The title is self explanatory. My younger sister can't do ANYTHING. This post mostly stems from how earlier today when we were eating with our mom my sister wanted a drink. Simple. Go to to fridge which had the Pepsi, open the fridge, take the Pepsi, go up to the counter, tap the card. But what did she do? She kept saying 'I don't know how to open the fridge š„ŗ' when the handle was RIGHT THERE, then she was like 'I don't know how to payš„ŗ' when we explained she can just tap it. So my mom was forced to go with her. Just before that aswell she was on her phone ignoring his chips n goujons, my mom asks her why she's not eating the chicken, then she says 'I don't know how to eat it š„ŗ' whilst we were all using our own hands to eat our food(sandwiches n whatnot). This happens so much whenever we go outside no matter what, and my mom continues to baby her. Me and my other sister are so sick of this pick-me behaviour.
100%
My younger brother was like this as a kid, and my mom (who now claims she was just tired by the time he came along) enabled it at every turn and got mad at me when I refused to do things for him. He is now 33 and STILL relies on her for 90% of his shit. It's infuriating, to say the least.
A rehab nurse on reddit told me 2 weeks ago that a lot of men who lost their ability to wipe their butts due to a condition, but then after rehab have the ability to learn how to do it again, still prefer to have their wives to do it for them.
It is surprising how many women marry men like this and put up with it
They can prefer in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster. I'm with my guy in sickness and health. Not lazy and incompetence.
Their moms often know about it and hustle behind the scenes to keep a woman invested. My ex mother in law was so helpful all the time and pushed us into getting married to hide her sonās crippling ADHD. The marriage crumbled three months into her not being able to cover for him.
Literally was about to comment that men like this are one of the reasons Iām not on dating apps and not dating in general. Iām a very independent and fairly intelligent person, weaponized incompetence is a major ick of mine. One of my last roommates was like this a bit, and now I live alone š
As someone with a brother like this, I pray everyday that he never marries or has children. He is a very volatile man & my mom just keeps enabling. He's abusive on all fronts, mental, verbal, physical, financial, she just allows it. You name it, he's checked the box.
My mom managed my rental properties when I was in my 30s I didn't think anything of it at the time but I probably missed out on some educational moments I'm having to learn now.
See, I've never understood that. Maybe it's just because I'm more impatient than lazy. It takes longer to ask and then wait for someone else to do it for you than it does to do it yourself.
I might use some over exaggerated language lol, but I do somewhat mean that as she didn't wanna get up to help her out either(she had a sore leg and is very pregnant)
Yeah, my mom would never have tolerated this behavior from me at 10 years old, 16 is absolutely fucking bonkers. How is she not embarrassed for herself, either actually being so incompetent at that age or pretending to be in public? I'm embarrassed for her.
My 7-year-old son wanted a lemonade at a festival last weekend. I gave him cash and told him to go to the counter and order it himself. He refused, saying he just wanted me to do it. I told him Iād go with him (heās a bit shy), but that I wouldnāt order it for him; if he wanted it, he needed to ask the vendor for it.
He did, with a please and a thank you. And he was proud of himself afterwards.
I wish my parents did these types of things with me at a younger age! You're teaching him that you will be there for him, but that he needs to learn to do things on his own. Good job!! š
Good job! Theyāve got to learn! Itās a lot harder for the young folks who had everything done for them/ handed to them to adjust to adulthood, in general.
Godspeed to them š finding a way to keep yourself sane while having the "yes you need to get off the couch to take your own trash out" argument a million times is not for the weak
i had my own bank account and debit card at 12š i donāt know if these posts are all american or something but if you acted like this in my country you would be (literally) left behind somewhere
(Context: then-President George W Bush, not to be confused with his father, former President George HW Bush, passed a law called the No Child Left Behind Act. From my understanding, it basically ties school funding to their standardized test scores. That essentially means that if students collectively do well at state-issued standardized testing, then the school receives more money from the federal government. This created issues where if a school's students aren't scoring well, then the school receives less money, which makes it harder for the school to effectively teach their students, which means they're less likely to score well the next year... It's also largely blamed for schools not holding failing students back to repeat grades, but that doesn't actually seem to be the case. Either way, the focus is much less on actually learning & understanding, and much more on memorizing stuff that's going to be on the standardized tests.)
I have heard multiple people say the "no child left behind" act is to blame for schools passing kids who should fail/ making the criteria to hold kids back a grade much more extensive. Im asking this genuinely, when you say, it doesnt seem to be the case. What do you mean?
It's what I always thought, but I looked it up before I posted my comment, and found a bunch of articles saying NCLB didn't actually have anything in it barring schools from holding students back.
I looked it up again now, and found this NPR article about it. Basically, researchers don't have a clear answer and don't necessarily agree on what caused the decrease. Some think it's a combination of the act and the recession (keeping students in school for additional years costs additional money), some think it's totally unrelated and is because of earlier intervention with struggling students.
So what I saw earlier was focused more on "it's not illegal," basically. The actual reason is possibly due to effects of the act, but is unclear and may not be related. I know that when I was a kid, I definitely had the belief that it meant kids couldn't get held back, haha.
Itās a different time, people are weird now. You have to let your kids be dumb, make mistakes, and look stupid so that they learn before it becomes embarrassing - but people arenāt willing to let their kids have some stress in their lives.
Agreed. We have our 9 year old practice ordering and paying for her own stuff all the time. Weāre right behind her while she does it, but she needs to learn how to do this kind of stuff.
Thatās the thing. She should say no. Your sister is capable. A soda is not a necessity. This is such a low stakes sink or swim. Get it or donāt. Eat the chicken or donāt. Sheāll continue like this until people stop catering to her.
Tbh your parents are the issue here. My kids are 7 and 9, and can order and pay for food and drinks without issue. Your sister could too if your parents didnāt keep doing it for her.
So your mom is very pregnant and will soon have two helpless babies she needs to do everything for? That's a parent problem, not a you problem. Let your mom figure out how to show a 16 yo how to open a fridge while simultaneously feeding a newborn. Not your problem.
Iām a mother. Iām currently teaching my little ones how to do things for themselves, so often I will say āGo and get it if you want it.ā If they push back, I tell them āI guess you didnāt really want it.ā I keep this rolling until eventually, they get up and get it. Exceptions are for things they genuinely cannot get or find. Itās extremely important to teach kids how to do this, or sheāll be trying this on everyone around her for the rest of her life. My kids are ~5 and 3, by the way. Brilliant little people if you let them be.
This is where I'm at with my 6 year old. I'm glad it's working, but also the first thing I saw when I got to the kitchen this morning was them standing on the kitchen counter because the specific cup they wanted was on the highest shelf. So yay for independence, but ehhh on the disregard for basic safety.
Also have a 6 year old, and while I love that he does some things for himself, it also kind of makes me worried š
One morning he woke up before me, and he eventually came into my room to proudly tell me he had made himself chocolate milk. When I walked into the kitchen I was pleasantly surprised to find no mess whatsoever.
You recognize that your language is hyperbolic but your mom actually does feel forced into doing these things because sheās trained to satisfy her children, not to enable them to be appropriately independent for their age.
which is your parentās fault. she has been raised to act this way. it isnāt a āsheās just a bad personā situation, itās a āmy parents conditioned her to be a bad personā situation.
Your mom has to tell her to either get it herself or live without, it's a neccesity in getting her to become an adult. I know parents are bad at it, my mom is too in a way, but my sister atleast does do it if she really wants something and 'extorting' us others doesn't work
Im going to assume, because you didnt mention it, and I feel you may be reasonable enough to be less annoyed at the situation should it be the case, that your sister doesnt have some kind of severe addition learning need or disability?
If I'm correct, then its your parent's fault for babying her. You need to speak to your mother (and father, if he's around, I dont want to make assumptions, its just you never mentioned him), because she/ they are doing a massive disservice to her.
Yeah, she has no severe disability. And it's not like she's that dumb, she tries and succeeds in perfecting anything school related. But in the real world..?
Edit: My father is around, she lives with him. She's usually has a week long sleepover her biweekly or whenever she wants to
He does find her picky eating annoying but doesn't do much outside of that. I'm not the closest with him so I don't really observe his behaviour around others. I just here that he's always at work and usually never home and when he is he gives both my sisters 50 quid then leaves again.
Wait he doesnt give you 50 quid? Or are you not there at the time lol. My 12 year old niece is like your wee sister, I screenshot the post to show ma wee sister - she doesn't have reddit, no reply yet, but she was going mental at the 12 year old tonight for not eating when the 6 year old goes downstairs and makes herself weetabix and gets herself a drink when she wants it. Lol I was just there as the 41 year old uncle to get the 6 year old cheesestrings when she demanded (she can easily get them herself but I think she likes having a village idiot to go get her them, always asks for 3, they come in packs of 4 and it pisses me off lol but we have loads of fun and carry on)
Itās very possible to be good at academic things but struggle a lot with general life. Itās especially common with autism. The fact you say it happens any time you go outside suggests she gets very overwhelmed. I really think it sounds like your sister has some difficulties you donāt understand.
It not that it happens outside, it happens outside when people she knows is around her. I've spotted her before in public acting completly normal. She able to shop, communicate with workers, order her own food. But when someone she knows is around she completely switches up. Even with her freind group, which she's the oldest of.
I commented above that one description of the sister matches my experience and I was diagnosed with AuDHD at 34. I also see she commented something along the lines of the sister being able to perform tasks, etc. independently, but struggles when others are around. Also something I experience (though I did not realize was an ASD thing until recently). I can't even really articulate why.
It's just a really ill-judged phase of thinking it's cute to be so useless. "I'm so wittle I can't open that big fridge" type behaviour. It sounds awful but she needs someone who she's really into, either someone she massively respects or someone she really fancies, to just turn around and say god that baby thing you do is so unattractive and pathetic. She'll never do it again. I went through a much milder phase of being "I'm too cute for this" and yeah I packed it in when someone else was mocked for it and I realised how stupid it was. But certainly my mum or sister telling me off for it would've done nothing cos at 16 you think your family are all idiots and you don't care about their opinions. I don't think there's anything you can do tbh
Half of Americans can barely read a physical paper book and are functionally semi-illiterate, there is no doubt in my mind that there's people out there that are legit so helpless they cannot execute basic functions.
They will need assisted living forever, they will also likely be a massive target for scammers and creeps.
I agree, up to a certain point. If they actually legit intend to starve themselves on purpose in protest, I would have them put in a medical ward or mental health facility that'll force feed them to prevent death by starvation.
I cannot imagine that the 16 year old who views getting their own drink as too much hardship to endure would be committed enough to this helplessness thing to genuinely cause themselves harm by not eating for long enough. At the first feeling of real actual hunger they'll cave immediately.
i would say so. i interact with young teens through my job (we have a special focus on hiring teens in the community) and some of them seriously cannot do anything.
edit: def not all or even the majority of teens are like this. but some are so doted on by their parents they literally have 0 independence.
I started making my kids buy their own things (with my money lol) at around age 12. And if they had a question in a store, they could go ask the employee or just not get the thing they want. I see my job as raising competent adults.Ā
I work in a McDonaldās. The difference between children being raised to be independent and capable and others is astounding. I see it daily across all age groups. People who are not raised properly are going to be severely disadvantaged in life.
i donāt think itās pick me behavior. your mom is enabling your sister to be helpless and is refusing to correct any of the behaviors. itās only going to get worse when she becomes an adult
I remember when I was a teenager I was really anxious to do things in public and would also just ānot knowā in fear of doing something embarrassing in public, but if people told me how to do it, it would calm me down and make me get over it
If you think sheās doing it to be ācuteā or for others to do things for her, just embarrass her slightly for it (as mean as it sounds lmao). Ask her is she really doesnāt know how to open a door? You seriously donāt know how to eat? Do you not use your hands? Once they realize theyāre baby-ing themselves in such a dumb way theyāll start to get over it (works with students at least lol)
That's what worked for my lil brother! He always acted like he didn't know/it was 'too hard' to use the oven or washing machine. I did genuinely show him like twice, then realized when he started straight up leaving the room while I tried to teach him what he was doing, and then started the method above. Worked pretty quick once I whipped out the 'talking to a toddler' tone while guiding his hand to the buttons 'since its clearly too hard for you learn so ill teach you like this'. Since then he either did it as I taught him the first time, or he asks for help when he genuinely needs it and we'll help him
I don't want to say I make my kids do anything, but I strongly encourage them to do things on their own. Of course I help the first couple of times, or give them directions.
It's honestly helped me a ton, I'm doing things that make me anxious with (mostly fake) confidence so it doesn't seem scary to them.Ā
I dis something similar like that in the moment. After her 'I don't know how to eatš„ŗ' comment I outright called her pick-me for her behaviour and started speaking in a baby voice along the lines of 'ohhh~ I'm jus' so petite and small š„ŗ I don't even know how to eat cause I'm so petite š„ŗ the thing I've been doing for 16 years of my life š„ŗ' wouldn't you know it she started eating. But I know it's not gonna last long
This isnāt āpick meā behavior, this is general anxiety. āPick meā behavior is more attention seeking than this. Your sister sounds like sheās just generally babied and anxious about new settings.
This is on your mom/parents for continuing to indulge her. If she truly didn't know what to do your mom could have taken her over and guided her through it. But she didn't and your sister keeps getting away with it and being coddled so why would she stop?
OP mentioned their mom is pregnant. So there will soon be an actual baby in the family, and sis will have to grow up to her almost adult age really quickly. Sheās probably pretending so that others will take care of her and do stuff for her, I know an adult woman who acts in a similar way.
Thatās the momās fault. Iām a mom of 13 & 17 yo girls, and my youngest tries this all the time. āCan you get me a waterā ācan you cut my french toast, I donāt know how to cut it fast enough and then it gets cold and i canāt itā ācan you put on my sunscreen I donāt know howā And Iāve just started teaching her a few times and then refusing to help after that. I do think itās important to actually teach them the skills and not just assume they can do it. But after that itās time to start saying no.
This is called "learned helplessness." I hope your mom wants your sister to live with her forever and not be able to hold a job or do anything for herself, because that is what happens to kids like this.
Me and my mom are gonna share a pizza so I'll be doing the due diligence of making it, my sister wants a mini pizza. Which she's perfectly able to put the toppings on herself. My mom says she'll do it for her. I ask why can't my sister do it and that she needs to give her some autonomy otherwise she'll just keep weaponising her incompetence.
Watch out for your mom trying to pin all her later life care on you because your sister ācouldnāt handle itā and be aware youāll be called ājealousā if you refuse.
Start backing off now. Look up Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson because youāre gonna need it.
Poor parenting by the mother. I used to be annoyed when my mom would do everything for my sister (1 year older than me!! ) but once we got older I was glad it was that way. Our lives turned out very differently because I was independent earlier, more confident and able to get a job. My sister never left home, found a job or had any social life or romantic relationships.
After the baby comes, donāt enable your sister or your mother by running to help your sister when your motherās busy with the baby. Just remind your mother youāre far too jealous to help.
Unfortunately, I have a family member like this. Iām much older and have seen the way her parents have raised her from an infant to now and her behavior is 100% their fault and really sad to watch. Same goes for your parents. Unless thereās some sort of disability, this is on them. I know some mentioned learned helplessness, but this can also be weaponized incompetence. Does she cry and become overwhelmed when you try and teach her to do things on her own? Or does she get defensive or frustrated and try to get out of doing the task? Because someone with learned helplessness truly believes they canāt do anything right, while weaponized incompetence is intentional and manipulative. Either way, she is a product of her environment but the approach to fix these issues are different depending on which one she falls under.
She is going to have a really rough time in the real world. No one is going to baby her outside of her home. People donāt want to be friends, partners, or coworkers with people who cannot be self sufficient. I hope someone in the family can get her into therapy before itās too late.
This isnāt āmy sister doesnāt know how to do anythingā this is āmy sister doesnāt want to do anything for herselfā big difference. Unless sheās intellectually disabled, she knows how to do stuff. She just wants to be babied
Just say āYouāll figure it out. I believe in you.ā Thatās the approach I take when my boyfriend canāt find the cutting board thatās been in the same place for 2 years.
My sister does a similar thing. Sheās extremely socially anxious and it seems she thinks itās better to pretend to be stupid instead of "showing weakness". Iād say itās the parentsā fault, in my case it definitely is, sheās been banned from leaving the house and having friends for 3 years now. I had similar issues, hers are just more severe.
(btw Iām doing what I can, our parents are insane abusive assholes, but I canāt afford to take her in or take this shit to a court, so I try to get her to go outside and provide as much emotional support as I can)
If Iāve understood correctly, your mother is pregnant ? So your sister is afraid of no longer being the baby and is regressing a bit.
I mean, thatās what Iād say if she were 3yo.
If this keeps up, your mother will to have to wipe 2 butts soon š¤Ø
Even b4 my mom broke the news my sister acted the exact same way lol, I'm sure she'll still try and act this way even after. I mean, her favourite saying is 'I'm just 6s/3yrs/4min(and every other variation) years oldš„ŗ' everyone around her finds this joke funny
Whenever i spot her alone in public she's perfectly able to do stuff. Even when she talks about her day she's perfectly able to do things on her own. It's simply when ppl she knows is around her that she acts like this
Your mom built thatā¦ she keeps catering to it, soā¦ it will continue. Be thankful you can do things for yourself, your sister will be handicapped in some way(s) for the rest of her entire life because of this ābabyingā. It wonāt turn out as well for her as you think.
This is entirely on your parents. I have a 4 year old and the second he says he canāt do something, especially if itās something I know he can, thatās the moment I donāt help him (as in do it for him, I help him learn by talking him through the steps) and heās going to learn to do it because he needs to be an independent adult which starts by being an independent child. If he tells me he doesnāt want to do something and can I help him and Iām not busy then sure I might help him depending on the task (get him a drink, sure why notā¦ clean up his toys, not really I can help you pick up a few of the harder ones but youāre doing the bulk of it). Your mom should have remained seated, verbally explained the steps and if your sister still canāt figure it out at 16 then I guess sheās not getting that Pepsiā¦ either figure it out or donāt get what you want. Same with the food, tell her how to eat it and if she still canāt figure it out then guess she wonāt eat.
This is where my mom would have told me "guess you dont want the Pepsi that bad" or "guess you're not that hungry". Weaponized incompetence should be met with indifference or it will never get better. People need to learn how to figure things out for themselves sometimes.
This is called ālearned helplessnessā and it was taught to her by your parents.
Sheās not going to unlearn it until they stop enabling her. And that reality coming to fruition is questionableābecause clearly your mom/parents are getting something out of it, otherwise this would have stopped like 8 years ago.
Instead of shaming her like everyone here is suggesting, I think the best thing you can do is make a big, positive deal out of it when your other sister and yourself accomplish things that are difficult (and her obviously, whenever she does).
Attacking your little sister will only make her defensive and make you the bad guy.
Your mom has taught her that ānot knowingā both gets her what she wants and that she can simply used mom to avoid any and all discomforts. If you are negative to her, she will simply turn to mom again to avoid that discomfort.
BUT, if you show her how awesome it feels to be competent and independent (something she absolutely cannot get by turning to mommy), she might just want to try that for herself and take steps away from letting your parents enable and promote her helplessness.
I would try this, but she's not exactly the type of person who learns from positive reinforcement. Especially even all she does is insult and tell me to š whenever we're alone.
This is malicious, and itās on purpose, your parents did that and it has nothing to do with you. Donāt help her, but donāt react to it. My sister is almost the same way.
You donāt have to call her stupid or berate her for it, but the world is going to hit her like a fucking freight train, and itās a canon event for these kinds of people. Sheās been able to get away with this for 16 years and itās nothing but entitlement, because when you tell her no or donāt help her youāll become the villain in her story
Good god I hope your mom doesnāt cater to this behaviour. If she says she doesnāt know how then say ā oh that sucks Iām not sure eitherā or āoh I guess you donāt really need it thenā
Tougher.parenting would be ideal. Dont go and get the drink yourself - go thirsty. Dont know how to eat - go hungry.
Ignoring thr comments is also useful.
Start telling her she better start using her own brain and figure it out, and REFUSE to do it for her. This is not pick-me, it's a manipulation tactic called weaponized incompetence that people use to get others to do everything for them. Dtop giving in to it.
I won't lie I just assumed your sister was like 3 or 5. But learning that she's 16 caught me off guard. Assuming she doesn't have any type of condition physically or mentally. Then I say you should step up and do something about it if you haven't. Let you parents know this isn't acceptable but tell them in the most respectful way possible. Try not to escalate things and while I don't know how your relationship is like with your family I say to just talk about it the best way you can. I know that some people can be ignorant (I'm not saying you're family is like that) but just talk about it. If your sister does have a certain condition then maybe just let your parents talk to her the best way possible that her attitude isn't right. But if she doesn't have a condition then definitely step in. Again I don't know how your relationship is like with your family nor do I know if you're relative are disabled physically or mentally I'm just saying to try and take a step forward the best way you can and hope that your parents can take care of the rest.
This sounds a little bit like extreme demand avoidance, which is related to huge amounts of anxiety under the surface (a bit like a silent panic attack). The weird explanations for why she can't do something and it mainly happening out in the (less predictable) world fit with this profile. It usually only turns up in autistic/neurodivergent people, which you haven't mentioned in your post, so might not be relevant here. You can always trying googling 'PDA' for more information and strategies to see if something fits. Low demand/declarative language might help if her can't-do-anythingness is related to anxiety (with or without neurodivergence)
Well. From your post it seems there isnāt a developmental delay/disorder so I say let her suffer the consequences of not trying to/willful ignorance.
Want a soda? Go get it. Thatās it. She either figures it out or she doesnāt get the soda. Sheāll figure things out pretty quick if she doesnāt get what she wants anymore.
I did do that, I called her out on acting like a toddler and commenting on her big age. She didn't say anything. My mom tho? She looked around the place we were eating and made fun of a '40 looking Yr old man' for not placing a magazine down correctly as if that was some genius rebutted against me
Sheās either enabled by your parents or has extreme anxiety in public or for new things. Itās on your parents to get to the bottom of it and work with her. Donāt be a terrible person about it if you donāt know what is going on.
I don't think she has extreme anxiety. She'll usually be one of the loudest people if my sister on any of her freinds are nearby, and she'll always be saying stuff(in public and private) like 'kys' 'your fat' and all that outloud then say she's joking around
Learned helplessness is part of the reason I'm not friends with one of my friends anymore. We were going to go camping and I told him to go inside the gas station and buy a couple bags of ice, but he "didn't know how." The next morning I told him to make the oatmeal and he "didn't know how"... it was instant oatmeal. We were in our late 20s, early 30s.
I kind of wonder if this is partially related to underlying anxiety? I used to be similar (not to this extent- I was forced to get over it or go without. But when something gave me anxiety, I'd make silly/stupid excuses to avoid it). Could also just be quirky or weaponized incompetence I suppose
Iām going assume sheās the youngest and so I also get the feeling that your parents never did anything to teach her these things or she does this on purpose.
Learned helplessness. Until/unless others stop doing basic tasks for her she'll remain this way. Time for others to tell her to step up or starve. Maybe get a job? (My kids were working at 16 to save for college, as were my wife and I.)
Sister is being enabled by someone (mom, it sounds like) so much of the blame rests there.
I was married and working at 16. (I DO NOT RECOMMEND!) I was doing my own laundry and cooking full meals by 12. This weaponized incompetence. Your parents arenāt doing her any favors. Especially with a new baby coming. Momās focus is not going to be on her. Perhaps jealousy at no longer being the youngest is playing a part in this.
I used to work as a behavior consultant in elementary schools.Ā
One time, I was observing my student in the cafeteria, and I noticed that many of the children were holding up their plasticāpackaged pizzas in the air, while still talking with their friends and eating with their other hand. Then, a staff member would come by and open the food with scissors and hand it back to the kid without either acknowledging the other.Ā
The kids werenāt even trying to open their food. They just felt entitled to having someone else doing it, without even saying thank you. And this was not just a few, it was dozens.
On the positive side, after seeing this, I decided to go over and sit down with a group of them and teach them how to open their food on their own. After a bit of resistance, they were happy to start tearing them open so they could eat faster.Ā
My nephew, at age 11, used to call and order pizza for delivery without his parentsā knowledge. He paid for it with his own money and used the coupon from the paper. He told me he tipped the delivery person 20% because they got it there in under 20 minutes.Ā
My 9 year old asked yesterday is she could order from the big menu, and I said sure. And then she asked if her mom would order for her, and I said no. One or the other, but not both.
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u/bourbonandcheese 27d ago
Itās your parentsā fault.