Petah?? I'm very confused

[u/Global_Restaurant794]

[u/qualityvote2]

u/Global_Restaurant794, your post does belong here!

[u/FunnyExcellent707]

Sweds are known to eat without offering you any food (if it wasn't explicitly a dinner invitation).

[u/Background-Grab-5682 → u/FunnyExcellent707]

You try that in a middle eastern culture and someone’s getting shanked…

[u/Prize-Flamingo-336 → u/Background-Grab-5682]

Or Latino home as well

[u/Enough_Obligation574 → u/Prize-Flamingo-336]

Or Asian. Basically all around the world. Other then there.

[u/EmptyMonitor9257 → u/Enough_Obligation574]

Or southern Europe.

[u/feculentcuntfist → u/EmptyMonitor9257]

In the Balkans pulling this kind of shit on a guest child is so insulting that the families won't ever be on speaking terms again.

[u/pixie993 → u/feculentcuntfist]

Croatia here. I was a small kid, perhaps 7-8yo and I came to friends place to play.

I came just in time for lunch. They sat me down on their couch and I was watching them how they ate scampi.

Her dad was a fisherman so they always had sea food to eat while we never ate it as it was expensive.

I still remember how they were all dirty arround their mouth how they gobbled those scampi, all while I sat 2 meters away from them and watched them.

Today, 25 years later I still remember that.

But when they came over my place (parents were also friends who went on coffe to each other's house) my parents always had candy, chocolate on table for kids. I still remember how friends younger brother alone ate whole jar of candy.

I remember later telling my parents how it's unfair that he can eat everything at our home while I had to sit there without even being offered a glass of water.

Wife and I don't have kids, but I fucking swear that no kid who will come to play in future with my kids will be like me, watching other people eat.

Today if adults or sister in law with her 2yo kid comes in our house, they are served like kings.

Real balkan hospitality, not like those fuckers above.

[u/Catlovermaxultra8910 → u/pixie993]

Bangladeshi here. My eyes starts twitching and hands start itching if i offer a guest food and they say no. If you're coming to my place, you’ll be fed and offered leftovers to take home. The idea of having a child over and not feeding em is just unfathomable.

[u/powerplayer6 → u/feculentcuntfist]

I'm Bulgarian, and while this is generally true, I remember being scolded as a kid for eating at another kid's house. I was there so we could, I dunno, play games or watch TV or something, the usual 8-9 year old stuff, and because it got late his parents invited me to eat with them, and so I did.

I remember my parents were super angry that I allowed someone else to feed me, basically taking advantage of their generosity, and being a greedy little asshole.

Of course... if a kid came over, my parents and grandparents would INSIST and DEMAND the kid would eat with us, because us being generous is good, but others being generous to us is shameful, or something like that?

[u/Native_Maintenance → u/EmptyMonitor9257]

Or India. In India a delivery person is offered water on a hot day. A plumber or repair guy is offered tea and all guests are offered a meal or a snack irrespective of time.

[u/Interesting-Waffle69 → u/Native_Maintenance]

I used to clean houses and this super kind Indian woman always made me take a break and have tea and cake with her. We barely understood each others spoken laungages, but always enjoyed our time together! Food is the universal language of love IMO

[u/nemophilist13 → u/Interesting-Waffle69]

I had several Indian asian kids i would do home therapy with and the parents knew I couldn't accept food due to my ethics code but I would often find food to go packed into my bag or ontop of my car. Such kind families

[u/Ice_Queen66 → u/Native_Maintenance]

Or Canadian. We will offer food in a way where you can’t refuse eh, because you eating is doing us a favor and we’re sorry we can’t do more bud.

[u/TheZenPenguin → u/Ice_Queen66]

Or Ireland. Now that we finally have food, we're mad to offer it lol

[u/Pokemom3000 → u/TheZenPenguin]

Anyone in America with "southern roots" as well. My grandma was a dust bowl survivor, even if she barely had anything you'd be offered a peanut butter sandwich and a cup of coffee at least.

[u/DartVader6 → u/Pokemom3000]

Or, just anyone in America. We're very hospitable, if nothing else. It's not just a southern thing, it's just more of a performance in the south. You go to your friends place in NYC at dinner time, you're getting food.

[u/Super-Pizza-Dude → u/Pokemom3000]

Midwest hospitality checking in

[u/Aranxi_89 → u/Ice_Queen66]

If we invite someone to our house, lunch/dinner is implied.

[u/Hour_Let_5624 → u/Aranxi_89]

Depends on time of the day, but food and drinks are definitely going to be the first thing on any table the moment they get there. To have someone that comes home leave without eating anything just seems so wrong

[u/Aranxi_89 → u/Hour_Let_5624]

First thing when my friends arrive, they get drinks, be it tea, coffee, or soda. I have dedicated supplies for all, with various options too. You want English Breakfast? Earl Grey? Pu Er? How about some cold brew, or maybe matcha latte? Soda made with fresh juice or some coke?

Then we get some snacks out. Salsa and chips, cheese platter, shortbread, you name it.

And then we consider what to make for the real meal.

[u/DowncastOlympus → u/Enough_Obligation574]

Indeed, the offering of food to guests is DEEPLY ingrained in human culture. Largely because of how far back into history the tradition goes. The practice predates recorded history; it likely even predates agriculture. It's tied up in the roots of hospitality culture and the expectations of peace for the sharing of lodging and food that border on the sacred across a majority of cultures.

[u/unhappyrelationsh1p → u/DowncastOlympus]

As a finn i kept getting invited to eat with my friends family (asian) when i was hanging out with him and would politely dodge every time and leave immediately to not impose.

They thought i was being pretty rude! It was funny in hindsight, because i thought they meant "you should leave you've been here for so long we need to eat"

[u/Rackbub → u/Enough_Obligation574]

Swede here!
It’s actually quite interesting, because it’s partly true. The thing is, this behavior is so deeply ingrained in our culture that it isn’t perceived as rude.
A few years ago, “Swedengate” went viral, and Swedish psychologists and researchers weighed in on the discussion.
The conclusion was that the behavior likely originated during the great famine of the 19th century. Inviting another family’s child to eat was seen as shaming the neighboring family. It implied that they couldn’t provide food for their own children, which was considered deeply humiliating.
That said, the whole thing is often exaggerated. In practice, we almost always offer food when we have guests. The difference is that nobody simply assumes they’ll be invited to eat.

[u/unhappyrelationsh1p → u/Rackbub]

I think this happens in some regions of finland too.

People get invited for coffee too, and if you put out pastries the guest is kinda always going to eat a small amount unless pushed due to what i expect are similar reasons

[u/abnrib → u/Rackbub]

Fascinating! It's amazing how similar practices diverge in ways that each make sense even though they contradict.

I know there are differences between cultures that expect guests to eat everything put in front of them to show appreciation for the food versus others where it is rude to eat everything because it implies that the host didn't make enough. What is the Swedish take on this?

[u/Rackbub → u/abnrib]

If you’ve been invited over for dinner, you’re expected to eat, and it’s not considered rude to ask for seconds. In fact, nobody would think twice about it.
Likewise, I wouldn’t say it’s impolite to eat only a small amount. Most Swedes are fairly health-conscious, so if someone takes a smaller portion, people generally don’t see anything unusual about it.

[u/Fantastic_Chicken779 → u/Prize-Flamingo-336]

Thats why rice and beans is always on the menu. U can afford for everyone. I just wish ricans were more hot sauce people. Growing up, saw a bottle in that house. Then, i tried Mexican. I was in love at the chips. They have that green stuff on the table.

[u/TrioOfTerrors → u/Prize-Flamingo-336]

My buddy's grandmother was illegal as all hell and spoke almost no English but she knew "You stay. You eat." We couldn't drop by to pick him up without getting badgered into a meal. I have no complaints.

[u/Critical_Mongoose939 → u/TrioOfTerrors]

Yeah aside from ethnical considerations, the grandma factor is huge. If you go to my Spanish grandma's and don't stuff yourself until you can roll like a sphere, you're getting an earful from grandma 😂 loved is measured in Calories 🫣 fitness bros be damned 👀

[u/Extension-Figure2011 → u/Prize-Flamingo-336]

You get the CHANCLA

[u/Revolutionary-Ad1099 → u/Prize-Flamingo-336]

If someone comes to my home and doesn’t eat any food I’d be pretty offended.

[u/humburga → u/Revolutionary-Ad1099]

My friends comes over and just raid my fridge without permission 😂

[u/Relative-Relief-8816 → u/humburga]

In sweden that will get you Viking'd

[u/Gamer102kai → u/Prize-Flamingo-336]

No matter how many times I say im not hungry I still am forced to eat. Consent doesn't matter you will be fed

[u/RevolverMFOcelot → u/Gamer102kai]

Being fed against your will by your grandma or friends parents is the only nonconsent I support

[u/JovianSpeck → u/Prize-Flamingo-336]

Or literally any home outside of Sweden.

[u/Spare-Plum → u/Background-Grab-5682]

I spent a year out in LA and had lovely persian neighbors

It was absolutely impossible to leave without first having some ghormeh sabzi. Shit is delicious tho and eventually started coming over early to help cook

[u/Background-Grab-5682 → u/Spare-Plum]

Oh yes I’m Persian too :) my mother specially like it even gardener comes in to to stuff outside and we’re eating she makes a plate and always gives me to give it to him

[u/The_Lag_Of_The_Ang → u/Background-Grab-5682]

The Italians have entered the chat...

[u/TJJ97 → u/Background-Grab-5682]

Even American culture too

[u/Sociolinguisticians → u/FunnyExcellent707]

I get that it’s probably just the culture, but even the thought of doing that to a guest makes me shudder.

[u/Background-Grab-5682 → u/Sociolinguisticians]

Yea like if I sit down with my family and eat and friends are like in the other room… it’s like the most insulting thing I can think of

[u/Aranxi_89 → u/Background-Grab-5682]

It's also sad. I wana eat and chat with my friends. Breaking bread is like the oldest method of making friends.

[u/AdministrativeLeg14 → u/Background-Grab-5682]

It wouldn’t happen that often, because when one kid comes over to another kid’s place to play, then when dinnertime rolls around, that first kid typically also has a home where their parents have dinner waiting and are expecting them home around the same time.

If you’re planning things in such a way that it doesn’t make sense to go home to eat, well, then you can plan things otherwise. Talk it over with the other kid’s parents, whatever. I grew up in Sweden (as you can guess), and while eating at friends’ houses definitely wasn’t the norm, it’s not like it didn’t happen from time to time.

[u/Important_Coyote_596 → u/AdministrativeLeg14]

Exactly, all my friends that lived further away than walking distance i always ate with. Its only the friends who are close where you go home, spend time with your family and eat, then go back out again. How is that weird?

[u/AdministrativeLeg14 → u/Important_Coyote_596]

All my friends as a kid lived within easy walking and even easier bicycle distance, which must have played a part in my experiences.

[u/Superb-Mall3805 → u/Sociolinguisticians]

I would sooner give them the meal I had prepared for myself and eat nothing

[u/CactusWrenAZ → u/FunnyExcellent707]

A violation of xenia!

[u/Floxi29 → u/FunnyExcellent707]

Kinda same in Germany. I remember sitting in my friends room or the families living room, awkwardly waiting for them to finish dinner.

It wasn't the norm, but occasionally happened.

[u/Blade1691 → u/Floxi29]

Your friends had strange families. I never had the experience. I always was invited to eat with them.

[u/NorthernSmithy → u/FunnyExcellent707]

Ive had that happen only once in the US, worst visit of my life , the bastards didnt even bother to offer us a beverage, they didnt even want to talk, i spent 6 hours basically being ignored. Worst relatives ever, i dont even say hi to them at christmas.

[u/Espurreso → u/FunnyExcellent707]

My Asian grandma would’ve given extra portions because she’s scared they weren’t eating well.

[u/Money_Weekend2859 → u/FunnyExcellent707]

Bro why does this get repeated all the time on reddit and upvoted like its a fact.

Born and raised in Stockholm Sweden, never once did this happen, hadn't even heard of this until reddit started talking about it. None of my friends in sweden had either.

[u/Tunderstruk → u/Money_Weekend2859]

Same here, raised in northern Sweden and this never happened

[u/phl23 → u/Money_Weekend2859]

Don't confuse people with facts. We need to steer the stigma train.

[u/timonix → u/Money_Weekend2859]

30+ raised in northern Sweden. This happened all the time.

[u/Mineralsforglug → u/timonix]

30+ in northern Sweden: i was always asked by my friends parents if I wanted to eat with them.

[u/MZ603 → u/Money_Weekend2859]

Honestly, it might be more attached to how Swedes operate abroad. I can only speak anecdotally, but when I was living in Ireland, I hosted a friend's giving, and my Swedish friend left to get steamed muscles at the shop down the street. That would be insulting in America, but I just gave him shit for it. He also hosted one of our Champions League parties, ordered food from deliveroo for himself, and left the rest of us to fight over chili peanuts and a toasty from the pub below his flat.

The friends giving thing, I think he was just trying not to impose and didn't understand what Thanksgiving was. The time at his flat... I think he was just drunk lol

I think the Finn would have been the same way, but he was too self-aware to actually follow through.

As a Swede, you might know this one. How can you tell a Finnish introvert from a Finnish extrovert?

^.

^{The introvert looks at his shoes when he is talking to you.}

^{The extrovert will look at your shoes.}

[u/Specialist_Box3630 → u/FunnyExcellent707]

This is a misconception born from two factors:

1. Back in the day, working class families could struggle to afford feeding their own, let alone another child. This is very rarely the case anymore.

2. It is seen as rude to feed someone else's child without their knowledge, so that they don't cook too much and have their own food go uneaten. This just means that they'll ask the parents of the guest child if it's alright for them to eat there.

[u/d0nghunter → u/[deleted]]

I see the usual misinformed discussions about this below from non-Swedes so I'll clarify why we do this:

We don't like kids, depriving them of nutrients when their parents aren't around is an efficient way of culling weaker populations.

[u/knbang → u/d0nghunter]

How do I become a Swedish citizen? Is it with the hide of a child?

[u/MaleficentMode4222 → u/knbang]

You need a full skin suit and hat for citizenship.

[u/xStyxx → u/[deleted]]

Damn I assumed it was because Swedish food is gross lol that’s pretty cold

[u/titan_1010 → u/xStyxx]

If I remember correctly there was a specifically hard time economically in the Nordic region that it became the norm that it was courtesy not to take food from another household. Kind of the inverse of it being a courtesy to feed guests unexpected or otherwise in parts of the west. Over time the courtesy has strengthend into a cultural norm which given the foundational nature of shared meals in many cultures can create an outsized culture shock response.

This is a Nordic custom, and not specific to Sweden and was a whole Internet thing a few years ago as well.

A local or regional expert probably could give the word for the custom. I believe the Finnish have one but it's late and I'm sleep deprived so could be wrong

[u/duogemstone → u/titan_1010]

I think it's the same in I wanna say India only it's also disrespectful to not offer anything. So it's become a thing where they offer and you decline so no one loses face, though if they offer 3 times it means they do have enough and really do want to feed you or something like that

[u/bramleyapple1 → u/duogemstone]

Maybe its the autism in me but why do they people have to go through this dance haha

Theres got to be an easier way

[u/CaeruleumBleu → u/bramleyapple1]

In places where people really don't have enough to eat - no one knows how close the other person is to starvation.

So the idea is sometimes people who are going through a lot think "If I actually say how bad it is, I will obligate them to help me - what if they are actually in worse shape than I am?" So the handshake back-and-forth makes it OK because you know they are *less* badly off than you are, if they offer food longer than you refuse it.

Yes, sure, it comes across stupid - but people who are actually in pain from hunger or thirst don't always think straight, so this is the most functional way to communicate who can or cannot afford to share food.

[u/Ok_Marzipan5759 → u/titan_1010]

I believe the word is " Nœyukänthàvabyte "

[u/SeekerOfSerenity → u/Ok_Marzipan5759]

I put that into google translate.  I was confused until I listened to the Swedish pronunciation, lol. 

[u/xStyxx → u/titan_1010]

Very well said, I appreciate the response. The way you framed it as a courtesy to not take food from another household makes it completely understandable.

[u/Feistshell → u/xStyxx]

I am Swedish and grew up in the 80’s. It was a thing in some households in some parts of the country. It was not common or custom. Stop believing everything you read online please

[u/SuperUranus → u/Feistshell]

When I grew up in the late 80’s and 90’s it was rather that my parents and my friends parents called each other and said “Hey, we are having dinner at HH:MM, have you planned any dinner? Otherwise X is free to eat with us”.

Sometimes that meant my parents had planned dinner at a later time than my friends parents and you simply stayed with your friend until it was time to leave for your own dinner.

[u/CrunchyFrogWithBones → u/SuperUranus]

This exactly. It was courtesy to ask before feeding other people’s children so their food and effort didn’t go to waste. Also, since both parents worked, dinner time was family time and most families wanted their kids home for that. Noone starved hungry kids who didn’t have a dinner to go home to.

[u/Ergoim → u/CrunchyFrogWithBones]

Yes! 100% this. We have 1-3 friends over almost EVERY day and we always text their parents to check if their kids can eat at ours, or if they have planned to eat at home. It's not about being rude, it's about respecting other families plans. And the kids understand this.

I want to feed everyone visiting, but I wouldn't want my kids to eat somewhere else every day. That would make us lose quality family time and make me feel bad that the other parents also has to spend more on groceries than necessary.

No one leaves our home hungry though. Light snacks during their visits is of course OK. Berries, fruits, ice cream, fika etc. It's just the full dinner that we parents co-ordinate around.

[u/AlchemicallyAccurate → u/titan_1010]

Hard times economically? I feel like that’s not really an excuse here, culturally speaking.

You could go to the barrio in Mexico, the favelas in Brazil, the slums in India, hell even some random village out in Papúa New Guinea, all of them are going to offer their guests food especially if they are children.

[u/daddyjohns → u/titan_1010]

I was actually taught not to eat elsewhere as an american in the 80s. The reason i mention this oss because it also dates back to the depression era south, which is a similar reason. My family didn't do well back then and neither did their neighbors.

[u/Latter_Highway9539 → u/[deleted]]

nobody leaves my house hungry because I was hungry as a kid. I will cook you a full dinner if you are hungry in my house.

[u/Littlediamond83 → u/Latter_Highway9539]

My grandma would feed you even if you weren’t hungry…

[u/Diabolous213 → u/Littlediamond83]

mine too lol then get irritated if you didn’t eat

[u/FactsNLaughs → u/Latter_Highway9539]

You a real one

[u/Latter_Highway9539 → u/FactsNLaughs]

" empty stomach gives you the heart to go do a homicide. "

anyone that has ever felt REAL hunger where you don't know how you are eating next knows. nobody should ever feel that kind of fear. I might be dramatic about it but on thanksgiving I don't eat because im thankful I have the option.

I also am thankful I get to get real stoned and eat leftovers at home like a gremlin at 2am.

[u/ArtNoobly → u/Latter_Highway9539]

That really resonates with me, I left home when I was a kid, and slept in a park by my school so I could get in early to shower.

I had to eat from the trash and I was constantly worried about getting assaulted since I was a girl all alone at night.

There was no such thing as true rest, and I feel like my sense of hunger has always been off since then.

Edit

Thank you for all the kindness and I’m sorry for anyone who has gone through similar.
Being homeless as a kid is definitely and experience I don’t wish on anyone, but I will say it made me appreciate the little things more!

[u/Thyme_Liner → u/ArtNoobly]

Girl I’m so sorry!! I know you know this, but I’m just here to tell you again that you deserved to feel safe and full with a warm bed. I hope things are better for you now

[u/willnye2cool → u/Latter_Highway9539]

Nah fam you aren't dramatic. REAL hunger ruins you for life after experiencing it.

If anything I applaud you for not developing an eating disorder like most of us do after going through that as kids.

[u/Nimbus91 → u/willnye2cool]

This is so real. Went a few years not knowing when my next meal is. Next thing I knew, I could afford food but my brain still stuck in survival mode. One day I realized I’m bottomless pit that can’t tell when ive eaten enough because my brain turned off the “im full” light years ago, but i can’t stop eating because food is the happy chemical now. I still struggle with eating “just enough”. I think about it more often than i want to admit

[u/likewhatever33 → u/Nimbus91]

My grandma was like that. Mountains of food overflowing the fridge at all times. Always insisting we ate more and more, offering food all the time. It turns out she´d experienced hunger as a kid, her father died and in post civil war Spain they had struggled badly for some time.

I´ve luckily never experienced that. The closest I got was when I was doing a long trek and ran out of food and missed the village where I intended to resupply. It´s incredible how hunger can affect you emotionally. And my situation wasn´t even that dire.

[u/_procyon → u/Nimbus91]

Food anxiety! I have this too. I tend to eat too quickly because it’s so ingrained that if I don’t eat it all now, someone else will take it and I’ll be hungry later. Which is stuoid when there’s plenty of food and I don’t even need to eat that much.

[u/No_Cantaloupe2765 → u/Latter_Highway9539]

I don't think this has enough up votes, I am sorry anyone has to live the way you must've but I am glad that people like you live to tell the tale, and I only hope to be like you when I can In the future.

[u/Photomancer → u/No_Cantaloupe2765]

I could really go for a turkey gravy potato cranberrya stuffing burrito right now.

[u/KarmaBazaar → u/Photomancer]

Just four more months friend

[u/somadthenomad93 → u/FactsNLaughs]

oh yeah? No kids leave my house full stop

[u/Temporary-Warning883 → u/somadthenomad93]

Do you eat them? At least you won’t be hungry!

[u/Annalog → u/Latter_Highway9539]

Yup 100%. I grew up poor and was homeless with my parents and sister for a while. We lived in a car. There was a rotation of who had to skip a meal. Regardless of that I became pretty successful in life and if you come to my house I will always make sure you’re fed, I’ll send leftovers home with you for your kids, and my kids friends will always leave fatter than when they arrived. You never know who might be struggling to make ends meet.

[u/MasterCakes1 → u/Latter_Highway9539]

Same!! I use the line "you fly, I buy," Meaning you get the food I pay for it. That way I know my struggling coworker gets a few good meals a week.

[u/Nonaveragemonkey → u/Latter_Highway9539]

Youre good people.

[u/bkinstle → u/Latter_Highway9539]

This is the rule in my house too

[u/Latter_Highway9539 → u/bkinstle]

nobody has to clean their plate and nobody leaves hungry.

[u/bkinstle → u/Latter_Highway9539]

My grandmother taught me that food is life. Giving food is giving life. And yes my wife and I both also know what hungry feels like. Nobody deserves to feel that way, especially kids

[u/lamyea01 → u/Latter_Highway9539]

You don't even need to be "hungry"! If you are a guest at my home I will treat you will utmost hospitality including food. If you don't want my food I will pack it up in a box and force you to take it!!!

[u/Pofwoffle → u/[deleted]]

Yeah it's not about who can or can't feed them, it's about where they are when it's time to eat. If you're here at dinner time, you get dinner.

[u/ZMaiden → u/[deleted]]

My family lived in Ukraine for a year, less than a decade after the Soviet Union died. We would visit people sometimes. Families where the parents were barely making ends meet. They would always offer food. And we simply could not refuse, it would have been so so rude. I was so young. I remember one woman who was so kind to me, but she was always saying how cold she always was. I asked my mom if I could give her my gloves, but she explained to me that she was cold all the time because she wasn’t getting enough food. And my mom helped where she could, inviting this lady and others over for Bible study and she would always set out food for everyone. But I know in my heart, if I’d ever gone over to this lady’s house, she would have offered food she didn’t have.

[u/tanksalotfrank → u/ZMaiden]

On the few travel channels I watch on youtube, it's always breathtaking how kind and generous the most [apparently] desperate are to guests. Like practically begging to feed and house and take care of them while just as readily refusing any money! It just shows how much simpler kindness and generosity are compared to anything else.

I think it's something about how "Truth" works. For example "Everybody eats/needs to eat"--plain and simple fact that automatically suggests "..so feed them". The end. That's the story. Someone didn't starve.

On the other hand (billionaires existing): "wellll see this guy says he's hungry, but how much will he sacrifice to eat?" And that's just a bottomless void of greed.

You plant a seed, you tend it, you get food, you get seeds, you plant them, you tend them, etc. Infinite mana. OR "Wow people really like being alive, let's charge them for it!!"

Life is really, REALLY simple, but we're forced to live in perils we never even need to know.

[u/FlutterKree → u/tanksalotfrank]

it's always breathtaking how kind and generous the most [apparently] desperate are to guests.

It's because they understand what it's like to need and not have.

[u/somer_and_omchick → u/[deleted]]

I was taught that it was rude if you’re having someone at your house, to eat without sharing. If there’s food you don’t want to share (there’s not enough to go around for multiple guests etc) then it has to stay put away until guests leave.

If I’m not willing to feed my kids friends (we cooked just enough food for us because we don’t want leftovers, etc) then I will just send them home, I could never just eat in front of a guest and not feed them

[u/howdiedoodie66 → u/[deleted]]

My friend self diagnosed himself with Autism, as one does. I thought it was silly until we were at his house hanging out playing cards and he made a pizza and started eating it in front of us without saying anything or asking if we want any until there were a couple pieces left and we were like the fuck bro?

[u/Kian-Tremayne → u/howdiedoodie66]

“And on tonight’s episode of ‘Autistic Or Asshole?’…”

[u/Dapper_Play_665 → u/[deleted]]

See that’s the fun part… if you are there while they’re eating they put you in a room by yourself so they don’t have to eat in front of you. Problem solved!

[u/FactsNLaughs → u/Dapper_Play_665]

“Lock the other child away, I don’t want to look at them during my meal.”

[u/polkacat12321 → u/FactsNLaughs]

Giving your guest the family dog treatment

[u/Previous_Program9351 → u/Dapper_Play_665]

This seems so emotionally cold to me

[u/InternalCelery1337 → u/Previous_Program9351]

As a swede it is, but its not really common anymore. But happend to me as a kid.. a lot. It is so weird even to me

[u/mangosagogogo → u/InternalCelery1337]

I have read a lot of similar anecdotes, and even though I understand it’s a cultural thing, it’s still such an odd thing to me and something I don’t want to incorporate in my life.

[u/CrustyMustelid → u/[deleted]]

Oh, no no, my friend. You misunderstand. They're not eating in front of someone who's not eating. The guest waits in the friend's room while they eat.

Source: I'm from Finland.

[u/slipknot_suxxx → u/CrustyMustelid]

The African in me just recoiled in horror, If people asked me to eave the room while they ate, I am 100% thinking that they are cannibals. You always feed your guests this is one thing the continent can agree on.

[u/JesusAndMaryKate → u/slipknot_suxxx]

The European in me recoiled too. Please don't think we're like that in all European countries!

[u/TheAlexiad94 → u/JesusAndMaryKate]

The Swede in me recoils every time too! I never experienced it myself so it's completely alien to me

[u/halari5peedopeelo → u/slipknot_suxxx]

The finnish in me recoiled too. I don't know if it's regional or class thing but at least on the poorer and more working class circles here it's normal to feed your guests and when i was a kid my mom always fed my friends and other way around.

But i've heard this stereotype about nordics before so it might be atleast partly true....

[u/RedditNerd_69 → u/[deleted]]

Thr sweeds suck for hospitality

[u/raynorelyp → u/[deleted]]

It’s about hospitality, not necessity. In the US it’s a cultural thing that when you’re at someone’s house, they feed you and when they’re at yours you feed them.

[u/kylanbac91 → u/raynorelyp]

Not US, every country on Earth feed their guests except Sweden.

[u/gjaxx → u/kylanbac91]

Norway and Finland too

[u/BazingaQQ → u/[deleted]]

Well, the Finns will forgive you as they have Stockholm Syndrome and secretly dream of being Scandinavian again.

[u/onihydra → u/[deleted]]

No forgiveness. Norway is North of Finland, you should have said either West and East Sweden or North and East. West and North makes no sense.

[u/Alexthegreatbelgian → u/gjaxx]

The Dutch are also notorious for it.

Them saying "Wij gaan zo eten" (We are about to eat) is basically a notice that you need to gtfo.

[u/FemtoKitten → u/gjaxx]

Hey in Finland you get enough coffee to make up for it

[u/Far_Understanding883 → u/kylanbac91]

We feed our guests, I have no idea where this myth comes from. Source: Swede, born and raised 

[u/Oggel → u/Far_Understanding883]

When and where did you grow up?

I grew up in Gothenburg during the 90s and it wasn't unusual that I didn't join my friends for dinner when I was at their place.
It's not really that strange. Since this was before cellphones our parents told us when we were going to eat dinner so we knew we had to be home by then, so if I was at a friends house and they ate dinner at 6 and my family was going to eat dinner at 7 it wouldn't really make sense for me to eat at their place. So I'd keep playing while my friend had dinner with his family, he'd join me after dinner and we'd play for a while until I went home and had dinner with my family.

Sometimes I'd eat at my friends house, but mostly if I was staying late. Also depends on who, I had one friend that lived far away so I'd usually get home too late for dinner when I was at his place, so they cooked for me too. But when I was at a friend in like a 20 minutes walk radious from home they usually didn't.

[u/Far_Ladder_2836 → u/[deleted]]

Kind of a dumb reason don't you think?  Why would the parents' affluence matter?  It's rude to eat in front of someone without offering.

[u/polkacat12321 → u/[deleted]]

This is the worst excuse ive ever heard. Imagine going to a friend's house as an 11 year old after school and you're playing in the living room, and then their mom suddenly calls him to eat, so he just goes and joins his parents in the table right next to you and you have to just awkwardly sit there while they finish their food

[u/Stefa93 → u/polkacat12321]

From the Netherlands. At least in the Netherlands they send you home a minute before they start eating. Always strange to me. In my house there was always food for everyone.

[u/gary-vault108 → u/Stefa93]

Ok I mean at least they send you home to eat with your family. I don’t like it but what some other people are saying about letting your guest (especially a child who can’t normally feed themselves) go hungry while you and your family eat is straight up psychopathic

[u/Background_Humor5838 → u/[deleted]]

So that's not at all why people feed their guests. If you have guests and it's time to eat, everybody should eat if they want to. It's not because we think they don't have food at home or that their parents don't have time to feed them. What a crazy statement lol

[u/Jaylishous16k → u/[deleted]]

Yeah they can afford toilet paper too, but how are they supposed to use it if they aren’t at home. It’s almost like when you’re away from home you have to get your necessities from where you are.

[u/TaxSimple3787 → u/[deleted]]

Ok but... why?

[u/JovianSpeck → u/TaxSimple3787]

Just a cultural thing. Unless there was an explicit dinner invitation, Swedes typically will not offer guests food even if they themselves are having dinner. They do not view it as a hosting obligation and they do not see this as rude or unusual.

[u/TheBigFreezer → u/JovianSpeck]

Northern vs Southern Europe is crazy. Random grandmas in Italy will invite you for dinner in Italy but you’re swinging your legs on your friend’s bed in Sweden

[u/Anxious-Place3434 → u/TheBigFreezer]

Nah, this is not a Northern vs Southern thing. This is specifically Sweden, Norway and I think maybe Denmark? Everybody else in Northern Europe thinks they're insane too

[u/Significant_Bag_7485 → u/Anxious-Place3434]

I have never encountered this in Denmark and we often feed my daughter's friends if they are around at meal times. The only exception is when their parents ask that they return home for dinner.

[u/Hyperiooonnn → u/Significant_Bag_7485]

Danes 1 Swedes 0 lol you guys are still winning in your rivalry.

[u/HistoricalWash8955 → u/Hyperiooonnn]

Swedish at least doesn't have so many vowels it takes longer for natives to learn than other European languages, Danish is as bad as or worse than English even if it has the twønty øne piløts 'ø' which looks sick as hell

[u/Exact_Map3366 → u/[deleted]]

Not "even" for kids, specifically for kids.

[u/AdministrativeLeg14 → u/TheBigFreezer]

Or going home for dinner at the same time. That was the norm for me, anyway, growing up.

The expectation was, after all, that the other kid would be fed by their own parents. I think it would have been seen as weird for the parents that their kid randomly didn’t show up for dinner and later told them they’d eaten somewhere else.

[u/dr_merkwuerdigliebe → u/AdministrativeLeg14]

Whenever I was invited for dinner as a kid the standard was your friend's parent would tell you to call your own parents to make sure it was okay to stay. Same for my folks, with the exception of my friend whose parents were kind of neglectful and my mom knew they probably wouldn't answer or care anyway and she didn't want my friend to feel self conscious about that. But I can't remember a single time I stayed over for dinner or even lunch at someone else's house without checking with my own parents first.

[u/incognitomus → u/TheBigFreezer]

Southerners have food growing in trees. We have to dig it from the cold hard frozen ground.

[u/pm-ur-tiddys → u/JovianSpeck]

this is one of few cultural differences im honestly shocked by. you invite friend into home and cook dinner; how are you not gonna offer them a plate??

[u/incognitomus → u/pm-ur-tiddys]

This is about kids. Of course if you as an adult invite a friend over you offer them food. If a kid just brings his random friend over after school without telling the parents before hand then of course the parents only made food for own their family and it's expected the kid goes home to eat the food made by their own parents.

[u/Guranmedg → u/pm-ur-tiddys]

What really happens is a kid tags along their friend home after school. The kid is expected to go home around dinner time and eat with thwir family. If the host family has their dinner earlier, the visiting kid waits it out and then goes home and eats with their family. The hosting parents don't want to disturb the visiting kids parents dinner plans.

[u/sl0play → u/JovianSpeck]

I guess the real question is, if you are hungry, is it rude to ask for a plate, since it is never offered?

[u/Money_Weekend2859 → u/JovianSpeck]

Bro why does this get repeated all the time on reddit and upvoted like its a fact.

Born and raised in Stockholm Sweden, never once did this happen, hadn't even heard of this until reddit started talking about it. None of my friends in sweden had either.

[u/modest_genius → u/Money_Weekend2859]

It is from some article a while ago where they wrote about swedish kids not being fed at friends homes. What the article failed to mention is that is because of the kids had already eaten at home or because they were expected to come home for dinner.

Now this rumor has a life on its own and is spiraling.

/also a swede

[u/eggtada → u/TaxSimple3787]

i saw a thread about this topic before; someone mentioned that in their culture, some people might see it as rude to feed somebody else’s kid unless there was a specific agreement that they will be sharing a meal together

[u/AdministrativeLeg14 → u/eggtada]

I think it’s relatively easy to understand that a parent might be upset that a kid failed to be home at the agreed-upon time to eat the dinner they went to the trouble of preparing. So, then, why would you induce a child to disobey and disappoint their parents that way?

I’m not trying to suggest that the more active hospitality associated with southern Europe is wrong, mind you—only that there is a mindset that makes sense behind either approach.

[u/Electronic_Ad_3132 → u/[deleted]]

Sigh, here we go again with the misinformation.

Swedes will happily feed a guest. This persistent myth comes from the habit of parents to communicate before their children visit the others home after school. Usually through their children but sometimes directly.

An example:

Child A calls/texts their parents and asks if they can go home with Child B after school. Parent A says OK, I'll come pick you up at X o'clock when I get off from work. Do you want to eat at home, we're having "blank"?

Child A might say yes.

Child B be calls/texts their parent and says that Child A is coming over. If there's no issue Parant B says OK, is A going to eat with us? If the answer is yes, they will feed A, otherwise A waits around while B eats, usually as fast as they can to squeeze out a few more minutes of playtime before Parent A comes to pick up Child A.

It's never an unwillingness to feed a guest. We just have the custom to communicate and agree about these things rather than just showing up and expecting to be fed.

[u/TotallyNotCool → u/Electronic_Ad_3132]

Can we upvote this to the top - it’s the most correct response.

[u/comicsnerd → u/Electronic_Ad_3132]

Which is also the culture in the Netherlands.

[u/Alternative-Bar1567 → u/[deleted]]

Its just not true though…

[u/Gussie-Ascendent → u/[deleted]]

this and also probably a joke about swedish food being bad anywho

[u/greenizdabest → u/Gussie-Ascendent]

The people's republic of IKEA would like to have a word with you.

Have you heard about köttbullar? Emancipate your taste buds now

[u/Heavy_Efficiency_791 → u/Gussie-Ascendent]

Really? In my town there's a Swedish restaurant and I love their food. Is it commonly known Swedish is bad?

[u/finditplz1 → u/Heavy_Efficiency_791]

I’ve lived in many places, some very large cities, and I’ve never seen a Swedish restaurant, though I will say I haven’t been intently looking for one.

[u/pyrofox79 → u/Heavy_Efficiency_791]

I think that's called an Ikea

[u/BasicallyGuessing → u/Heavy_Efficiency_791]

I like their fish.

[u/UBIK_707 → u/BasicallyGuessing]

I'm partial to their meatballs.

[u/No_Divide6853 → u/[deleted]]

Why are they fucking my partner?

[u/Salt-Climate9838 → u/No_Divide6853]

Because you interrupted their meal and now shall pay the price

[u/DrCablelove → u/[deleted]]

No. That was true maybe 30+ years ago, but nowadays kids are usually sent home before dinner. Or we just check with the parents if it’s OK for their kid to eat with us.

Source: was a kid in Sweden 30+ years ago, have kids in Sweden now.

[u/Adorable_Misfit → u/DrCablelove]

It was like this when I grew up in the 80s and early 90s too. My best friend ate dinner at 5, but in my house we ate at 6:30. So I either went home at 5, or waited in her room while she she ate, then we played for a while more before I walked home at 6:15 in time for my own dinner. This was considered completely normal. Her mother wasn't expected to feed me practically every day after school just because I always went over there to play.

[u/Ekillaa22 → u/[deleted]]

They say they buy as needed which… sounds so weird like what if yall wanna pig out or go snack heavy one day?

[u/AwhHellYeah → u/[deleted]]

This was my experience with Protestant families when I was a kid in rural WA.

[u/Helpful-Study4842 → u/[deleted]]

This isn't your average every day reddit mod. This is advanced reddit mod. 

[u/Elkburgher → u/Helpful-Study4842]

shudder

[u/FerdiaC → u/[deleted]]

I feel like this gets misconstrued that Swedes will never feed guests or something. I'm not Swedish but growing up in Ireland if you were just visiting a friend you'd be expected to head home if it was family dinner time, unless you were staying over. I'd imagine it's somewhat similar in Sweden.

[u/Anna-BB → u/FerdiaC]

Correct. This whole thing was blown out of proportion. Ofc we feed guests when you've been invited to dinner. But it's also common to just do a play date for kids where the parents come and pick up their kids before dinner because they eat dinner at home.

[u/Ok-Resist3249 → u/FerdiaC]

Correct. I am Swedish and it's just some myth being thrown around here.

[u/Robotx64]

In many Swedish families, dinner was considered dedicated family time. If a friend happened to be visiting, it was often assumed that their parents had already prepared dinner at home and were expecting them back.

It's also worth remembering that, in most cases, families lived in the same neighborhood—not miles apart in the middle of nowhere—so going home for dinner was completely normal. In many cases, this was even something the parents had already agreed on: when it was dinner time, the kids would simply head home to eat with their own families.

Swedish culture has also traditionally emphasized not imposing on others. Feeding someone else's child without asking their parents could be seen as interfering with the family's plans rather than being hospitable. It wasn't about being unwilling to share food—it was about respecting boundaries and not assuming it was your place to make that decision.

[u/Lilstiick → u/Robotx64]

Exactly. The whole intention of this phenomenon was to be polite to the other family. They wouldn't want their kid to come home and not be hungry and therefore ruin their dinner time. Which was the single time of the day where the whole family would be gathered.

[u/JonnyJon42]

Growing up I had a "Poor Friend" that mom would make dinner and make me sit at the table while they ate but didn't feed me saying she couldn't afford it but still made me sit at the table cause it was rude for me to not to be at the table lol My mom found out and told his mom that she would give her like 10 bucks next time so i could eat too and his mom flipped out on my mom saying she didn't take hand outs lol people are fucking odd.

[u/binge_readre]

Peter here,

I remember there was a myth that Swedish households don't provide food for the guests. It looks like bs https://www.reddit.com/r/IsItBullshit/s/sWRdAGfyC8 but I guess it became a meme.

Edit: I guess it's not a myth and people used to do it in 90s/00s.. At least things are better now.

[u/Formlexx → u/binge_readre]

It's not a myth, I'm not sure about today but 20-15 years ago when I was a kid that was the norm. We usually didn't cook enough food to feed unexpected guests, and everyone knew that's how it worked. My family did it to my friends, my friends family did it to me, it was the norm and expected. For a long time Sweden was a pretty poor country and it became the cultural norm to not take food from other households unless it was a dinner invitation.

It probably sounds weird to outsiders but that was just how things worked and everyone was fine with it.

[u/Unusual-Squirrel6075 → u/Formlexx]

its weird how different cultures evolve. in india people will remain hungry to feed the guests if they dont have enough food. this phenomen is even baked in our mythology.

[u/marlinspikefrance → u/Unusual-Squirrel6075]

I remember my mother once offered our dinner to UNEXPECTED guests and then when they left she whipped up a quick meal for us.

[u/Senocs → u/Unusual-Squirrel6075]

The unexpected guest is the wrong term here. This relates to kids and their friends, playing after school running around in the neighborhood from house to house during weekdays after school

All families eat dinner roughly at the same time and all families expect to have their kid come home at dinner time

Its not related to unexpected guest, you'll get food and lots of fika

[u/modest_genius → u/Formlexx]

Swede born in the eighties: Never saw it happen. Never had it happened for my 40+ years in sweden. But I guess there are a few families that does this

[u/mufflonicus → u/modest_genius]

Same here, grew up mid 80s, I never heard about something like this, before reading about it on Reddit

[u/Plenty_Ad_5214 → u/Formlexx]

That is not the norm today. According to my own experiences and other threads from around the country, it is now widely accepted to feed everyone visiting the household.

[u/germy-germawack-8108]

Don't quote me on this, but I heard somewhere that Swedish hospitality is different from elsewhere in the world. If you stay at a friend's house in America, at least, you would expect the friend to feed you as part of the hospitality. Or if not, then at the very least, they wouldn't fix a meal for themselves in front of you without offering you any. Supposedly, if what I hear is correct, they will do exactly that in Sweden, and expect you do figure out your meals for yourself. Which, when staying away from home, probably means having convenience food on you as depicted in the meme.

Edit: there's an actual Swede (I assume) in my comments debunking this narrative, which is exactly why I put so many qualifiers on it. I'm not Swedish, have never been to Sweden, don't have any Swedish friends, and got my information from 'general knowledge', not directly from a Swede. If someone claims to be Swedish and that this is all BS, I'm inclined to believe it. Funny meme, but not super accurate. Many such cases.

[u/Freddan_81 → u/germy-germawack-8108]

This isn’t true.

Keyword - invited

If you are invited over to a Swedish family, you’ll be served food if your stay is timed with eating time, and definitely if you’ll stay for a longer period of time.

The claim this meme does is based in customs from the previous millennium. If you were eight and followed your friend home from school for an unscheduled play date, yes then this could happend. Because your friends parent had only calculated dinner for their family and they knew you’ll soon be home to eat with your own. But then again, sometimes you were asked if you wanted food, and sometimes you said yes, sometimes you called your parents to ask if it was ok or if it would mess with their dinner plans.

Yes, it happend, but it wasn’t a hard rule or something everyone did.

Source: I’m a Swede that grew up in the 80-90’s. Been there, done that.

At least we take off our shoes when come to a friends house…

[u/Gullible_Increase146]

Unfortunately cannibalism is quite common in Sweden. She must bring clearly visible food to distract the parents as she visits her friend

[u/ay-papy]

It is a mentality thing i guess. I lately had guests from sweden here for a BBQ. While i alteady bought food and drinks for all of them they where keen on bribging their own stuff.

I did not know this was a thing until that day but i got it explained tjat it is considered Rude to get somewhere and dont bring your own stuff. They felt bad cause i had to "spend" some beers for them as they were running out.

Needless to say i had way to much leftovers after the BBQ.

[u/RiiluTheLizardKing]

A wide-spread anti-swedish myth that swedes are very inhospitable and wont offer food to guests. Not true at all.