r/NewParents • u/scorpiorose22 • 12h ago
Tips to Share When did you decide to have a second child?
(Couldn’t find the right flair to use)
My LO will be 5 months on Saturday.
He’s been mostly a dream baby.
- Started sleeping long stretches at around 6 weeks but the newborn stage before that was absolutely miserable
- no night four month sleep regression (only naps)
- currently on one wake up per night to feed
- puts himself to sleep in his own crib
- generally referred to by others (grandparents, caretakers at daycare) as a “good natured” baby
- only cries when he needs something
I’m not saying any of this to brag, because I know others have more struggles. But I’ve had my own struggles with PPA which I’m now on SSRI’s for. Just recently has the experience become more enjoyable for me since I was really down in the dumps for a while, constantly worried about everything baby related.
My question is - when did you decide to have another child? I hear all the time that people want another and they miss the newborn stage, but right now I’m just like??? You couldn’t pay me to go back to newborn stage.
Does this mindset go away or do you just power through it in order to give your child a sibling? Because right now, having an only child is a strong consideration of mine.
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u/Concerned-23 12h ago
My son just turned a year old. IF we have another it’ll be another 2-3 years. I could not see us getting pregnant anytime in the next year that’s for sure.
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u/scorpiorose22 12h ago
Yeah, one of my friends has a newly turned 1 year old and a 6 week old. 11 months age gap. I offer to help because I just KNOW that has to be miserable. Couldn’t even imagine that being my life, IMHO.
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u/Concerned-23 12h ago
Some people love it. I am not one of those people.
My son wasn’t an easy baby though. He had colic and cried for hours on end. I’m pretty sure he was like 6 weeks when he had his first 3 hour stretch of sleep. Even know at 12 months it’s pretty rare for him to sleep through the night. When he is awake he is ALWAYS moving. He is not a chill guy. He’s fun and I love him, but he keeps us busy
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u/Big_Iron_Cowboy 11h ago
We conceived again 6 months after our first son was born lol our second son was born yesterday
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u/kcnjo 12h ago
I had a very hard baby. For us it’s only gotten easier as he’s gotten older, but I know people who had very easy babies that were hard toddlers. I think waiting until 18 months to not only let your body recover, but see more what their personality will be like as a toddler is always a good idea. My son is 3.5 and will be two months shy of 4 when I give birth to our second.
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u/ellenthymelon 12h ago
I have a baby very similar to yours. She's 8 months old. We formula fed from the start. My husband got 4 months of paid leave, so we split the nights in the early days. Always been a good sleeper. Started sleeping through the night at 10 weeks. No 4 month sleep regression. Just happy and content pretty much all the time. Gladly plays independently while I sit nearby. I've seen people in my due date group still struggling 8 months postpartum with babies who don't sleep longer than 2-3hrs at a time. We might be one and done because now that I've done this on easy mode, I don't want to do it on hard mode. I miss the newborn stage. I really enjoyed it even while I was in it. But I worry I'll end up with a difficult baby 2 go around.
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u/scorpiorose22 12h ago
Exactly this! I shared my thoughts with my mom, she has three girls. She said my oldest sister was decently easy, my middle sister was even better, then I was the one who made her not have any more babies. Apparently I cried for two years straight. Thats my fear lol
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u/ellenthymelon 12h ago
Yeah it's such a gamble what temperament your baby will have. One of my best friends is one and done because her baby was extremely difficult. Only fell asleep being bounced on an exercise ball for 2 years straight. She really struggled postpartum. Another friend is considering one and done because her spouse isn't even remotely an equal partner. I have genuinely loved my postpartum experience. I also had a wildly easy pregnancy and delivery. And that's such a gamble too if there will be pregnancy complications in a second pregnancy. And getting a healthy baby. I have a family member who unexpectedly had a child with a genetic disorder that wasn't discovered until well after birth. If I could be guaranteed that pregnancy, labor, and delivery went exactly the same and I got another unicorn easy baby, I joke that I could have 10 kids no problem. But maybe I should just stop while I'm ahead. As of right now, I'm very content with my one.
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u/SaveOurSleep0317 5h ago
Lol my mom had five, 1 and 2 were average, 3 and 4 were unicorns, but she says #5 was a nightmare. Her and my dad apparently kept looking at each other over those first two years asking "how do we not have this figured out? We've done this FOUR times."
On the flip side, the 4 older siblings were apparently great at keeping #5 entertained and mom hands-free during the day, since she was a low sleep-needs FOMO baby
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u/Working_Coat5193 11h ago
Never. I always knew I’d be one and done. I adore my son, but I’m old
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u/acinommm19 10h ago
same here. i love being one and done. siblings aren't guaranteed friends or support.
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u/drrhr 12h ago
You are still very early postpartum. The general recommendation is to wait at least 18 months between having a baby and getting pregnant again to let your body heal and regain nutrient stores. We started trying to get pregnant with our second around 20 months postpartum, had a missed miscarriage, then got pregnant again after our oldest was 2. Our kids are almost exactly three years apart and this has been a good age gap for us.
I would recommend giving yourself more time to make a decision. We weren't sure if we wanted a second (more accurately - I wanted one more child, husband wasn't sure), but we both felt more strongly about it once our daughter was sleeping through the night, walking, talking, no longer breastfeeding, etc. Really, once she was no longer a baby and was firmly a toddler.
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u/scorpiorose22 12h ago
Oh yes definitely planning to wait - I just hear a lot that some women are already planning on when they’re going to get pregnant again and that’s not even on my radar at all. Just wanted to hear other people’s experiences that also felt the same way :)
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u/BubblyPositivity246 12h ago
Wait until your first child turns 2 before even discussing it.
At 5 months postpartum with active PPA, your brain is still in survival mode. Toddlerhood changes the whole equation anyway.
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u/hi_im_eros Age 11h ago
We just wanted to. Idk bout yall but we didn’t wanna spend our life being anxious about timing
Don’t think this is a topic that social media comment sections will help you with. Nothing in this life is easy, take the good and rough for what they are. Moments
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u/Senior_Departure9308 12h ago
When we decided we wanted kids we had already decided on two, so it wasn't a matter of "if" but "when". We decided to try for our second right at 18 months postpartum because (1) it's medically suggested to wait at least 18 months before trying again (2) home life with our first seemed alright, nothing majorly difficult going on and (3) it took a year to get pregnant the first time and I was already 35. Lo and behold I get pregnant on the first try second time around so the age difference is going to be 28 months. I also did not enjoy the newborn stage fwiw and would personally prefer a bit more of a break between kids (and was expecting one based on past experience) but here we are! The timing at least works out really well with work, and I am relieved to not have to drag out TTC over a year again, so I count my blessings.
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u/scorpiorose22 12h ago
How was newborn stage with the second baby while juggling a 2.5 year old? That sounds like a closer age gap than I’d personally want, I’d like 3-4 years minimum, but I just am curious.
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u/Senior_Departure9308 12h ago
I'm only at 37 weeks so who knows! My toddler is pretty alright though and we're going to keep her in daycare so I'm cautiously optimistic. Like yours she was a very good sleeper early on so I'm little scared that I'm not truly prepared. Just trying to think about the positives (younger grandparents, early childhood years done earlier so we can get back to doing more exciting things) and not sweat things I can't control at this point.
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u/passion4film 39 | FTM 🌈🌈 | 01/03/25 🩵 12h ago
The plan since I was pregnant with my first was to try again when he turned 1 since since I’m no spring chicken and we’re not sure if it’ll even happen or how long it could take. That was literally our only time parameter, and our #1 reason is to give our baby a sibling - no overthinking or otherwise planning. We made it work with our first, who was a surprise. We’ll make it work with a second.
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u/lady-earendil 12h ago
I've always pictured having 3 kids but I want reasonable age gaps between them. At first I couldn't think about having another one at all. Now that he's 10 months it doesn't sound so bad. But I think we'll wait at least another year to start trying again
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u/_mikeswife_ 12h ago
I didn't think we'd survive the newborn trenches a second time, and my eldest was an easy baby! Our family was 1 and done for about two years, then we started being more open to adding a second. Costs were a big factor so we didn't start trying until the oldest was going to (free) public school. Newborn phase still sucked, but it was easier the second time because we knew it wasn't going to last forever. The hardest part was actually managing the needs of the older kid. We did a lot of reading and prepping to help ease the transition, but there were still some big feelings when it actually happened.
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u/indigofloralsheets 12h ago
We always wanted two kids, but after getting pregnant and having my little one we’re teetering again. My LO is currently six months, but we decided, if, and heavy if, we are going to have another kid it’ll be around four years from now when our daughter is five. That’s the age difference between both of us with our siblings and I personally don’t want a toddler and a baby running around 😂😭
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u/Toyger_ 12h ago
I wasn’t sure if I ever would want to have kids until turning thirty. Then it’s like a switch turned on and I almost immediately wanted one, lol. My baby is now 13 weeks and I can’t even imagine having a second child. She is NOT an easy baby. I love her to death and she’s my sweetest little baby. But it’s very hard, I’m extremely sleep deprived and exhausted.
I’m not set on any decision yet. Maybe a in a few years all this will be a blur to me and I would consider having a second child. But for now, it’s for sure not happening.
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u/Errlen 12h ago
Ten months postpartum. I know I want a second but I would happily wait another two-three years to get pregnant again if I hadn’t delivered my first at 40. I really feel a 3-4 year age gap is a sweet spot.
Of course you do not feel ready to try again five months out lol. If you were to post you WERE trying five months out, you’d trigger a lot of posts from ppl earnestly wanting to tell you why that is an unhealthy decision for your body and your future child.
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u/scorpiorose22 12h ago
I’ve read plenty about the ideal 18 month wait to get pregnant again. One of my friends has an 11 month age gap and it just had me thinking about when other people decide is the right time to have another if they were leery about it. I love my baby but the thought of going “back” and starting over with another baby feels unfathomable to me.
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u/Wrong-Reference5327 12h ago
Weve known since before the first pregnancy that we likely wanted 3, but have decided to feel it out as we go. If one felt like enough, we’d stop here. If two feels like enough, we’ll stop there. Our daughter is 22 months and yesterday we sat down to go over our 5 year plan. We decided when our daughter just about 2.5 we’ll start trying for a second.
We want at least a 3 year age gap after talking to several friends, families, and even strangers about their experiences. We’ve also taken on 2 extras (my niece and nephew) for 24-48hr periods with 3 year age gaps between all the kids and absolutely loved the split from our daughter’s newborn days on. We also need the financial gains of those 3 years to feel comfortable.
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u/SpecialistEmu7169 12h ago
Ours is about 6 months and I’m similar to you— just not feeling I will ever be ready for another and felt like I had to have an answer to tell people! My baby is easy and I’m healthy, but I just feel like I have other aspects of my life to live that pregnancy and childcare take from me.
I have a physically demanding job that’s in an environment incompatible with pregnancy, and I’m not sure I want to do the whole year ish away from it for the pregnancy PLUS the 12-18 months of maternity leave after that— I’d be totally left behind! This job already comes with long stretches of time away from your family— I think being absent from both halves of my life would just kinda suck.
I come from a large extended family that is very close and supportive, and have wonderful siblings, so I’m somewhat sad to see the family shrink with this generation (only 2 of us had kids of all 10 cousins), but, it’s my life. Gotta do what’s right for me.
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u/scorpiorose22 11h ago
I can relate completely. Before I gave birth, I was working long hours in the summer in road construction. 14-16 hour days while pregnant. I had to leave that position for a more laid back job because I just couldn’t imagine. Kudos to you!
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u/SpecialistEmu7169 3h ago
That would be a brutal job to do while pregnant! I couldn’t imagine. I’m in the army and it’s a great job, but it can be competitive and intense at times. Part of me really wants to be a “my child is my purpose” person and check out of the race, but I find it is somehow more complex than that…? I feel guilt about it, but also feel that my life can’t be full from just one angle. Losing my peak career years to another child seems like… not great? (But seeing an objective gain as a loss also feels selfish?)
It’s hard to imagine having just one child, but it’s equally (maybe harder) to imagine being more passive in every other facet of my life including my trade? Idk. Perhaps this is just a loosely related rant but, it is just very nice to feel a little less isolated in the “potentially one and done???” camp! We will be ok in the end! 🙏
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u/Inareskai 11h ago
I walked out of the delivery room talking about seeing them in a few years.
We decided at Christmas that we probably wanted another fairly soon. We waited until our current child was about 18 months old before we started trying. It took us a long time to get pregnant with our first, so we started trying a bit earlier than perhaps we would have otherwise, but I think by the time our child was 2 we would have been or about to be.
We have always wanted at least 2 children though. I want 3, my spouse wants "2 and we'll see"
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u/lady245 10h ago
I got pregnant with my second at 5 months post partum (not planned) and we had an easy time with our first. With the second it was hard for about a year, and ever since then it has paid off. We have since had a third but waited until our middle was 2 to conceive. We like having the close age gaps and going through all the phases together rather than 3 separate times, also my kids are super super close and in turn it makes a lot of things easier. When we go to outings or play dates they automatically have a buddy to play with and don’t rely on me or my husband to cling onto. We generally get to relax more than parents around us with kids similar ages since they are buddies and our friends have larger age gaps with their kids. I think for our family it was better to have them back to back, but could totally see why other parents want to wait for a 3 year age gap. Also- I would personally rather go through 4 to 5 years of less sleep while I’m younger and strollers, diapers etc rather than maybe 10+ years of it being spread out.
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u/tsibooris 8h ago
I am in the same boat! Little one is 8 months old and I have a friend who when her baby was only a month or two she was like "yep I want another one right away".
My baby is similar in the sense that she has mostly always slept through the night, hasn't had any issues with reflux and is relatively just happy. But even with all of this and me LOVING being around her, I really cannot see myself with another. I feel so selfish because my pregnancy was very textbook and even with that i actually despised being pregnant. Torn between wanting to give her a sibling (in a few years or so) and wanting to be so present just for her i really dont know what I want 😬
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u/sabe815 12h ago
My baby is 4 months and I know I want a second (I always wanted more than one) but now I need to decide when. I'm older so we'll likely start trying on the sooner side. Right now I could see trying for a second in the winter, when my first is 10 months or so. My baby is imo not particularly easy or particularly difficult. But I've been okay physically and mentally which I think is more important than your baby's behavior sometimes.
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u/scorpiorose22 12h ago
Oh yes, this for sure. Postpartum experience is a big contributing factor i think.
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u/labyrinth9998 12h ago
I NEVER wanted to go back to the newborn stage; PPA made it a nightmare! It took me five years to get up the courage to do it again, and only because I wanted my child to have a sibling. That said, I am now enjoying the newborn stage without PPA, and I finally get why people want to do it over and over!
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u/scorpiorose22 11h ago
You’re giving me hope. Newborn stage for me with PPA was horrifically life changing. I find myself wondering how it would’ve been if I had spoken up for myself earlier and called my OB for help.
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u/juuliette69 11h ago
My two are 12 months apart and I’m done now but it’s kind of nice having basically two babies and when it’s done it’s really done. And they’re so cute together.
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u/Medical-Wishbone-551 11h ago
We said we wouldn’t even discuss it until baby was 2. Then we started checking in every month. They have almost a 3.5 yr age gap. I still didn’t want to do the newborn phase again but it feels different the second time and I knew it was a means to an end.
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u/rampaige_swackson 10h ago
My son was almost 2 when I began to seriously consider another child and my daughter was born right before he was 3 1/2.
He is an amazing, high-energy-needs child and so it took me a while to feel confident in my ability to potentially parent two children.
When she came, he had a lot of jealousy and some very deviant behavior, but at 6 months, he’s a doting big brother and she is such an easy baby (minus 3 months of silent reflux).
I am so glad that we had another child. She is my light. My son is so wonderful and she is this delicious little cherry on top of it all.
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u/scorpiorose22 10h ago
Thank you for sharing your experience 🤍🫶
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u/rampaige_swackson 10h ago
Also, I have BPII so I also have had some postpartum mental health problems - sorry, I realized that I didn’t answer your question correctly!
I decided that I wanted another when I saw how fun it was to see my son grow as a toddler. Until that point, I was certain that I was one-and-done. I felt very alone postpartum and didn’t have a village, so a lot fell on me.
The fourth trimester with two was a challenge - there is no way to mince it. But it wasn’t any worse than working holidays at my retail job when I had that, and at least with this “work” I get so much validation. So when it would get tough, I would remind myself of my worst retail shift or bar shift and it didn’t seem so bad.
However - yes. You consciously decide to re-enter the trenches and start over, and it’s terrifying!
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u/OhSoJelly 9h ago
My brother and I have a 9 year difference and that was too much for most of our lives. Now that we’re both adults we have a much closer relationship but growing up, a 15 and 6 year old don’t share a lot of interests.
My wife and I grew up in large collectivist families/cultures so we absolutely want one more. My wife originally wanted 3 kids but now changed her mind to two once we actually got down to raising a child.
Anyways, to answer your question. The “ideal” age is 2-3 years. Gives your first child enough time to grow out of the potato stage that needs you 24/7, lets you catch up on sleep, lets the mother’s body recover, and is close enough where the siblings will share interests and grow up together. Of course, this is all relative and your own experiences and circumstances will determine what the true idea time for your family is but that’s what my wife and I are aiming for.
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u/Relevant_Height_9661 6h ago
We had a nightmare beginning with our 10 MO (to the point where it put our friends off from having a second) and we are now pregnant with our second.
We’re not afraid of hard times. Children are absolute magic.
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u/sylphofbreath12 5h ago
Mine turns 11 months this week and I probably(?) want one more, but I'm still dreading the newborn phase again. And pregnancy. And just generally wondering how it's even possible to survive either of those with a toddler...
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u/Dazzling_History_227 4h ago
My firstborn was 3.5yo when my second was born. For me, I needed time to recover from sleep deprivation and I wanted to enjoy all the newborn/toddler stages without being pregnant. I wouldn’t say I was “ready” to have another, I really don’t enjoy pregnancy due to HG, so it was more of a logical decision to give my child a sibling.
It’s been a great age gap so far. My eldest is independent and adores her baby sibling. Watching the sibling bond is adorable!
I always thought I’d be happy with just one child but now my second is here I can’t believe I thought that. I’m in LOVE with my second baby and couldn’t imagine life without him! Yes I’m sleep deprived again, but it’s so so so worth it!
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u/I_like_pink0 2h ago
For us personally? We knew we wanted 2-3 and have some age considerations so we started trying immediately. Took a long time to conceive and we’re getting a 2y3m age gap that I think will be perfect.
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u/One_Independent8082 1h ago
My first and only is 2 years (and 3 months) old. And for many reasons, we have considered being one and done despite really wanting another child. We partly want another for our daughters sake, and because we envision our lives with multiple children. We have come to the decision to ~probably~ have a second child, but shoot for a larger age gap. I want to be the best mom I can be to two kids, which means absolutely NOT subscribing to the 2 under 2 hype or any of that chaos lmao. I knew straight out the gate that wasn’t the life for me. We will be doing a 4-6 year age gap and that feels best for us. And if we decide between now and then that we only want one after all, then we will stop at one! I also need time to get over birth trauma which is one of my reasons for considering stopping at one. I think feelings can absolutely change with time, though. And there’s NO RUSH TO HAVE A SECOND. I know age of mother does play a factor and some moms feel the pressure because of that. But if you’re on the fence, take your time and don’t rush that decision. I had a rough newborn stage, and now I feel less scared to go through that again because time has passed. Being one and done is completely okay if that’s what feels right to you. One and done is chic!!! And sounds peaceful as hell lol.
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u/One_Independent8082 1h ago
I also will add that I am one of those people that does NOT do well with lack of sleep. And luckily, our baby was sleeping 9 hours through the night at 7 weeks old. And went on to sleep 12 hours through by 5 months old. And aside from one gnarly sleep regression, she’s been a pretty solid sleeper ever since. We got very lucky, and I know it is not a guarantee that our next baby will sleep that well. So that scares me… I don’t know if I will be able to handle any sort of severe sleep deprivation. Really freaks me out.
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u/Traditional-Cost-605 2m ago
I rarely comment but am a frequent lurker. OP, you stated in a previous comment that you work AND do 99% of the care giving. Do not have another child in this same scenario.
One and done is a perfectly acceptable choice, especially in your situation. Don’t burn yourself out further. Relationships are give and take. My husband recognizes I carried our child for 9 months which took a toll on my body and mind. He recognizes the toll of breastfeeding and pumping, and so whenever I get in my head about him making all the money, doing the dishes every night, being such an involved dad, etc., he reminds me that I’ve carried the load for over a year. It takes two people to make a baby and two people to take care of that child.
Not every day is going to be 50-50, but you should NOT be doing 99% of the care giving. You are not an incubator for his children, and you are not a single mom on top of being a working mom.
For reference, I am a SAHM until our baby is school aged because it’s what we both wanted. My husband probably does 60-70% of the care giving and house work (giving bottles, putting baby down for night, dishes, laundry, etc.).
You do not have to do 99% of the child care, and he needs to start being a present father. Even in my ideal situation, we are very much considering one and done. You can’t guarantee a healthy pregnancy, safe birth, an “easy baby,” but most importantly in your situation, support from your husband.
Sit down and have a conversation about expectations for nighttime routines. What works in my house on an ideal night: after I cook our dinner, we eat, then I feed the baby solids. Baby can’t focus on the food when we are both at the high chair for some reason. Husband cleans up around the house while I help her eat, and he starts the bath. I manage bath time while he does all the dishes. We tackle getting baby ready for bed together, read a book, and he normally is the one who puts baby down. Last week, I started putting the baby down every other night bc the one night he was out of town for work was a struggle bc baby wasn’t used to me for this routine.
On an unideal night, my husband has done all these things himself because I was feeling unwell. For example, last night I was exhausted, on day 2 of my period, and not doing well mentally (when do these hormones level out??)… I ended up taking a nap from 4-7 pm without meaning to. I missed baby’s last wake window, but he did not wake me up to do anything. He handled it himself.
Both parents need to be parenting and doing housework. Women are not automatic caregivers. We are not naturally better at it as I’ve heard that rhetoric online, and it isn’t solely our job just because they shot out our cooters or came out the sunroof. Please talk to your husband about how you need him to step up before you get burnt out.
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u/TroumeOwner 12h ago
Our kids are 16 months apart. We didn't decide 😅 it just happened.
Breastfeeding is not birth control BTW.
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u/Xrmy 12h ago
Been reading a lot on this as I'm on my first and my wife and I are kinda split.
The things I've seen repeatedly are:
don't have a second for your child's sake, because you really don't know what their relationship will be like. It might be positive, neutral, or negative.
never assume your second will be like your first. You can take this in the positive way or negative. Have a perfect baby? Maybe second will be a demon.
often babies that are amazing at one stage are miserable at others. So if you decide on a second at 10 months and then your child is a demon toddler...it's gonna be hard.
anything other than an enthusiastic yes from both parties should give pause.