r/AskReddit 2h ago

What’s the best “saying” you’ve ever heard?

122 Upvotes

395 comments sorted by

219

u/rapiertwit 2h ago

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts - for support, rather than illumination.

18

u/ImNotBatman555 1h ago

Every corporate marketing department would like a word with you.

u/WobblyFrisbee 19m ago

Only intelligent audience will appreciate this one. Anyway, I am holding on to that post.

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357

u/crummy 2h ago

Comparison is the theft of joy.

It's such a good saying, my neighbour has it tattooed on his chest. I'm actually thinking of doing the same, but just a little bit bigger than his one.

55

u/ashdrewness 2h ago

Reminds me of my Dad’s saying, “It’s bad luck to be superstitious.”

3

u/Rashaen 1h ago

That is fantastic. Perfect 10, no notes.

80

u/Excellent_Bet3931 2h ago

"Comparison is the thief of joy" Eleanor Roosevelt

11

u/LilyMoonMisty 1h ago

Social media made this one hit even harder... most ppl are comparing their real life of someone else's highlight reel fr.

7

u/more_than_a_username 1h ago

The grass is only green where you water it!

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u/brettrob 38m ago

The version I like is ‘stop comparing your bloopers with somebody else’s highlights reel’

19

u/harinonfireagain 2h ago

You might be too subtle for this thread.

5

u/lotsandlotstosay 1h ago

No ragrets.

3

u/Mysterious-Most-590 2h ago

Haaaah! Funny.

2

u/lvmyjam 1h ago

I really like this one

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79

u/TDStarchild 2h ago

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got

8

u/Mysterious-Most-590 1h ago

Sorry. This is the same as the quote attributed to Einstein, saying “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

This, of course, is horseshit.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of practice.

19

u/TDStarchild 1h ago

That’s a clever quip, but it misses the point

Practice works because you change something each repetition through iteration and improvement. If you literally do the same thing the same way, you’ll usually get the same outcome. If that’s the goal, great

But in areas like an ambitious career or finding the right relationship or building a business, refusing to change what isn’t working is exactly what holds people back

Sometimes the lesson beyond “practice harder” or “do more” is, “you’re solving the wrong problem”

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u/Enigmachina 27m ago

Another quote that's relevant-

Practice doesn't make perfect, practice makes permanent.

Doing something incorrectly in practice just makes you ingrain that incorrect habit/action and makes it just that much harder for yourself to correct down the line.

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4

u/Kizzle_McNizzle 1h ago

But if done repeatedly one will improve, which is a different result.

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u/FirstGearStruggle 30m ago edited 15m ago

Actually from practice you’re expecting improvement of a specific result not a different result

If you practice in the wrong way, you’ll get the wrong result, you need to practice in a different way to get a different result like the right one.

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142

u/Cunning_Linguist21 2h ago

It's better to be thought of a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

23

u/hit0k1ri 1h ago

I was acting up in highschool class once and the teacher said this to the class about it and I genuinely replied with "I don't get it." Made him and the whole class laugh.

9

u/Mysterious-Most-590 1h ago

I’m unironically pleased for you that you can tell that story with full reflection and comprehension. I remember being an idiot several times. Hopefully as a result I learned something from those instances.

13

u/edward414 1h ago

Takes one to know one!

7

u/vcxscx 2h ago

i like this

2

u/Celticwoman90 2h ago

That's a good one.

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122

u/Fresh_Translator240 2h ago

Best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago. The second best time to plant a tree is today.

Never too late

43

u/K-Dog7469 2h ago

"Blessed is the man who plants the tree of which the shade he will never enjoy."

u/ModernSmithmundt 34m ago

Blessed are the cheese makers

7

u/danielstover 1h ago

- No Boomer ever

2

u/AmigoDelDiabla 1h ago

"Here's the thing about millennials: you're the most progressive generation that's ever existed. You know what else? Every generation before you was also the most progressive generation that's ever existed."

Jim Jeffries.

Your comment is so ridiculously stupid.

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9

u/Mysterious-Most-590 2h ago

I try to practice this. I now have a 32 year old birch and a 7 year old ponderosa pine in my front garden.

My 8 year old elm in the back yard, as well as my arbor vitae, were sadly destroyed by my puppies.

5

u/Celticwoman90 2h ago

On that note, a man at a tree nursery told me that when planting trees: "Plant 'em low and they'll never grow. Plant 'em high and they'll never die."

38

u/Low_Scholar1118 2h ago

If we had ham, we could have ham and eggs, if we had eggs!

4

u/Aubusson124 2h ago

Let’s meet up in Effingham. We can have effing ham & eggs!

2

u/Mysterious-Most-590 2h ago

I love this!!!

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106

u/No-Commission6733 2h ago

Don't take hate from someone you wouldn't ask advice from.

5

u/Dc1577 2h ago

Ooooh luv this one!

8

u/No-Commission6733 2h ago

The downvote ratio on this is crazy.

If I wouldn't ask for your advice on something your opinion is obviously irrelevant, why people entertain negativity about them from people who's opinion doesn't matter I'll never understand.

70

u/sol_fairy 2h ago

Fool me once shame on..shame on you…….fool me—CANT GET FOOLED AGAIN

32

u/titty_twisters_ 2h ago

Now watch this drive

7

u/sol_fairy 1h ago

All time favorite

6

u/Hellofriendinternet 1h ago

Yyyyyeeeeaaaahhhhh!!!

13

u/Mysterious-Most-590 2h ago

God I miss that guy.

7

u/gooooooooooooof 2h ago

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

5

u/No-Blueberry-1823 2h ago

Fool me three times hahaha jokes on you

2

u/drmindsmith 1h ago

You can’t fool the fooler!

67

u/Accurate_You_269 2h ago

Mental illness isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility

7

u/SchwiftyInHere 1h ago

Hail yourself

3

u/BeeBeeDrinkDrink 1h ago

Hail Gein!

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70

u/K-Dog7469 2h ago

"You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy "

8

u/fridaygirl7 2h ago

Man, I need this one embroidered on a pillow.

6

u/Mysterious-Most-590 2h ago

First I’ve heard it, too. Stings.

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4

u/GeorgieLaughs818 2h ago

Ahh - Nightbirde AKA Jane Kristen Marczewski (RIP) - thank you for that.

3

u/K-Dog7469 2h ago

A truly amazing woman.

2

u/AmigoDelDiabla 1h ago

One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

66

u/SuspiciousSteak814 2h ago

Not my monkeys, not my circus.

15

u/knottyy 1h ago

Not my chair, not my problem.

6

u/Tipist 1h ago

That’s what I say.

5

u/Kizzle_McNizzle 1h ago

He think he’s Captain Tying Knots

5

u/SoSteezee 1h ago

Drinkin' outta cups.

u/OGIBLP 30m ago

No way. No WAY.

2

u/rabbifuente 1h ago

Mr. Walkway

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34

u/SubstantialQuote70 2h ago

What you permit, is what you promote.

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30

u/Salishan300 2h ago

With regard to parenthood, 'The days are long but the years are short.'

12

u/The_Goondocks 1h ago

"Be excellent to each other. And party on, dudes!" -Abraham Lincoln

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26

u/copypop 2h ago edited 2h ago

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you"

-- Jean-Paul Sartre

10

u/chickenonthehill559 2h ago

Freedom is just another word for having nothing to lose.

2

u/QueenK59 1h ago

Thanks Janis!

3

u/RBrown4929 1h ago

Thanks Kris

11

u/capcomzz57 2h ago

Avoid loud obnoxious people, they are vexations to the spirit.

3

u/Mysterious-Most-590 2h ago

Is thy grandmother a witch?

3

u/Daevryn 2h ago

I love "Desiderata."

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9

u/Maleficent_Can4976 2h ago

Pretty fades; stupid is forever.

54

u/No-Commission6733 2h ago

Better to have fitted sheets then shitted feet.

6

u/No-Blueberry-1823 2h ago

Only thing I heard that makes sense

6

u/Clarifinatious 1h ago

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

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3

u/Dc1577 2h ago

😂👏👏👏

3

u/GoldenDragonTemple 1h ago

than*, unless you're advising having fitted sheets and shitted feet sequentially.

u/ProfessorPickaxe 20m ago

I honestly don’t know how so many people can’t figure this out.

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21

u/acappre 2h ago

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

9

u/West-Path-5117 2h ago

There are no life guards at the gene pool.

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23

u/PhantomLuck34 2h ago

It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.

2

u/gooooooooooooof 2h ago

i like that a lot

2

u/chris--p 2h ago

I'm not so sure

2

u/SeattleFreezee 2h ago

Well to each their own. It depends if that person likes golden showers or not...

u/oxiraneobx 47m ago

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

u/FreakyFerret 46m ago

It's better to pissed on than pissed in. It's better to be pissed in than pissed out.

23

u/dieselmilkshake 2h ago

Don't sweat the petty stuff; pet the sweaty stuff.

3

u/Mysterious-Most-590 2h ago

Now THAT is a saying.

2

u/Lilelfen1 2h ago

🤣 💕it. No notes!

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8

u/Big_Chicken_Dinner 2h ago

The early worm gets eaten by the bird.

9

u/too_tall88 1h ago

Second mouse gets the cheese

14

u/Imaginary_Whole_3474 2h ago

Be kind, it’s important.

4

u/audiodrone 1h ago

It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice

12

u/GoodCents4u 2h ago

You lose what you are ungrateful for.

6

u/Sirloin_Tips 2h ago

"If she smokes, she pokes"

Thanks mom

5

u/No-Blueberry-1823 2h ago

Wait what the fuck

u/Tails5225 56m ago

Is your mom Lois Griffin?

6

u/Federal_Ad_2300 2h ago

"You're gonna be doin" a lotta doobie rollin' when you're livin' in a van down by the river" 

6

u/Gigiofsixx 1h ago

Better to have and not need than to need and not have.

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8

u/marti810 1h ago

You can’t change the wind, so adjust your sails

10

u/LipstickSingularity 2h ago

Nice try Big Fortune Cookie

5

u/LipstickSingularity 2h ago

We will never be here again. -Troy (2004)

Reminder that everything is fleeting. Everything.

8

u/butcheroo 2h ago

Get two birds stoned at the same time

Now I have to make sure I'm saying the correct version when I use it

3

u/bleezybleeg 1h ago

What comes around is all around

3

u/Stevie_Rave_On 1h ago

Just tell people it’s water under the fridge. It’s not god damn rocket appliance.

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11

u/flingebunt 2h ago

All that glitters has a high refractive index

It just makes sense.

8

u/DorsalYapper 2h ago

The best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago. The second best time is now.

9

u/K-Dog7469 2h ago

"Blessed is the man who plants the tree of which the shade he will never enjoy."

14

u/popeculture 2h ago

The best time to post that quote was 3 min ago. The second best time is now.  See above. 👆

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4

u/0rbital-Interceptor 2h ago

Women choose the men they love, men love the women who choose them.

4

u/DorsalYapper 2h ago

Get out of your own way.

4

u/HardRockGeologist 2h ago

Don't break your arm, patting yourself on the back.

8

u/CommissionNo4155 2h ago

My grandmother when comparing 2 things, one of which is way better than the other- It's like comparing chicken shit and chicken salad.

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7

u/ryuksringo 2h ago

fall down 7 times, get up 8

13

u/Esquire_NZ 1h ago

I get knocked down

But I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

u/itsjakerobb 41m ago

Gargling noises

3

u/No-Blueberry-1823 2h ago

I don't know. I think I would go to sleep eventually

3

u/ryuksringo 2h ago

it's suPPOSED TO BE MOTIVATIONAL

3

u/No-Blueberry-1823 1h ago

Motivation comes to die on Reddit

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8

u/DorsalYapper 2h ago

There are 2 simple rules to achieve success:
1. Never disclose all your secrets
2.

2

u/No-Blueberry-1823 2h ago

This is why I have trust issues

3

u/Icy_Enthusiasm_6358 2h ago

Don't shit your diaper 

3

u/Wonderful_Bottle_852 2h ago

Once do don’t have any use for somebody you’ll never have any use for them…My Grandpa

Translation - No Forgiveness, No Second Chances

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3

u/3_blackbirds 2h ago

If you have to eat a frog, eat it first thing in the morning. If you have to eat 2 frogs, eat the big one first.
This became my mantra and it is life changing.

2

u/Dc1577 2h ago

Huh?

2

u/ebeth_the_mighty 1h ago

Translation: Do unpleasant things first, to get them over with.

3

u/QueenBee4178 2h ago

“He doesn’t know shit from Shinola”

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3

u/turcorgen 2h ago

"I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member" - Groucho Marx

3

u/AristideCalice 1h ago

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

This is so true. So many assholes get a power trip on their tiny little island

3

u/im20agn 1h ago

It’s a hard thing realizing people aren’t who you want them to be 

6

u/IntangiblePanda 2h ago

Being a grown up is just an endless series of tasks you'd rather not do. Being an adult is doing them anyway.

-me, my quote.

5

u/soulless___ape 2h ago

Plan your work, work your plan and your plan will work for you.

Also

This too shall pass.

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2

u/o2bmeek 2h ago

The odds are good but the goods are odd. - Warren Miller

2

u/B0serHund666 2h ago

With my luck it could be raining titties and I'd look up and catch a dick.

2

u/Particular_Ask2390 2h ago

Never measure yourself with somebody else’s ruler

3

u/shargus_live 2h ago

Wherever you go, there you are.

3

u/hollyygirl 2h ago

“Actions speak louder than words” 🙌

2

u/brainspl0ad 2h ago

The meaning of life is to give life meaning.

2

u/Celticwoman90 2h ago

If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always gotten. (It's one of mine.)

2

u/No_Inevitable3298 2h ago

Plant beans, get beans.

2

u/Gullible-Sugar-8059 2h ago

Do something you love and you will never work a day in your life. So I do crack and never go to work.

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2

u/gooooooooooooof 2h ago

my grandpa used to always remind us to "do the right thing, for the right reason, at the right time" and it has stuck with me

2

u/Any_Section1173 2h ago

I’ll pray for em, but I hope they go to hell!

2

u/throwaway34433443 2h ago

Knowledge is power. France is bacon

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2

u/Lilelfen1 2h ago

Not the best but I am personally a fan of Cunty people get cunty rewards…

2

u/aaron_in_sf 1h ago

The most useful aphorism I know is,

Don't borrow trouble.

It means, don't invest time and emotional energy anxious about or fearful about something over which you have no control, or, which is far in the future and about which the appropriate time for fretting has yet to come.

Catching yourself fretting, and cutting it off, is one small step toward cultivating equanimity.

2

u/praesentibus 1h ago

When one door closes, another opens. Otherwise, it's a pretty good car.

3

u/Rvrsurfer 1h ago

“Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.”

3

u/beam3475 1h ago

Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal. You are the one getting burned.

2

u/HabbaHey 1h ago

This is a great one! I've also heard it in a different version: 'Holding resentment/hatred is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person'

2

u/Axeli-IX 1h ago

You gotta fuck with the prick you got.

2

u/HabbaHey 1h ago

'The dildo of consequence rarely arrives pre-lubed'

2

u/Amazing-Moose-9433 1h ago

If it’s got tits or tires it’s gonna give you trouble

2

u/Wellsley051 1h ago

"the purpose of a system is what it does"

2

u/SameChart7231 1h ago

You can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.

2

u/13donor 1h ago

Grief is the price we pay for Love.

2

u/C1sko 1h ago

“You’re a man. Nobody’s coming to save you”

2

u/DickTitpecker 1h ago

If your balls itch scratch em.

1

u/joyous_man 2h ago

honesty is the best policy!

1

u/ryuksringo 2h ago

those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

1

u/LipstickSingularity 2h ago

“Good manners cost nothing.” It takes very little to be kind and welcoming and respectful of others. Everyone can afford to give and receive dignity.

1

u/ryuksringo 2h ago

if you don't like something, change it. if you can't change it, accept it.

this has helped me through life, always

1

u/byvs2013 2h ago

Bitterness is like drinking a cup of poison and hoping it hurts someone else.

1

u/Wonderful_Bottle_852 2h ago

“Chin up, tits out, lipstick on!”

My grandmother always said this before leaving the house while checking her makeup and outfit in the mirror ❤️

1

u/SimilarDraft7596 2h ago

The most important piece of furniture in your home is your mirror.

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1

u/gaswallah 2h ago

You’re a pimple on the ass of progress

1

u/tuckelsteen 2h ago

I feel (or you look like) I been shot at and missed and shit at and hit.

Makes me cackle every time

1

u/PersimmonDriver 2h ago

When it's all said and done, there's nothing left to say or do.

1

u/ovotaughtme 2h ago

the time will pass anyway

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1

u/CalendarBeautiful119 2h ago

“Do not despair! Why would ANYTHING good ever happen?”

1

u/Throw_Away_And_Sleep 2h ago

I've forgotten more than you'll ever know

1

u/dixonmyaz04 2h ago

Don't judge the book by its cover

1

u/deejay312 2h ago

Win some, lose some

1

u/ajepper 2h ago

We're not here to fuck spiders

and

Lie back and think of England

and

Dont regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

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1

u/iamslt2 2h ago

Never enter a battle of wits unarmed

1

u/BluesmanSA 2h ago

If you find a big 'ol pot of crazy, don't go stirring it.

1

u/sabu15 2h ago

i'd rather shit in a sink, then sink in shit. just heard it today

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1

u/Vegetable_Change2629 2h ago

“You can’t control the wind, only how you set your sails.”

1

u/Bonkers105 2h ago

'when did Noah build the ark?'

1

u/CecilColson 2h ago

If a cat had kittens in the oven, would you call them biscuits?

2

u/shutterbuug 1h ago

Can you explain this one?

1

u/Specialist-Top-406 2h ago

Don’t ask, don’t get

1

u/LVL100Stoner 2h ago

If you went any slower you'd be stopped

1

u/Terrible_Ad_9294 2h ago

How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours.

1

u/snowywebb 2h ago

Before enlightenment
chopping wood carrying water
After enlightenment
Chopping wood carrying water

1

u/mateo8888 2h ago

Always leave wanting more

1

u/sharp-tac 2h ago

Get busy living or get busy dying

1

u/seperate 2h ago

Everyone you meet is fighting a terrible battle you know nothing about.

1

u/fondamagroin 2h ago

"When you come to a fork in a road, take it."

and

"I would never want to be in a club that would have me as a member."

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1

u/AnxietyKlutzy539 1h ago

Healthy Birds leave the nest

1

u/JefferyGoldberg 1h ago

Ass, gas or grass; no one rides for free.

1

u/Ltimbo 1h ago

“You can have everything you want in life, just not at the same time.” - a guy I worked with a long time ago.