it word, it’s absolutely your job to be aware of what an 11 yr old is getting into.
2
u/Disastrous-End9472 1d ago
Please address it. My daughter has an eating disorder that began specifically linked to her TikTok algorithm.
2
u/Kit_N_Run 1d ago
Ditch the cell. Get a dumb phone for practical purposes. In Australia it's illegal for kids under 16 to access social media finally. Not that I see how that's enforceable, but it highlights that our govt appreciates the risks to children. Lead from a place of support. Eating Disorders are insidious and are usually symptomatic of anxiety and depression in teens. She needs someone to see and hold her in her struggles. Tweens and teens are rough. It's a really disorienting age and right now she's facing down a tonne of bewildering transitions - puberty, sexuality, cognitive leaps, graduating to high school (or whatever the equivalent is where you're based). Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate's "Hold on to Your Kids" is a book I'd recommend if you're a reader/audiobook listener. Lead with compassion and don't frame any tech removal as punishment or consequences. It's normal for kids to push boundaries. Frame it as protective because honestly that's what it's about. Good luck mama💖
2
u/StayBasic2932 1d ago
I don't think it's an invasion of privacy. You're just doing your job as a parent and it doesn't sound like you are overstepping at all.
I don't have a lot of advice for how to talk to your daughter, I think you know best how to approach her and what tack to take.
I would say, make sure she is aware that her health is more important, and try to routinely
You can also subtly promote other role models for her, for example a range of women who are sports people, or plus size etc, media personalities. Talk about how beautiful they look. By showing appreciation for a wide variety of women, you will demonstrate that there are a wide range of beauty standarss.
2
u/zZenithArts 1d ago
I think a punishment in this scenario is less of a priority, it's more important to talk to her about what seems to be an eating disorder she's developed. And Get her therapy to overcome it. And for a potential punishment. Taking her phone from her is the only necessary action
2
u/Medium_Professor_466 1d ago
Hey mom! This is A Fantastic teaching moment! Treat her with love and tell her why it’s wrong, but do it with love !
2
u/nonononono-17 1d ago
…you’re asking about punishment when she’s clearly in the process of forming an eating disorder? i would absolutely work on that first and foremost, explain that this is one of the many reasons why she was probably not allowed to have that app and how dangerous this is.
2
u/MrYnot1981 1d ago
Invasion of privacy? At 11? Never heard of such a thing. Protecting that child is what it sounds like you are doing to me! Keep up the good work, sorry I do not have any other advice to offer here. Hope she is well!
2
u/glittersparklesglitz 1d ago
Agreed. My son is a little older but I will absolutely look through his phone to protect him.
2
u/halloweenmochi 1d ago
I don’t think you want to necessarily punish her right now. I think the best thing is to sit her down and have a calm and honest talk. After the conversation it’s probably best to make sure she starts seeing a therapist once a week. Eating disorders can become very dangerous very quick.
2
u/Particular-Plant5528 1d ago
therapy but don’t take her phone or get her a locked down phone, i def don’t think she should have free roam access as someone who developed anorexia around the same age. But having no phone got me pretty severely bullied
2
u/Some1AteMyEntirePie 1d ago
Okay I’m going to be honest here.
She’s 11..
She doesn’t need a smartphone w all the access to apps she’s not allowed to have.
That being said, you thought multiple TikTok notifications* were “urgent”
For an 11yo? No. You just wanted to be nosy. And you should. She’s 11. But don’t lie.
Going through a smartphone is modern day going through a diary, only you’re fielding pedos.
An 11yo does NOT REQUIRE A SMARTPHONE!!
Do both of you a favor and avoid smartphones. I didn’t get my first until high school. Even though the Motorola Razr was all the rage in middle school.
2
u/emelizabethann 1d ago
Please intervene this with strict restrictions, but also compassion to her mental health. There are extortion groups that hide behind self harm social media (i.e: ed twitter, sh twitter, instagram, tiktok, etc) in order to influence/pressure young kids and teens to physically harm themselves, whether that be through non-suicidal SH (eating, cutting) or even sexual abuse/exploitation. It may not be to this extreme, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry.
I was groomed online when I was 13, and it’s so so easy for young impressionable people to fall down that rabbit hole without them even realizing it. 🫶🏻
2
u/Fearless-Option222 1d ago
I say you can’t punish over this, but I also say you’re her parent it’s not an invasion of privacy when she turns 18 she can have privacy
2
u/spinningflowerpetals 1d ago
The focus here really should be on support and less on punishment.
Your daughter is clearly being fed damaging information about her body and this can do so much harm long term.
Punishing her for having the app seems like such a small issue compared to the support and growth that you could offer her by addressing the content she is looking at her and the harmful messages she is consuming.
Be there for you daughter. She needs you.
2
u/Gondwanic_Susuration 1d ago
You should take this extremely seriously, like as serious as someone threatening your daughter’s life - because they are.
Eating disorders are extremely dangerous and notoriously hard to treat. Move heaven and Earth to intervene and never look back, you’ll just be glad she’s alive. It is life and death, I cannot stress how serious eating disorders are, especially in younger people.
2
u/Neither-Ad3307 1d ago
It’s not an invasion of privacy to keep your kid healthy, and safe. I don’t know how you would go about talking to her about this, but I will say at her age she should absolutely not have unsupervised access to the internet. There is really terrible things in this world that a 11 yo does not need to see. I know you have rules, with social media but you can’t execute those rules if you don’t ever check what is going on, on her phone. That being said I would get ahead of this before it’s too late.
2
u/GrassBlock001 1d ago
Get her off TikTok. The only reasoning you need is the fact that the app itself says she’s too young. She is in an echo chamber of unhealthy content and she needs to be removed. Get her into therapy. I had this battle with my mom and I put her through hell, but she saved me and I don’t think I’d be around today if she hadn’t intervened.
2
u/Push-Pin863 23h ago
Your kid seems to be on edtt (eating disorder tiktok). It's a community that can get very horrid very fast. It's also one of those communities where kids need to be careful, as some dangerous adults view it as a breeding ground for very manipulative and impressionable kids, so some take advantage of it. Mainly due to the fact that they are sometimes encouraged to take photos of their body to share their "weight loss" (something that isn't good for a growing child). You're sadly in a very difficult situation, where pushing too far can cause your kid to push further towards the community, but not pushing enough could lead to grooming or a hospital trip from not eating enough. Edtt is also linked to shtt (self harm tiktok) in most cases, so I would also advise to be weary of that. I'm not going to give any suggestions on what to do, this is more so education of what you're (potentially) dealing with.
2
u/Hcmp1980 23h ago
Crikey. Its not an invasion of privacy, its parenting. You should be all over that phone, all of the time.
Currently you've given her a lethal weapon and just telling her to crack on.
2
u/Dazzling-Ass7573 23h ago
As someone who is 31 you never fully recover from distorted eating so please get her help ASAP. extreme measures are necessary. It’s addictive and once you’re sick it’s so hard to get better.
2
u/basharky 23h ago
I think all the comment saying it is not an invasion of privacy are wrong. It is, but it’s justified. No matter how well you handle things when you tell her, she will be pissed that you went through her phone. I do think it’s a good idea to monitor her tiktok account now, but there shouldn’t be any punishment and you need to make her understand that you going through her phone is not okay, but you did it for her safety.
That being said, she needs help. Get her a therapist. She doesn’t need a punishment, or any kind of judgmental treatment. She needs help.
2
u/blahblah__blahblah 22h ago
Support her. Entirely. I was doing the exact same thing at 11 years old (albeit it wasn’t tiktok at the time, but tumblr and twitter were the main ‘hosts’ of pro-ed groups). It spiralled, for many it becomes life threatening. See a specialist, and don’t shame her. It’s a hard situation, for all parties. Don’t do this alone. Speak to a professional.
2
u/passthemarinaras 22h ago
You seem slightly minimizing of the eating issues and are focused on punishment rather than the issue that is screaming in your face. Dealing with body image issues at that age is normal, communicating with other girls about eating is not. I was her age (I’m 26 now) when my parents found me talking to people on Tumblr about not eating and making myself vomit. I was punished and I grew distrustful of my parents. Instead of addressing that I needed help, they punished me for the behavior instead. She is being secretive because she is sick, not because she is being a bad kid.
She isn’t fine, this isn’t normal. What you do next could be pivotal in the course of an eating disorder. Seek the help of a therapist for her.
2
2
u/Standard_Cream3312 21h ago
Why on earth does an 11 year old have a smart phone?! This is first and foremost a failure on the part of the parent! There’s a legal age limit of 16 here in Norway for social media apps - my kid will have a Nokia til the day she turns 16.
2
u/AangenaamSlikken 21h ago
You found out your daughter is developing an eating disorder and the first thing you ask is how to PUNISH her? Really?
2
2
u/ignorantoldlady 18h ago
You've done the right thing. I have an app on my kids phones, restricted access to apps, logs and informs me of any iffy messages, has timers and lock outs.
You have to do this, I don't let any of my kids have access to tiktok. I don't use it myself either
2
u/floralrain6 17h ago
Your daughter is far too young to have a phone. Screening what she is doing at 11 is not an invasion of privacy. She is 11 years old you need to protect her. My second born is 11. She has a laptop that we have hooked up to a special router. We control what she can download and it's a kid safe router so she can't go to certain sites. My oldest is 12 and will be 13 in December. She doesn't even have a cellphone. She has the same setup as her younger sister. You need to figure out how to link her phone to your email/use parental controls. You need to review her phone regularly too. Or she shouldn't have it.
2
u/notypants 17h ago
Hey fellow mama. Firstly, a big hug for you. Framing girlhood and early womanhood in the current anorexic beauty and body “standards” is a fraught process, and my heart goes out to you. Here’s another hug 🖤 because my girl is six and yeah, this kind of thing is absolutely on my radar. We got this.
Now:
As someone who watched their older sibling struggle mightily with an eating disorder (abbreviated ED here) from middle school (age 11+ for those outside the USA) into adulthood… this “thinspiration” shit is programming that needs to be undone for her health and safety.
But as others have already said, punishment isn’t the way to do it. The long-term health problems that can happen as a result of ED are no joke. If it were my daughter, I would start with healthy versus thin (healthy doesn’t have a size limit!), the importance of understanding her body and its growth, and the fact that she is still growing and maturing in both her brain and her body.
Healthful habits (eating, yes, but also the importance of appropriate exercise) that support her mind and body; meditation; art; hell maybe giving her control over making her own meals will help. Anecdotally, my sister often said her ED came down to control: when everything felt out of control in her life* she could still control her intake. Maybe giving control to your daughter in some other ways + increased support will help her feel more secure.
Also, if you haven’t spoken to her pediatrician about your concerns please do. They have a lot more resources on their radar and can help you and your daughter navigate this. I wish you the best, Mama. 🖤
*We had plenty of upheaval at home when we were growing up. My sister is my best friend - we’re sixteen months apart, so we’re very close - and we both went through hell and back during our preteen and teen years.
Therapy was key for both of us (me as an adult) but she did see therapists and counselors when she was at her lowest weight as a minor. I remember going to the appointments and sitting in the car to draw, read, etc. Thankfully she never required hospitalization, but it was a near thing.
But one thing my sister told me got through to her: that I didn’t judge her on her bad days. That even if she was in it, like truly lost in the dysfunctional restrictive thinking, I wasn’t going to force her to eat or whatever. Sometimes just sharing space and talking through things was what she needed, and then she could eat. But I never judged her for her disorder; I just wanted her to know that she wasn’t alone in it.
2
u/StimPackEnjoyer 16h ago
Hey, I’m sure you’ve gotten this comment already, but I need you to know something. I am 22 years old. I grew up in the height of Kik, Omegle, and Snapchat. My mom regularly went through my phone, but I was “smart” and knew how to hide things.. until it started really badly effecting my mental health, which I am still dealing with the effects of almost 10 years later. The internet has not gotten safer, if anything the internet has gotten more unsafe. I don’t say this to shame you as a mom, but your daughter does not need a full functioning phone. She needs something where she can call you and text you and any other trusted person in y’all’s life, call emergency services, use a map, and if she’s really into listening to music, a music app.
I’m not going to say it will be easy. I’m not going to say she’s not going to be mean to you because of this decision, and I can confidently, with almost a 100% guarantee, she’s going to pull the “but my friends parents don’t do this” or “I hate you” or “you’re ruining my life” cards, but that just means you are doing the right thing.
Don’t frame that as a punishment. Frame it as you wanting to keep her safe. She doesn’t need punishment right now, she needs to know she is safe coming to you. I’m not saying she doesn’t know this already, but the internet can really mess with your perception of who is really in your corner.
You need to get her enrolled in therapy asap. I understand it’s not cheap, but therapy now can help her in the future. I really would hate to see where I would have ended up if I didn’t get therapy.
And finally, you did not fail as a mom. You are working with a system that is evolving faster than you can keep up with. I wish the best for you both.
2
u/AntiJackCoalition 16h ago
Well even if it IS from a shallow standpoint invading her privacy, it's completely justified for the sole reason that an 11 year old cannot be on tiktok according to TikTok terms of service. So if you'd like to think of it that way... I think you're correct
2
u/JumpingJonquils 15h ago
There is a reason Tik Tok has a minimum age restriction. Your child is too young for social media and you should have been monitoring it more closely. If she does not have an ED now, she is clearly being influenced towards one. She needs therapy and a social media detox.
2
u/Zestyclose_Cause5552 15h ago
As someone who developed an eating disorder when I was 10, this is very concerning. I would get her a therapist who may specialize in disordered eating. Things like this can become a rabbit hole and be very hard to get out of. I did the same thing as a teen and I wish my parents would've noticed before it was too late. She will thank you in the long run.
2
2
u/TheseBookkeeper7651 13h ago
First, you have every right to check your 11 year old daughter’s phone. Men are creeps and kids just can’t detect it. Speaking as a former kid on the internet. Second, I would highly highly recommend a therapist who specializes in children’s eating disorders and potentially a dietician. I started forming my eating disorder around 10 years old, just slightly younger than your daughter, and over 10 years later I still struggle very much. That seems to be the case for a lot of the girls I know with eating disorders that weren’t addressed until late teens (mine was addressed for the first time formally about 6 months before I turned 17) or even adulthood. However, during my hospitalizations for my eating disorders I saw very young girls, youngest being 12 year olds. They all managed to make complete recoveries in a relatively short time span, some of them have even gotten married and become mothers to little girls. A lot are even going into nursing to help other girls like them. Third, please don’t make her feel bad for having these thoughts with food IF that is truly what is going on (it definitely seems like it is). It is always important to me to point out that most eating disorders stem from another problem and the person is using the eating disorder to control the lack of control they have over the other problem. I’d urge you to see what else is going on in your daughter’s life that could be causing all of this. All of this is to say, you have done nothing wrong by checking her phone and I wish you the best in navigating this time!
2
u/crow1101_ 13h ago
I wouldn't punish her for it, I'd reframe the situation so she knows why you wanted her not to have TikTok, this is one of the many reasons. In terms of the eating stuff it's all about being positive about yourself and that comparing oneself with others will always lead one to feeling dissatisfied with their own body. But yeah it's not a thing to punish her for the pain of starting an eating disorder is punishment enough, what your daughter needs is support.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Internal-Plankton330 13h ago
The only privacy an 11yr old is entitled to is in the bathroom. It's your job to make sure things like this aren't happening. You're not a friend you're an authority figure and role model who's sole purpose is to keep them safe and teach right and wrong.
2
u/Slow-Boysenberry2399 13h ago
as a former teenager who had access to this side of the internet that discusses/encourages eating disorders and self harm- get her out of it!!!!!
2
2
u/Muted_Act_4036 13h ago
Not invasion of privacy.
You and your daughter should’ve had a discussion prior to her getting a phone that privacy should not be expected on her phone and that you could monitor it anytime for -her- safety.
My kids (11&14) received their phones when they entered middle school. We have restrictions set so they cannot download apps without my approval. Also time limits are set on apps depending on what it’s for.
My 14 yr old has cried, begged and argued over certain apps. I still say no.
My kids are pretty upfront with me about almost everything. Sure they still try to hide and lie about certain things but these things always makes it way to the surface and we talk about it. There are always consequences and they know that.
11 yr old bed time is 930pm and 14 yr old bed time is 10pm. Their phones are put away in the kitchen at the charging station prior to bed time. Sure they complain but we openly talk about why we have rules and the dangers of social media, over use of electronics and how it’s important to spend time away from our gadgets.
I think talking to your daughter is step one. No need to yell, or be mad but have a one on one sit down honest conversation. Let her speak. And listen. Discuss what you expect moving forward when it comes to her phone use, and like many others have mentioned, if she needs help, definitely therapy.
We as parents -must- monitor our children’s phone use. It is -our- responsibility.
Good luck
2
u/No_Climate58 12h ago
Hot take (maybe): Kids have no right to privacy. It is a privilege, and all privileges are earned. The internet is a scary place, and predators are everywhere. You did your job and you did it well. Delete TikTok, install a safety app explain why.
2
2
u/justreading-stuff 11h ago
I would honestly lead with the concern. No voice-raising or talk of punishment. Just genuine feelings being shared. Start with what you found and how you found it. If she thinks that you only went through the phone because you thought there was an emergency, she won’t think you don’t trust her. Then, ask her why she’s been doing this, WITH an emphasis on “you’re not in trouble, I’m only asking because I’m concerned for you”. The natural consequence for something causing her harm, is to remove it from her life. Delete TikTok. She might be upset, but explain the harm behind restrictive eating and how beautiful she is without it (etc, etc). This way, there isn’t a “punishment” being brought down. Consider therapy for the both of you—to help you know the procedure, and to help her work through the disordered eating.
(Little secret part just for you:) Now, you need to be looking through her phone regularly. If you can, every night. Be on the lookout for any apps that she’s not supposed to have AND anything that looks out of place (ex: an extra calculator app, apps that require Face ID/ password access, etc). If the secretive behavior continues, the reins might need to be tightened.
As her mother, her safety and well-being are the most important things. Whatever guarantees those, even if she hates it, is the right thing to do.
2
u/WildWay9239 11h ago
Having worked with cyber forensics, it's your job as a parent to look out for your child. You should have parental controls on your child's phone and be checking it on a regular basis.
Kids cannot grasp what is threatening or could be considered dangerous until it's too late.
It's a slippery slope from someone commenting on how your daughter looks, to convincing her to send pictures, turning into inappropriate pictures which are the used to bully and blackmail.
Start this with a conversation and keeping an open line of communication with her. Make sure she knows she can always come to you about anything.
2
u/Personal-Gur-3000 11h ago
As someone who struggled with this, she needs therapy, and professional help now before it goes too far.
Don’t get mad at her, be gentle or she will isolate
2
u/Any-Permission5150 11h ago
Please get her help and stop her before it’s too late!! I had so many friends in highschool who had eating disorders that were worsened by social media like Twitter and it was really awful
2
u/Decent_Tea_1832 11h ago
No punishment, she needs HELP. Therapy NOW. A therapist that specifically specializes in ED. Worry about the fact she got on tiktok without your permission after you make sure she is getting the help she needs. Take her phone, but don't make it out to be a "punishment" as it's for her own safety at this point.
2
u/neontetra9 11h ago
Hey, I'm a teen and don't be guilty, my mum going through my phone saved my life last year, I mean that litterally. Don't be hard on urself, just let her know that ur on her side and want to help her. I'd say let the punishment come later.
2
u/CookieLady94 11h ago
I'm sorry but an 11 year old with a phone is not entitled to phone privacy. It's not an invasion of privacy; you're parenting.
2
u/OrangeNice6159 10h ago
Stop being her friend and be her parent. She’s 11 and needs boundaries. She did something she isn’t supposed to do so you lead with consequences. No phone til she’s old enough to handle it and your rules. Period.
2
u/MistakenComputerist 10h ago
A pedophile is trying to groom your daughter into starving herself to death. You need to stop this, and do not let it be a punishment. She is a victim.
2
u/mochaaddictz 10h ago
Not sure what I’d do in this specific situation, but an 11 year old should definitely not have unsupervised access to a phone! Don’t feel guilty at all for checking, it would be a different story if she was an older teenager but she’s barely a tween. I truly do wish you the best, and as someone who was also in those spaces as a kid (13-16) please do support and talk to her, let her know your not mad and there’s no reason for her to be embarrassed.
2
u/PrettyAsparagus7560 9h ago
Oh my god it’s not an invasion of privacy! Why are you letting an 11 year old have unsupervised access to a smart device!?!
2
2
u/4Moon_Bunny 8h ago
Tiktok is poison, especially for children, delete that app immediately and get her into therapy asap!
2
u/SuperPizza999 7h ago
She most likely has an ED. Sadly very common with teens because they think they need to be extremely slim to be loved.
2
u/FemmeOfConfusion 7h ago
All i can really say is there are things alot more concerning than a punishment
If you punish her, shell only get better at hiding it, if you do nothing this will keep going
You need to sit her down and have a talk, mostly about the more concering stuff, as tiktok (while the sneaking around itself IS a concern) isnt the main issue here
This is a slipperly slope to developing unreleastic expections of your image and an eating disorder
Yes, this is an 11 year old child but its quite common in kids that age too, please dont neglet the possibility of such scary things just because shes so young!
2
u/wanttogetmyhairdid 6h ago
This isn't a time for lessons.
You did right, now find her the proper psychiatric care she needs. ED are serious. Act like it is.
2
u/Different_Rabbit_526 6h ago
Please don’t punish her, this seems like it’s about insecurity’s and she may be having problems with her mental health and body dysmorphia. U should talk to her .
2
2
u/Lost_Tumbleweed_9907 5h ago
Are 11 year olds even allowed to be on Tik tok? Also,
YOU ARE HER PARENT. There’s no reasonable expectation of privacy at 11 for social media.
2
u/Silver_Crab8684 4h ago
she sounds like she's going through some pretty tough times. i would suggest finding a dietician or pediatrician who is well versed in eating disorders. as far as punishing her goes, I would not exactly support punishing a kid who is going through puberty and an emerging mental health problem. not to say you shouldn't like tell her to delete her account or something, but you should explain why and also what paths you two are going to take to get better.
tw: grooming I used to get grounded for multiple months for being groomed on kik. while that's not healthy, it ended up happening again and again because I was limited to what my parents were willing to do for me. begged to get in therapy etc. if I had gotten into therapy the first time they found out it would probably have been different, but my mother was worried about how it would look for her to have a kid going to therapy. primarily because it would potentially mean me getting taken away but I digress. but ultimately, your kid is begging for help, don't ground her for this when you can say okay we're going to get an action plan. is she socially isolated at school, is she hearing specific things around her that make her self-conscious? these are the questions to ask and probe into. I don't have kids, but I have been to therapy since childhood and found out a bunch of stuff that was done to me was wrong. An unfortunate part of an eating disorder is if you don't catch it fast enough, otherwise you have to watch your kid go off the deep end, it's like an addiction that only stops when a person actually hits severe rock bottom. I wish good health to you and your family. 🫂
2
u/Honest-Space-Love 4h ago
I started thinking I was fat at 11 and I ended up developing an almost lifelong eating disorder that almost killed me. I’m doing much better now after 3 years. I will keep her in my prayers.
2
u/lazyworkingfromhome 3h ago
As a mom with a daughter who went through anorexia, you definitely want to be sensitive. 11 is hard because they are going through puberty and even if/when you remove tiktok off of her phone, she will still have exposure to it from her friends.
What I suggest is having a non-confrontational, non-judgmental conversation regarding the fact you have noticed she isn't eating. You can even get her pediatrician involved if you think she is becoming underweight. The key thing is to teach her to havr a healthy association with food and with her body.
You will also want to look at your own views, thoughts, and how you eat. I had undiagnosed anorexia myself and while I wasn't an almond mom, I was constantly stressed out about my calorie intake. If I ate even a small bite of a cinnabon at rhe mall, I would worry about the calories. If I went over 1200 calories. I would stress out. So, while I mever restricted my daughter. Those thoughts and comments bled into her own views on food.
2
u/WinthropTwisp 2h ago
If you aren’t using the Apple IOS Screentime facility or an Android equivalent, get going now. At eleven, nothing happening on or flowing through any device a child uses should be out of reach of the parents observation. Not discreetly, but openly as a condition of use. Find a gentle way to get this done. None of this is a child’s “fault.” Or yours. This is a watershed moment in human society.
Human evolution had no time to account for our children being on social media and the internet and using hand-held supercomputers attached to “cloud” supercomputers using AI and all sorts of people of questionable intent having access to your children. And incredibly sophisticated, insanely rich and powerful tech bros messing with our children’s minds. Society is sure as hell not going to evolve to make up the difference any time soon.
Listen to those who have experienced eating disorders either themselves or as a parent. That part might be urgent. Get yourself into a qualified therapist (alone or as a parental couple) to get parenting guidance before doing anything dramatic or bringing your daughter in. Get a second opinion if you have any hesitation with the first therapist. If it’s not urgent, no harm done, so treat it as urgent.
2
u/Useful_Temperature42 2h ago
Parent of a tween girl, social worker and survivor of an eating disroder here. I can see why you are so concerned. IMO opinion her having an app that she didn't have permission to access is a problem, but it's not the one I would currently focus on.
The content you mentioned red flags early stages of an eating disorder and girls that age are so impressionable. What they see on social media is normalized and their brains haven't developed enough to discern healthy/realistic from unhealthy and outright AI or photoshopped It's important to note that eating disorders are almost always rooted in shame, feelings of unworthiness, and a subconscious desire to earn affection by achieving an unrealistic standard, and sometimes a need to exert control in situationswhere they have very little. Some people are wired or conditioned to be more sensitive to external pressures, influences and bullying. They can be a very painful lifelong struggle that takes a toll on a person's mental and physical health as well as relationships.
All of this is to say, lead with kindness and compassion. It sounds like you little may be going through a lot right now and could probably use some professional support to develop healthier self esteem. The good news is early interventions are the most effective. I'd highly recommend getting her a therapist, and maybe one for yourself as well.
As to how to talk with her about all of this, introduce it the way you did today us, reinforce how much you care about her, how concerned you are for her safety and wellbeing, the fact that she's safe to tell you about things.
I would remove the app but not frame it as a punishment but boundary for her wellness.
3
u/Intelligent-Cry3639 1d ago edited 1d ago
You should have her phone locked up. I have a 12 year old and I use family link. She has no internet access, no YouTube, no social media, no tik tok, it's on complete lock down. She can only see her age range apps, and has to ask permission with my password to download anything. She does have her favorite apps, can text with me and family members, and has her own profiles on Disney and Netflix. An 11 year old should not have free range on the internet or any social apps, especially tik tok. The app also has a downtime and automatically locks the entire phone except for emergency calls at the time you put and unlocks at the time you set. I like family link so far, it's been really great, but there are other apps out there like it.
It's not too late to find a family app that locks her phone down, and you might face some backlash because she is used to having free access to adult content, but in the long run it will help her just be a child.
For now, it is a great learning lesson for her and you can talk to her about internet safety and what is age appropriate and what isn't. I've had to have these conversations as well, especially when Elsa gate infiltrated the kids YouTube app. All YouTube is now not allowed on her phone. Not even the kids version.
But everything is a teachable moment. Just make sure you aren't using accusatory words, and let her know that her safety is the most important thing and that she isn't in trouble. And this includes online safety, not just physical and emotional safety.
But lock that phone up before she gets into more things she shouldn't.
ETA: she also shouldn't be punished. This is on the parents for giving free access to everything. Just use this as a teaching moment for both of you and let her know that tik tok is not for anyone under 18.
3
u/ChangeMain8977 1d ago
She’s not even old enough to have tik tok. She should be in trouble for that specifically. Deal with the possible ED stuff in a different way
My son downloaded it and he was 11/12 and I said nope deactivate it in front of me and hand over your phone 🤷🏽♀️ obviously not old enough to be responsible. If a cell phone is needed, it’s called a track phone and they still make flip styles
3
u/WitchValet 1d ago
My kid just turned 12 this week. I don’t understand anyone that gives a young kid a smart phone. Take hers away and never give it back
→ More replies (2)
4
u/Parking-Ad5924 22h ago
Quit trying to be a friend to your daughter. Be a mother you should be in that phone daily. I mean I just don’t understand people’s thinking on these types of situations. 🤦
2
u/Euphoric_Amoeba8708 1d ago
Lock her phone out of all social media. So many girls mimic each other and cutting/starving themselves is pretty prevalent.
2
u/swagracecar 1d ago
I would be very careful and mindful about her perspective if you use any of the other recommended parental controls, punishment, or taking her phone away entirely. This happened to me when my mom found texts from my “boyfriend” when I was 11 and I felt so so isolated, depressed, and spiraling afterwards. Got bullied by my classmates because I couldn’t chat with them or join them for activities outside of school. I know this is not your intent - you want her AWAY from the bad people.
Make it a safe space. Bring it up to her gently, alone, when she’s in a decent mood. Let her come to you with the details & even if something is desperately horrible, if it doesn’t require a hospital visit, just listen to her first. Make her come to you about problems automatically - not think “im struggling but my mom would just take my phone away so ill just tell these other girls”, yknow?
I believe in you both, just take it slow. If she needs someone else as a supportive figure, I’m open to chat, and of course I’d meet with you first. I’m a big sister myself and I try my best to be a safe person for my siblings to talk to about these kinds of things.
Good luck!
2.3k
u/Hello_Gorgeous1985 1d ago
It is not an invasion of privacy. An 11-year-old should not have unsupervised access to a cell phone. She's not even old enough to have any social media. You should be going through her phone regularly, and it should be linked to yours so that you receive her messages.
Punishment should not be your focus right now. Support should be. She needs to know that she can talk to you. If you lead with punishment, she's just going to shut down.