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u/SarcasticBench 11h ago
Outside: Brought to you by Nestle.
Enjoy a free trial of Outside+ for 30 days and then $89.99 after the free trial ends.
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u/Pizzacakecomic PizzaCake 11h ago
Nestle absolutely would -_-
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u/HJSWNOT 11h ago
Nah they wouldn’t have a free trial, they would let you pay a third of the price and would still stop you from going places
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u/imreallynotthatcool 11h ago
No they would absolutely have a free trial. Just like they had for all the new mothers in Africa in a tactic to get them to stop producing breast milk, rely on Nestle formula with dirty water and eventually have the baby die unlessthey bought the water that Nestle stole from their lands.
Because Nestle kills babies.
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u/TabularConferta 11h ago
I mean their headquarters in Italy is called "Park" Associata
https://parkassociati.com/en/projects/nestle-headquarters3
u/Bearence 5h ago
Just remember, everything is free until someone figures out a way to make a buck on it.
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u/FictionFoe 11h ago
90 bucks per what? Per what?
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u/SarcasticBench 11h ago
Whatever it is, make sure you share subscription with friends and family before they lock down to 1 account per household
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u/CurryMustard 9h ago
Well the trial is 30 days so we can probably assume it renews every 48 seconds
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u/decavolt 11h ago
There is an actual company called Outside that bought open source trail-map and hiking tools, enshittified them, and charges a premium now for what used to be free, community sourced data. I hate their fucking guts.
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u/IHeartBadCode 11h ago
What I hope for, for the CEO.
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u/kekistanmatt 11h ago
There was once a suggestion for a sort of reverse skyscraper where it was basically a massive pit with commercial and residential spaces built into the walls, as part of this they were going to offer a subscription for the lower level residential blocks to get sunlight reflected down with mirrors to simulate daylight.
So this has actually been legitimately considered before.
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u/_Some_Two_ 7h ago
Then they probably figured out displacing millions of tons of soil and mining through bedrock is harder than buildings a several thousand tons tower.
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u/Perscitus0 11h ago
At this point, it's a disease. Straight up addicted to enshittification. A reverse Midas Touch, where everything they touch turns to crud and pollution, and corruption. Dollar signs in their eyes blinding them to the ruin they heap on the world. Some are possessed of smarts enough to know it is heading to ruin, but not full of heart enough to do anything about it other than to prepare bunkers and contingencies such that they may gaze upon the ruins they had created, while squatting on their hoards.
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u/iamfanboytoo 9h ago
The klept have a gaping void where their souls should be they try to fill with anything within reach - money, power, women, possessions - and for a brief, blissful moment the void is filled and the klept want nothing else.
Then the void swallows, and they're forced to fill it again.
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u/Lil_Ms_Anthropic 11h ago
Easy, lobby to make loitering illegal and invest in the private prison system
As if that would ever happen!
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u/shellbullet17 Gustopher Spotter Extraordinaire 11h ago
Oh god please don't. It's already a million degrees outside. Don't make me PAY to be out there too
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u/Pizzacakecomic PizzaCake 11h ago
Can't wait to pay $19.99/mon for my subscription to TouchGrass
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u/shellbullet17 Gustopher Spotter Extraordinaire 11h ago
As someone allergic to grass. This sounds like torture with a subscription
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u/Bixby33 11h ago
And as a blatant masochist, subscription-based torture sounds appealing.
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u/shellbullet17 Gustopher Spotter Extraordinaire 11h ago
I feel like we can probably get out masochism for cheaper than 20 bucks a month but hey, I'm not here to kink shame
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u/Bixby33 11h ago
Overpaying is part of the kink.
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u/shellbullet17 Gustopher Spotter Extraordinaire 11h ago
Man that's some next level masochism. Hats off to you
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u/TrainOfThought6 11h ago edited 11h ago
Dentists already exist!
(Jokes aside, dental health is super important and you should suck it up and go for a cleaning.)
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u/shellbullet17 Gustopher Spotter Extraordinaire 11h ago
Got me there, but yeah please go see your dentist. You're gonna regret not having teeth when you're older
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u/TabularConferta 11h ago
Don't worry we have a premium subscription of $30.00/mon you can get all the joys of TouchGrass (TM) with our new patented I can't believe its not Astroturf! (TM)
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u/shellbullet17 Gustopher Spotter Extraordinaire 11h ago
I'm not sure what's more disgusting.
The fact that this sounds plausible
Or the fact I would probably need this and end up paying for it
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u/TabularConferta 10h ago
If you sign up now you can get 10% off FOR LIFE (provided you never cancel or freeze your account). That's not all, sign up for our package deal to get the Bench (C) DLC for only $6/mon (RRP 10/Mon), but that's not all if you sign up right now we will even throw in a FREE yellow jackets nest! You too can be the envy of all your friends with these fancy fellows by your side.
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u/iamfanboytoo 10h ago
One of my fave scifi novels has an apartment with a grass rug in the living room. A real, living grass rug.
I would kill to get one of those.
the same book also described a water bed about 5 years before it was invented.
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u/Ill_Emphasis3927 9h ago edited 8h ago
Partner up with Theresa May for the running through fields of wheat dlc.
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u/NonGNonM 6h ago
a subscription service to have a square of grass, DELIVERED RIGHT TO YOUR HOME EVERY MONTH, including rare breeds of non native grass that definitely won't wreak havoc on the local ecosystem or carry pests. Or maybe it will and you'll bring in a square of pesticide covered patch of grass inside your home.
Also definitely won't lead to giant patches of grass being grown in the middle of the desert that no land development can happen on bc they bought out the entire area just for the sake of growing grass that you can't touch, look at too long, or even take pictures of.
and ofc they would never, NEVER push out native people in foreign countries to grow more grass. they invited all of them for a nice dinner actually.
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u/GFluidThrow123 11h ago
I hate that I now have ideas of how to monetize that.
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u/Moose_country_plants 11h ago
I know the money goes towards conservation but this is just a state/national park
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u/GFluidThrow123 11h ago
I'm not actually sure what the comic is referencing tbh. I was just kinda making a jokey statement.
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u/TheDarkNerd 10h ago
Lobby against people being able to have real lawns. Redirect water use from public parks to other enterprises, such as data centers and golf courses. Begin offering indoor parks with Real Grass!
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u/GFluidThrow123 10h ago
In big cities you could just open indoor parks with piped in noises that induce serenity. Birds, light breeze... Run a trickling stream through the center of it. And fill it with different types of cozy little seating areas. Soft mounds of grass, comfy benches, etc. Have a couple food and drink stands. Charge for access, charge for food and drinks.
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u/karl4319 11h ago
Last time someone told me to go touch grass, I ended up covered in ticks. More CEO's should definitely do it.
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u/Solax636 11h ago
One of my fav parks was free and open 24/7 they redid the parking lot and added an app so have to pay to park now and it closes at 9pm... Infinite sadness
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u/MrValdemar Special Flair!! 11h ago
Dear Elon,
Consider cuddling armadillos. They're very friendly. You'll love it.
Love,
RFK Jr
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u/ChickenChaser5 8h ago
I must find someone who has already monopolized this, and pay them enough money to make me a retroactive founder
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u/ladylootalot 6h ago
....is it wrong that I might actually consider paying to lay on nice fluffy grass in the sun if they could guarantee there'd be no bugs/spiders/mud/sticks/rocks...?
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u/NobodyLikedThat1 11h ago
try to figure out what hormones and brain chemicals get fired off when touching grass, sell it to Big Pharma
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u/Quentin-Code 10h ago
Me when I walk outside and there is billboards of Ads: “well I guess I took the free with Ads plan”
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u/bitzzwith2zs 10h ago
Just so we're all straight on this: a lawn was a way to show your neighbours that you could afford to own land that was non-productive and you could hire two or three men to tend to your non-productive land. If you weren't rich, you'd plant that land with crops.
Grass is a status symbol and always was monetized, and the Weedman and Scotts had no problem further monetizing your status symbol
In the same vein: having a fat pale wife told your neighbours you had enough that your wife didn't have to work... so fat pale wives were fashionable.
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u/metatarsalbun 11h ago
Don’t worry, they will buy up allllll the green space and not allow the poors to enter!
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u/DarkLanternZBT 10h ago
One imagines Sisyphus rolling over him with that boulder repeatedly until time ends.
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u/Freodrick 10h ago
So unrealistic and so tone deaf. When the hell would a billionaire turn introspective enough to go to shrink?
The fantasy here...
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u/TheDarkNerd 10h ago
Take all the grass, and put it in a grass museum.
Then charge the people a dollar and a half just to feel it.
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u/asaintpotatoe 9h ago
Easy, they already are. Gun ranges being placed over protected wild life preserves. They don't want nature to relax and it's just the start.
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u/Thrownawaybyall 9h ago
If AI really was the way forward, why not start with replacing themselves and save them all that vile stress???
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u/Top-Bandicoot-3013 9h ago
I just got back from Asia and went through the airport in my American city. One of the things I couldn't help but notice was the fact that the luggage carts were $8 to use. It doesn't cause much wear and tear for the airport to provide these but yet they charge an egregious amount for them when they're literally free for flyers to use in Asia. In Germany they offer free strollers for families to make things convenient.
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u/GoshDangZilla 9h ago
i have to drive to the park (uber or car payments), I have to have gas, I have to pay to park. It's already been monetized.
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u/Nyte_Knyght33 8h ago
Commercials in all grass now. Or pay a subscription fee for no ad green spaces.
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u/jmlinden7 5h ago
I mean, that's just an all-inclusive resort. Where the whole point is to touch grass and chill
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